To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

This.
In light of the case recently where a (male) judge said a child whose father was found to be a rapist still had to keep his last name until she was 18 (or father consented to name change).
I married young first time around and was incredibly naive - one of my biggest regrets is giving my sons ex-husband's last name alone.
I am now remarried and Ms HisName-My Name, my husband is Mr HisName-MyName, and our daughter is Miss HisName-MyName.
So much happier with this 😀

Well we were engaged when we had our first so I thought we would all share a surname.

He left before our second was born but I wasn’t going to let my children have different surnames and lose their sibling identity

I didn’t want a double barrelled name.

My exdh and I consciously chose to use his name because mine was horrible. My two children have his name. I have a new partner and I still happily use my ex’s name. I like my exdh and the kids have a great relationship with their dad. Absolutely no regret here.

@ExperiencedTeacher What will you do if you remarry?

@Lmnop22 Am I correct that you weren't married but still gave your children his last name? I get the sibling identity thing, but both of your kids would have had your last name.

@MrsnothingthanksI’m unsure at the minute. It’s not on the cards for a long time anyway, but if/when it happens I’m likely to use my current name professionally and my partner’s name personally. I can’t see me return to my maiden name and I’m not worried about having a different name from the kids. The only thing that bothers me is I have built a career with this name.

If you’ve built a career round your name don’t change it! Why are you even considering it?

It would always be the man’s name though. Except for one or two so people could say “But I know a couple who chose the woman’s name!!”

I gave DD my XP's surname because I dont like my surname, was bullied mercilessly for years over it, and didn't want DD to be subjected to the ridicule growing up.
Since she was born, I have not thought of the name as XP's name.
It is DD's name! It belongs to her.

When I split with DD's father, I was asked if I would consider changing her name to mine.
I couldn't understand why then, and I don't understand it now.

DD's first name was XP's suggestion too. I liked the name, so that became DD's name.
Should I have changed that when we split too, since that came from XP too?
At what point is it your DC's name? Is it after a certain amount of years?

@UNDERCOVERELEPHANTINTHEROOM Why don't you change your last name if you really don't like it?

I'm currently getting divorced and have it in our parenting arrangement that DD changes her surname to double barrelled, if she consents (she is 7 so gets to have an opinion as it is her name). STBxH hasn't objected to this.

@Periperi2025 Will you be Ok with it if she chooses not to?

Yes because I intended to take his name when we married and have a family name. Obviously had I known he would leave, I might have decided differently about my first born’s last name but keeping my name after marriage wasn’t important to me so I planned to change it.

I'll have to be, I'm not going to force it on her, but she will know she always has the option to take my surname too, and understand if she ever has kids to consider what she does with their name when they are born.

I'm embarrassed for you. Why would you not Google it before making a fool of yourself being condescending?

https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=how+are+spanish+surnames+formed

@Periperi2025 Good on your for having it set out in a legal framework. For most it is the case that a the child's last name cannot be changed until at least 16 without the consent of both parents (if they both have PR).

Fairly easy to avoid though. Just don’t make terrible choices when choosing who to marry and have children with.

I also don’t get why women who hate their last name for whatever reason, wait until they’re married to change it.

deed poll at 18, then you’re rid of it forever. You can even change it unofficially before that, go by your mums birth surname, then at 18 change it officially for passports etc.

seems a bit sad and passive to wait years for a man to come along and save you from your own name. Do something if it’s that bad.

Totally this! I took my husband’s name and my son obviously has this name too. I wouldn’t think ‘oh I’d better not give my son that name in case DH ends up being a rapist’! If you feel this way, you’d be better of not having kids and trusting no one! Same could be said for women… whose kids take their name!

People always trot out the “same name for travelling” line.

it’s a myth. There are many cultures where parents retain their birth surname, and “family names” aren’t a thing. They somehow manage to travel with no issues.

i have never had an issue travelling with a child with a different surname. In fact my last school trip the two mums who were stopped and asked for documentation had the same name as their kids, and thought that meant they would have no problems. They were scrabbling around for birth certs and permission letters off their husbands and very nearly missed the flight.

you need birth certs and a permission letter regardless of names. Names don’t prove a parental relationship, it could be aunt, grandparent, uncle, or even someone completely unrelated. Child trafficking/abduction is most often done by a family member, not a randomer. Border control don’t have a problem with different names, there are other red flags they look out for.

I use my birth surname, but I gave my kids my DH’s name because it was easier to spell and went better with their chosen first names. We’ve actually found out we have a historical surname in common (though different spelling) and if we could have been arsed it might have been fun to both use it but it would have involved paperwork.

I haven't changed my name because I'm okay with it now.
I have never waited for or expected a man to save me in any way, including my name.

@HereAreYourOptions I'm very happily married. This didn't require me to change my last name or that of our daughter's to my husband's.

Actually, I believe you can give a baby whatever surname you want.

you don’t have to give it your name. You can give the child the fathers name, but you can’t register him as the father without his permission if you are not married.

giving the child his name is not the same thing as registering him as the father. And yes, you do have a choice whether to give the child your name or a different one.

The old “men’s last names are so much better than women’s” thing is coming up again I see!🤣