To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

This.
In light of the case recently where a (male) judge said a child whose father was found to be a rapist still had to keep his last name until she was 18 (or father consented to name change).
I married young first time around and was incredibly naive - one of my biggest regrets is giving my sons ex-husband's last name alone.
I am now remarried and Ms HisName-My Name, my husband is Mr HisName-MyName, and our daughter is Miss HisName-MyName.
So much happier with this 😀

Its simplest if children are named after their mother and she retains her own name imo. That way whether she is unmarried or marries several times it makes no difference, the dc all have the same as their mum and each other.

Well said!

Yes I know one man who did. Double barrelled with his wife’s as the first, his the second.

I was born to a fantastic mother and a deadbeat father who I have never seen. But as they were married I had his surname. She never spoke a bad word against him until I was 16 and we decided we would both change our names by deed poll as soon as I was legally allowed to sign the papers and decide on my identity MYSELF.
I love my surname. I always wanted to be the same as my grandparents and cousins. I am now engaged and don't know what I will do. I don't know about having a different surname to my future kids but I also love my surname which I chose.
I loath double barrelled with a passion. I have some time to decide but really not sure what to do.

I made a conscious choice to double barrel my childs name. I'd already split up with her dad whilst I was pregnant but it was important to me that she felt she had a connection to both her parents. Her dad said it was entirely my choice as to what surname/or combo I decided upon, and did support it.

I'll also add that as an adult she only uses my surname on a daily basis, but likes that she has a link to his family side whose she's close to as well.

Double barreling wouldn't have made any difference at all in the case mentioned in the OP. The child would still have their father's name as in the double barrel. Erasing it would still not have been allowed.

I had no urge to keep my maiden name, it was synonymous with abuse and loneliness to me. I was more than happy to take a new name from my husband and start a new family with that name. Like I said, if we spilt up I would keep my name and wouldn’t marry again.

Double barrel surname is performative.

Only works on one generation before it's clearly unfeasible to carry forward.

My dd's dad walked out during pregnancy, so she has my surname. My ds is double-barrelled. I wish he had my surname alone like his sister does, but I don't think that would have been very fair on my dp (we're not married), although I quite often just refer to him by my surname when booking doctors appointments etc. I'd never have given him dp's surname alone, simply because he is my son - I made him, birthed him, feed him, he'll always live with me if dp and I split up, and he needs to fit in with his sister and I. Like I said, I wish he had my surname alone, but I can live with it being d-b. He can always choose when he's older if he'd prefer to go by the full surname or one or the other.

@LemaxObsessive Or you could just have kept your own name upon marriage and given your child that.

I just dont have this sentimental views about surnames. I dont see it as ownership to take the man's surname. We get married and form a partnership and choose the same last name. I dont care what that name is. He cared marginally more so we will be taking his. That's just my opinion. If I had to I would personally perfer to choose a new surname together overusing double barrelled.

I have 3 children, DS1 has my surname, correct decision, his father never in his life. DS2 and DD have their father’s name and although we split 15yrs ago, they have a good relationship with him and their surname is never something i’ve regretted. Nor have I ever encountered any of the issues people raise saying it’s a problem.

Unmarried women should look f always be encouraged to give their child their own name.

As most women change surnames on marriage and also retain that surname after divorce, I think you’ll find your approach is unusual. Though I wish I’d thought if suggesting my husband take my maiden name, as my sisters and I are the lady of the line and the only other people we know of with our surname changed it by deed poll and have no ancestral links to our surname or the part of the country it comes from.

-*last in the line.

Oh I agree, I mean look at how it failed in Spain…

Really I am 49 and a professional, everyone I know took the man's name or double barrlelled.

I gave my DC their dad's surname. I never intended to marry him or change my name and there was no way I would inflict double barrelled names on them. I knew from the start that no matter what happened between us (we separated when youngest was 1) that his family were good people and that being connected to them by their last name would be a good thing. As it turns out they now have half siblings on their dad's side and having the same names helps with that connection. I'm happy to have a different name to my DC.

My husband changed his, we both changed to double-barrel and have a family name we can all share. Our DC has the same double-barrelled surname.

I’m with you OP, always amazes me that so many women still take their husband‘s surname upon marriage without question. And none of the reasons given so far are honest. Not sure why they don’t just admit they wanted to continue the patriarchy because it makes them feel somehow feminine and to let the world know they’ve been claimed “I’m so loved, he wanted to marry me” rather than two people of equal status getting married as a partnership.

One of my biggest regrets in life is giving my children their dad’s surname. They were born with my name and should have kept my name. Nothing I can do about it now but if I could go back in time they would all have my surname and I would never budge on it.

Enough with the victim blaming!. I was married for 20 years before the physical abuse started. It often doesn't until pregnancy.

Fortunately kept my name and gave the kids double barrelled but he still took me to court to ensure they couldn't drop his part.

How about we normalise removing rights from abusers rather than make woman accountable for their behaviour.

Did you name your daughter after second husband's name or yours?

My DH has his birth dad’s name rather than his (step) dad’s name. DH dad died at 26 years old when DH was just 7 months old. Both sets of grandparents along with DMIL two siblings and their spouses stepped in and helped my DMIL raise DH so that she could work part time. 38 years ago when DH was 5 DMIL met her second DH. Even after they married second DH said he will always be my son but I won’t adopt him as that would feel like we were trying to take him away from his grandparents (whom DH still had a good relationship with until 2010 DGF and 2020 DGM) and erase their son.

I did take DH last name but there is nothing wrong with my family name. It isn’t long and complicated, difficult to spell or pronounce. My family name is in the top 30 most common last names and his while still well known and easy to spell and pronounce isn’t in the top 100. I would give any DC his last name alone too.

Yes. Two of my three sisters

I married my Husband (I have a double barrelled name from birth). I kept my name and he kept his

One sister got married and dropped half of our name (say it's "Smith -Jones") and took his, but he added half of our name to his, so they are known as Mr and Mrs Brown -Jones.

Another sister did the same by deed poll as she isn't married to her long term partner and they have two young children. However he also changed his name by deed poll.... So they are the "White-Jones" family.

My third sister got married, didn't change her surname and had a daughter who took our surname as her Husband's surname was really, really bad.... They divorced 8 years ago, so her and her daughter are still "Smith -Jones"

Looks like we have managed to navigate the double barrell "nightmare" and pick men who don't throw hissy fits if we don't take their name...... My Husband didn't want to change his due to effort but equally had no issues with me keeping mine - and that works for us.

So when your double surnamed daughter marries a double surnamed partner how do they choose what names to keep or do they quadruple? What about the generations that follow? If you're that attached to your surname how will you feel if your children choose to do it? Double barrelling only really works for one generation. I'd much rather share a family name and be a single unit. As it's dh's if dd drops it I don't care. I chose her first name and that's the one that'll stick.

I have a different surname from both my children who have their fathers surnames. I literally don't think about it and don't need to have the same name as them to validate being there mum especially as I have (or had now as my daughter is 18) sole custody of them both which I got through the courts in 2018. Both have had rocky relationships with their Dads but I do think the connection to there wider family having the same name is positive for them both whilst they don't need that with my family because they have always been so close to us all.
I can absolutely see why the woman whose daughter has the same name as her father/rapist and would want a fresh start, I think that's a different story from mine.