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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

262 replies

Mrsnothingthanks · 23/11/2025 21:37

This.
In light of the case recently where a (male) judge said a child whose father was found to be a rapist still had to keep his last name until she was 18 (or father consented to name change).
I married young first time around and was incredibly naive - one of my biggest regrets is giving my sons ex-husband's last name alone.
I am now remarried and Ms HisName-My Name, my husband is Mr HisName-MyName, and our daughter is Miss HisName-MyName.
So much happier with this 😀

OP posts:
Outside9 · 24/11/2025 21:39

medievalpenny · 24/11/2025 19:40

I'm embarrassed for you. Why would you not Google it before making a fool of yourself being condescending?

https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=how+are+spanish+surnames+formed

You've just linked the point I made in my initial post though? The names ultimately get does dropped in the subsequent generations.

Cringe that you thought this was a gotcha moment

HoppingPavlova · 25/11/2025 04:32

@ContinuewithGoogle I am not sure why it's "confounding" you. Great you made up a new name, I have no interest in doing that. No flipping way would I ever consider doing that, so that's not a universal solution

You have a comprehension issue. I did not say it confounds me that people don’t make up a new name. If it doesn’t interest you, then, sure, it’s not something you would do. That doesn’t confound me whatsoever. What I said was “The whole ‘you need to have the same name as your kids to identify as a family’ always confounds me”. I stand by that as I don’t believe that’s what is required for people to identify as a family, but I guess some people must as this is most often thrown up as a reason for everyone having to have identical names. So, yeah, if people genuinely can’t identify themselves as a family unless they have matching names, then that’s what they need, but I hold my hands up to being confounded about it given myself, and many others I know seem to be able to identify accordingly despite having different names to spouses and/or kids.

Personally, never had any issue with travel. I’m sure others have. When my kids were young we would take copies of relevant ‘connecting’ papers such as birth certs just in case, but funnily never needed to use them. I have had friends who did need to show them, so appreciate it is something that could be encountered, but was told it’s a 2 minute exercise, so hardly such a huge imposition that you need to base your life decisions around it. We did have kids questioned once (weirdly, without us being asked if we had any paperwork) but it only took a few mins and they were convinced by the kids utter genuine confusion about being asked who mummy/daddy were when they thought it was very obvious🤣. It was a one off, less than 5mins, and in no way a bad experience for the kids, the staff just did it in a child chatty way and took less than a few minutes, no drama.

Mrsnothingthanks · 25/11/2025 08:42

@HoppingPavlova Exactly this. My sons are no less a part of my family than their sister is based upon the fact they don't have my last name but my daughter does!

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 25/11/2025 16:16

I was with my ex for a long time before we got married. I felt very sure I could trust him and that he'd be an excellent dad. It didn't occur to me to give ds a different last name than what mine was at the time as I took my husbands name when I got married. Obviously things changed and my ex is no longer in our lives and I do very much wish I could give ds my last name instead, but legally I can't. It was never something that I could have foreseen and I was very much blindsided by what happened after nearly a decade together. I think double barrelling is ideal but didn't make sense for our last names.

Boomer55 · 25/11/2025 16:19

My children took my name and my husbands name. Which was the same. Pretty normal then 👍

NoKnit · 25/11/2025 16:46

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 23/11/2025 21:50

I married so all of the kids and me have husbands last name. If we were to separate for whatever reason, I would continue to use my current last name rather than go back to my maiden name.

Yes I would do the same.

justjuggling · 26/11/2025 05:00

I didn’t change my name when I got married but my DCs were registered with (ex) DH’a surname. When he left, my girls really wanted the same name as me and my family and their Dad didn’t remotely care about the issue so their names were changed by deed pole. If my DDs ever choose to marry, I hope they’d keep their name and any children would share it.

CurlewKate · 26/11/2025 08:55

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 23/11/2025 21:50

I married so all of the kids and me have husbands last name. If we were to separate for whatever reason, I would continue to use my current last name rather than go back to my maiden name.

That “so” is a complete non sequitur.

Mrsnothingthanks · 26/11/2025 12:26

@justjuggling Assuming your ex-husand provided his consent for the name change of your children?

OP posts:
justjuggling · 26/11/2025 18:15

Mrsnothingthanks · 26/11/2025 12:26

@justjuggling Assuming your ex-husand provided his consent for the name change of your children?

Yes of course. He was happy to put in writing. Not sure how you’d do it without consent?

ZiggyZowie · 04/05/2026 17:11

Since most marriages and partnerships breaK up and the kids usually stay with mum it makes complete sense that mum keeps her surname and all her children have same name as her.
Even if the children are with different men. It makes things much less complicated if all siblings share same name as mum .

CurlewKate · 04/05/2026 21:21

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 23/11/2025 21:50

I married so all of the kids and me have husbands last name. If we were to separate for whatever reason, I would continue to use my current last name rather than go back to my maiden name.

That’s not a “so”. Being married does not mean you have to take your husband’s name. It’s a choice.

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