To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

This.
In light of the case recently where a (male) judge said a child whose father was found to be a rapist still had to keep his last name until she was 18 (or father consented to name change).
I married young first time around and was incredibly naive - one of my biggest regrets is giving my sons ex-husband's last name alone.
I am now remarried and Ms HisName-My Name, my husband is Mr HisName-MyName, and our daughter is Miss HisName-MyName.
So much happier with this 😀

No different from having the fathers

The Spanish have had no problems managing this for the last few centuries. It’s the norm there to double barrel and it doesn’t seem to have caused an issue.

so maybe just ask a Spaniard how they manage it, if it’s been a lifelong thing you’ve always wondered about.

it doesn’t matter anyway, the couple marrying can decide what they want their name to be. They’ll just have a lot more choice!!

This. It's steeped in misogyny. It's about ownership and posession. I never understand why people think it's romantic. I would never change my name, its mine (not my fathers).

When asked 'what will all the double barrel children do when they get married?' I answer 'up to them. They are their names, their choice'.

Oh yes. That bit. Handed over from one man to another. No thank you.

The Spanish model is interesting @Bohoboo

They mix the first parts of each parents double barrelled names

I chose my husband carefully. I know my children are mine as I gave birth to them. They have their father’s surname as they are half his and to acknowledge that relationship and remind him of his responsibilities.
If you don’t trust the father of your children to want to give them his surname maybe you shouldn’t be having children with him.

@Oopsadaisydoodah So they're not half yours as well then?!!!

I kept my name after marriage and DD took my surname. DH could have taken my name if he wanted us all to have the same surname but I didn't see why I should have the extra workload in doing so just because of the genitalia I was born with.

Brace yourself for a gazillion women to tell you that their husband's name was unfortunately just better (/easier to spell/easier to pronounce/some other bullshit) than theirs. Funny how it generally works that way.

ETA where not married and or different surnames anyway it's especially inexplicable to me to not give your kids your own name.

Just because you married it doesn’t mean you have their last name. You chose to do that.

Oh yes, because people go into marriage thinking 'he's a bit of a shit, he won't be faithful and will leave me financially destitute but I'll marry him anyway because why not'.

Ffs. It's not about trust.

Why does a father need to be reminded of his responsibilities? Especially if they are chosen carefully.

I gave birth to them so I am comfortable with not needing to stake my claim over them. I know they are mine.

My kids all changed their names at 18. Not to my maiden name - awful name- but to one of their choosing. None chose the same name as each other. One added a middle name another changed theirs.

All have passports in their chosen names.

It's all fine.

Edited to add my GC has their mother's chosen name (my DD) not her exH. I think that ended their marriage even though he said he agreed at the time.

@Oopsadaisydoodah "Stake a claim" over children?! Wow. My husband also categorically knows his daughter is his. She doesn't need his last name alone for him to know this.

It always fries my brain thinking about the brothers of these women with such horrible/hard to pronounce or spell names.

do they marry women with even worse names? And what happens to their brothers? Do we ever get to the point where the names are just so awful these poor boys have no shot at finding someone to marry them?

I wouldn’t want me or kids to have same name as an abuser or rapist. Getting remarried though isn’t a reason for me because he might not be your DH anymore but he’s still their dad.

@Coconutter24 Equally, you are still their mother.

But those names are fine for a man. Manly names for manly people. And their wives.

if you read the thread that’s what OP is saying- they regret naming first child with ex husbands surname as separated and child has diff surname to other children.
she wishes she had used her surname.

@Oopsadaisydoodah I do regret my boys having their father's name alone. But not solely because he turned out to be abusive. As I've said, my now husband is an exceptional father. Our daughter has both of our names.

that’s what you are doing. You are trying to eradicate your ex’s link to your first child. You wish you had given your surname now as no longer with him.
its rewriting your history

@Oopsadaisydoodah No - I wish I would have d'bd both sons. As I have done with my daughter. But my first husband was a misogynist so not much of a chance!

Then change it by deed poll

Spain has this problem sorted already. Everyone has two surnames, one from their mother's side, one from their father's. The offspring get two surnames too, the paternal one from both parents.