New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

How childish of your friend to tell your partner you'd been vaping!

I was a smoker when I met my now DH. He was very anti smoking, but accepted it was my choice to smoke and not his place to hide my tobacco etc. I wouldn't smoke indoors around him (or any other non smoker). Unless you are vaping inside in his house (which it doesn't sound like you are) then he's out of line.

It's very controlling. Personally I wouldn't put up with it.

Ahhh, you’re one of those people. 🙄

See you in a year or so when you start a thread lamenting the fact he moved in and has started gaslighting you, but it’s too late; you’re pregnant, and he is managing all your finances and you have no access to any cash to leave him.

Good luck - love, Mystic Meg.

I honestly don’t think that this can be addressed without a big row. I’d be having a big row on him, standing firm - he needs to stop being a twat or F OFF! He will make a choice, and you’ll have your answer. This is the thin edge of the wedge.

Of course it's worth ending a relationship over, it's only going to get worse, he's trying to control you

Are you telling us that you are a social worker and yet you are unable to spot red flags in a relationship?

Least we'll have something to read eh

She said she's a social smoker - I don't think she's said she's a social worker has she?

Look it’s damn weird and an arsehole move and you know it.

Im also a social worker and we need our vices. It’s a hard job and some days if you don’t give in to it you’ll go crazy.

You have to be firm on this, don’t play games and ask for it back.
Id be inclined to start puffing on it immediately in front of them, but I’m petty like that.

You want to stay with this person, fair enough, just don't move in with, marry or have kids with him.
Want to be wrong but I get the feeling you will be back in a year if that, moaning about him and how it's gone tits up.
Peeps are advising to call time on it because a lot of us have been you, various reasons, and we know how it can end up.
If you are going to stay with him, please take care of yourself. It starts with small things and then builds up, so subtle you don't always realise it and because they talk the talk,"I'm doing this because I love you" shite. This isn't love it's about control, pure and simple.

Fwiw I didn’t vape when we met, it’s something I started about 5 months ago as I’m going through an incredibly stressful time and quite frankly I just fancied it.

I’ll be back to this thread later this morning as I’m interested in hearing opinions on some other “red flags” that I’ll list, now that I’ve opened a can of worms in my mind!

I mean, I despise vaping and smoking, I find them repulsive. But that’s my opinion, and I actively avoid being around vapers/smokers as much as possible. I would never ever date one, much less get into a relationship with one. Your partner should do similar, manage his/her response, not expect you to change because of his/her preferences and certainly not hide your vape in your own home.

this is a massive red flag. Ignore it at your peril.

Oh shut up. Where have you crawled out from, 2002? Who uses chav as an insult anymore?

This is just the start. Get rid before it esaclates

This is a brilliant post. I think I'm going to have to step away from this thread, I am fuming on OP's behalf and the nasty remarks are a bit triggering.

Good luck OP, please protect yourself.

Smoking and vaping is a deal breaker for me. His behaviour is poor and controlling and he hasn’t set his boundaries well. Bin him and find someone who isn’t offended by your smoking/vaping.

Seeing as it’s something that you have started during the relationship then you need to put the ball in their court and say that you aren’t going to stop, you understand their feelings towards it, so they have two options - deal with it, or leave.

Extremely strict regarding his boundaries but willing to walk all over yours? Are you sure you want to stay in that relationship?

Exactly 💯

Hate these "they/them" threads. You're not going to out yourself just because it's a lesbian relationship.

I would find this controlling - get rid of "them".

Hmm I have some sympathy for them if you didn't vape at the start of your relationship. My own partner vapes (in order to give up smoking) and I absolutely despise it. I'm glad he's giving up smoking but this in-between is hard to navigate and I would actively avoid going out with someone who does vape. Having said that I would never hide his vape although I might angrily tidy it away if he leaves it out

OP everything you say makes it worse.
You are going through a stressful time, so stressful that you have started vaping. And his reaction is to hide your vape and laugh?
I bet he's already started on policing what you wear and who you see.
Here's my prediction. Even if you never vape again, starting right now, he'll find something else to criticise by this time next week.

You wouldn’t be ending it because of the vape. You’d be ending it because he is abusive. And I’m not using that word lightly - controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

Im guessing you’ve had partners where the abuse was far easier to spot in the past for you not to recognise this behaviour as the same.

Would this class as controlling? Umm yes it’s totally controlling. In what way is it not controlling?

OP has this partner also been gaslighting you? Into thinking issues are your fault and not theirs? You seem to have a skewed perception as to what is normal, I think this partner has been messing with your head.

Please dump them. This will only get worse.

You need to ditch this partner. Unless you want to quit vaping. Them hiding it and trying to ban you is controlling.