To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

This.
In light of the case recently where a (male) judge said a child whose father was found to be a rapist still had to keep his last name until she was 18 (or father consented to name change).
I married young first time around and was incredibly naive - one of my biggest regrets is giving my sons ex-husband's last name alone.
I am now remarried and Ms HisName-My Name, my husband is Mr HisName-MyName, and our daughter is Miss HisName-MyName.
So much happier with this 😀

There is a myth that in the past, unmarried women gave their children their surnames in some display of autonomy and I guess, feminism.

The truth is that the fathers of these illegitimate children wouldn't want to be officially registered as their parent. It isn't that the women didnt want to have their child in their father's name, it's that they couldn't have them in their father's name. Often if they were in their father's name, they wouldn't experience the poverty that these illegitimate children did experience because it was usually a married man with high status and a single woman of low(er) status.

Anecdotally, the only children I know now who don't have their father's name are those where the father wasn't in their life as a baby, at least. They never came to the registry etc. So it mirrors this pattern of a child who doesn't know their father and/or their father won't admit paternity.

So rightly or wrongly, when i see a child in their mother's name, even if they are still together, I assume there has been some sort of conflict or just no dad on the scene. If I know dad is on the scene, I assume mum.wants to be married but dad won't so she put the kid in her name only to show that it is "hers" since he won't play ball.

Well my maiden name is my Dad's last name, so my Dad vs my husband? Husband wins.

@TheHappyPenguin Totally don't understand the "effort" argument - you don't need a Deed Poll to change your name and it's straightforward to provide evidence with a marriage certificate. Had my DH said he couldn't be bothered to db, then I "couldn't have been bothered" either.
Men are hiding behind this as an excuse.

@BeCalmLilacLion Can you see how this incorrect assumption is further playing in to the hands of the patriarchy though? I am a Ms MyName-HisName... am I married or is my marriage certificate false?

@Neurodiversitydoctor 90% of women still change in the UK. Professional women less so statistically.

But doesn't that make your DH's name your FIL's, not DH's? Or can men inherit actual ownership of names but not women?

It isnt an incorrect assumption. The reason why illegitimate children weren't given their rich Daddy's surname is because he didnt admit to paternity. The mum was often left in squalor as a result.

It is also true that many women advise keeping the kids in your name if there is a disagreement about marriage, as in, he won't marry you. So all in all, when I see a unmarried couple with kids in the woman's name, I assume that there has been discord over marriage. If the woman appears single, I assume there were issues over the paternity or it was a totally unplanned situation and the dad wouldn't up the relationship as a result of the pregnancy. Maybe he wasnt even on the scene when the baby was registered or she wouldnt allow him to attend because he wouldn't commit to her.

Either way, it sounds like drama.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp We are all dbd. HisName-MyName. Ideally I would have gone MyName-HisName, but it really doesn't scan. If husband hadn't dbd then neither would I, and our daughter would just be MyName.

I think women should keep their birth name in practically all circumstances and children should have their mother’s last name. If a man wants to have the same name as his child it’s not hard for him to change his.

@BeCalmLilacLion It really is wonderful that in 2025 "illegitimate" children are not discriminated against like they used to be 😀

It isnt about discrimination, it is about fact. When you are unmarried, you cannot just name the father like you can when married. So when a man refuses to show up to register the baby, youd have no choice other than to give it your surname. So that is why when a child is in the mother's name, it appears as if there was conflict and they couldn't or wouldnt register their baby together. Red flag for drama.

@BeCalmLilacLion So you bascially view all unmarried mothers as."red flag drama." Wow. Supports my argument all the more. I suppose you would look down on her / their children, too.

No I assume that an unmarried mother with kids in her name had discord with their father around marriage or even the birth of the baby. I assume that he wouldnt show up to the registry, or she wouldnt let him due to some sort of argument they have. From experience, that argument is usually around marriage and that she wants it and he doesnt.

I especially think that about groups of people who literally suggest keeping the kids in the mum's name as a direct response to a refusal of marriage.

Fwiw, my parents never married. I have my dad's surname. My mum would never have considered anything else... she didn't want to marry him (or anyone, she never has).

@BeCalmLilacLion You assume wrongly, of course. I'm very happily married. And a Ms 😀

My kids have my name, which I am never going to change for anyone. The end.

And before anyone starts, I was with their dad for 10 years before the first one was born and we are still together now.

Tradition is that children take the mothers name, if she happens to have married and taken her husband's name then so be it.

Yeah I've thought that before but I'm more detached from my FIL so only really know it as my husband's last name.

@BeCalmLilacLion So your dad didn't have a "discord" with your mother? I'd be wrong to assume that? 😀

I have his name. That shows that they attended the registry together in harmony. Having a child in their mother's name shows that either she wouldnt allow the dad there, or he wouldnt come and admit paternity. Women in the past desperately wanted their children to be acknowledged by the father and his family. The father would not through shame.

That was tradition because the dad wouldnt show up and sign the papers! Not because the woman wanted it that way.

OP it's interesting that you double barreled to get around this. But your DD won't be able to do the same will she? Or she'd(or your GC) end up triple or quadruple barreled.

Or, you know, that the woman is a feminist who doesn’t believe in patriarchal power dynamics.

That’s not something that would occur to you?

Like the OP, as well as us both double-barrelling, I’m also a Ms and would never be a Mrs; well not whilst all men, married or not, are referred to as Mr. Ms does not allude to my marital status, just like a mans title doesn’t his. Equality, innit?!

The Spanish system doesn't really solve the problem - only the paternal part of each double barreled name is carried on by the subsequent generation.

That might be the case now, but it wasnt why women didn't use the father's surname in the past. It wasnt feminism, it was denial by the father and it left women in precarious situations.

@BeCalmLilacLion But it's not the case now, as you have said yourself.