New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

You're being willfully blind to the red flags. Frankly, this is why I struggle to have sympathy for some of the women stuck in controlling relationships. The problems in this case are obvious, everyone has pointed them out, and yet you're going to stay with him. The mind boggles.

I wouldnt say it controlling. He sounds conflicted. Maybe he really wants the relationship to work but your vaping is a deal breaker. It would be for me, i couldnt stand 10 mins in your presence if you vaped.

Time for an honest chat but dont be surprised if your relationship is over. He has made it clear he doesnt like it. He has done everything he can without telling you to your face stop or he is finished.

So you, knowing you're with someone who despises smoking, decided to take up vaping 'because you fancied it'? You clearly don't feel that strong for your partner, why are you still with them?

Dump

Say, “replace my vape or I will purchase another one”

If your vaping is that much of an issue for him and you don't want to stop, then it's serious conversation time.

There's no way on earth I would tolerate someone hiding something from me because they didn't approve of it. They'd be getting the riot act and it'd be the first and last time they did it.

If he has an issue with some aspect of your behavior/lifestyle, then he can talk to you like an adult. But he'll also need to accept that you - also an adult - might not be willing to change that behavior. If that's a deal breaker for him, then he has a decision to make.

The first time they did it as a “joke” was the time you should have ended it. Their behaviour is abusive. End the relationship in no uncertain terms and keep well clear they sound vile.

Well I can understand him feeling repulsed by your vaping as that’s how I would feel but hiding it is childish. I don’t think the relationship is going to work and you should be with someone bonus onboard with you vaping.

You say it's not worth ending a relationship over but you do realise this is just the beginning don't you. This is who he is. He spent the first few months of the relationship winning you over, letting you see what a good guy he is, but now he feels he's got you, he's showing you who he really is.

New clothes he doesn't like - is he gonna hide them
Night out with your friends - sulk so you don't go
Holiday away with the girls - see above
Dislike one of your friends - see above

The list could go on and on and he will always give a "good" reason why he doesnt want you to do whatever it is - and you will get so worn down with it you are going to actually start believing him. And then, one day, it will just be you and him.

I know that sounds extreme but believe me, it's common as anything so if I were you I would be getting out now. It will not improve. He is not "bossing" you about, he is trying to control you. Don't minimise his behaviour.

Makes no difference tbh. They could have ended it then but instead they stuck it out and hide your shit in your own home, the absolute bare cheek of it.

As a pp said that would just make me vape even more right in front of them. Push my boundary and think you can tell me what i cant do? Ok ill show you exactly what happens then, tosspot.

If it is a deal breaker for him that’s fine, he can end the relationship in a respectful and decent manner, no issue. He has no right to hide her property, that is abusive.

This is clearly a dumpable offence. Hiding your stuff? Like some sort of petualant controlling child. If your DP doesnt' like you vaping they can speak to you about it and they can eventually leave you over it if it is a deal breaker but nagging you and hiding your stuff is not a mature way of dealing with it it is infantile and controlling. BIG RED FLAG

🤣

You are bu to even consider staying in this relationship. I would have bloody flipped the first time and it would have been over instantly. Can't you see how wrong this all is?

Dump.

Hate vapes and all smoking but he sounds rubbish

i think it's clear that your vaping is giving him the ick. Hiding it is miserable. Ye just need to dump each other

I know LTB is a frequent suggestion on here and sometimes unnecessary. But I hope you will not exclude that as an option. You say he is working on his tendency to be controlling but whatever he is doing isn’t working. He isn’t making an off the cuff comment without thinking, he is physically stopping you doing something. That takes thought. He has decided his opinion about vaping overrides yours and that it’s ok for him to physically restrict behaviour of yours that he wants to stamp out.

Hopefully, he won’t increase his control over you, but controlling people often gradually increase their control. It’s the boiling a frog thing. That’s how so many women wake up one day and wonder who they are now and how their lives have become a nightmare

You’ve admitted there are other red flags it’s completely pointless looking at the vape situation in isolation it really is.

It is controlling because he already has you walking on egg shells, modifying your behaviour and feeling you have to sneak around to do something that is your right to do. He’s also following it up with gaslighting by telling you that he can’t trust you.

It’s fine if he doesn’t like it he can find a more compatible partner. I hate vaping by the way. My adult son is a social vaper and it bothers me but I don’t hide his vape if I come across it.

Thats a good point you have made. Are there any other things he doesnt like that he is acting in a similar fashion? Is it just the vaping or is there anything else.

Sounds like you're not compatible. DP shouldn't be hiding your property like you're a child, but also you're a regular smoker downplaying the frequency at which you vape. You say 'social smoker' but if you socialise or have a drink on a weekly basis, which most adults do, then you're bascially smoking every week. So you're not a social smoker, you're just a smoker. Perhaps you downplayed that to DP when you got together or perhaps you were upfront. Eitherway you're not suitable together.

Vaping/smoking cigarettes would be a deal breaker in a relationship for me too, but that doesn't give me the right to hide another person's property.

That's how you deal with a naughty child, not an adult you're supposed to be in an equitable relationship with.

Presumably your partner knew you vaped at the time you started dating? It's not something you've suddenly started to do since being with him? If he doesn't like smoking or vaping, then why did he start a relationship with you? I don't like smoking or vaping, but I wouldn't choose to date someone who did either. You're a grown adult, who is capable of making your own choices, and that includes vaping. Your partner has no right to dictate to you what you can or can't do, especially in your own home (regardless if he agrees with those choices or not). Your friend is just as bad for telling your partner you were vaping!!!! It's none of your partner's business or your friend's either. You need a conversation with your partner - you may not agree with my choices, you might not like them either but you should respect those choices or he moves onto someone else who doesn't smoke/vape.

Absolutely. I think both parties need this attitude.

If this person wanted the relationship to work theyd just have an adult chat about it. Hiding stuff and laughing/lying about it is manipulative and shows a total lack of emotional intelligence and total disregard for how that weird behaviour might make someone feel.

Hiding stuff, ffs is this person 9 years old? OP do they shout out "colder.....warmer......" when youre looking for it? 🙄

tbh, I don’t think its worth ending a relationship over.

I think it is worth ending the relationship over.
You are not compatible because you like to vape and he can't stand it.

I wouldn't date a smoker or a vaper and that's my choice and my right to decide that. What I don't get to do is have a relationship with someone and start hiding their vape and having a go at them everytime they vape.

I don't like their behaviour. It's controlling. I'm interested to see what other red flags there are.

I'd dump him over this vaping thing though. Ridiculous, petty behaviour and hints at a possible pattern of behaviour which could, over time, extend to other things too.