Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

Oh interesting that PeonyBulb as I've had several PMs agreeing with me

Honestly given the poor girl’s situation and assuming the venue isn’t hours away then I’d get ourselves to the venue early and then either DH or I would go pick her up, and reverse that at the end. It sounds like she needs her friends and some kindness in her life.

Well any of those people can contact me and send me the money for the Uber then.

From OPs posts I think she has shown lots of kindness but sometimes it’s not possible to do everything.

if she can’t fit her in then she can’t fit her in. She also won’t know anyone and due to her situation (smell) may feel vulnerable in that setting. I think maybe don’t invite her and arrange a play date another time - as others have suggested.

Can the child’s parents not arrange an uber? It’s not OPs responsibility

Yes, this.

And a chaperone

Could one of the other parents collect her?

Tough situation op

It is not up to the OP to fix this girls life. Saying she has lost this mum and her daughter makes it sound like no one else will have noticed this child being neglected and as if this one mum leaving her out of a party is the end of the world! If she noticeably smells she will be on the schools safeguarding radar and regular meetings will be held about her and support offered.

I was going to say, it's very easy to agree with spending someone else's money.

Not to mention the fact that the 7 year old might not want to ride alone in an Uber or that Uber may not agree to take her anyway due to her age.

Do two trips. Not ideal but a lovely solution and she could have a bath at the sleepover so you don’t have to worry about the smell she feels cared for

OP use one of the wordings suggested. Yes it's sad that she probably won't be able to come but you can do a separate special treat and it sounds like you will. Or simply not invite her as it sounds like she will not realise and then just do a separate special treat anyway.

And do not feel bad. You are clearly a kind person. I know several parents who simply would not invite this child because of her home life and would not give it a second thought

I have considered that, but unfortunately there's not enough time - either my kids would have to stand outside the venue for 30minutes in the cold and wet (it's on an industrial estate and we can only be in the venue 30minutes before to set up) or I/DH would be late to the party and there has to be a child to adult ratio. Otherwise we'd do that for her. There is a bus that goes from the centre of the village she lives in to the road outside the industrial estate.

This
You say it's entirely accessible by public transport, so surely you just explain "hi, we'd love for friend to come to the party, but unfortunately we can't offer lifts this year, hope you're still able to come?"
If as you say they "won't bother" (how do you know if you've always given a lift?!) then that's not your problem, is it. If they want her to come then they'll come on public transport or find alternative arrangements.

Would you be comfortable bathing an unrelated 7 year old girl? Especially one who has chaotic parents known to social services?

OP shouldn't put herself at risk.

True. but this is someone who has been kind and inclusive to a little girl. And now can’t be, for genuine reasons. BUT she doesn’t know that.

so I would get her, sort the sleepover and then pop one of mine in with a friend and get that wee girl to the party.

if that is what my daughter wanted.

Also in the nicest possible way, is the girl even going to fit in with the other children at the party? Presumably in the past your DD invited other friends who would know this child. Inviting them to a party with no one they know is always awkward especially as no parent would accompany them, and if DD is busy with other friends this girl might end up being left out of things.

But they are no longer in the same school. The girl isn't likely to remember that it was this friend's birthday coming up and that in the past the mum always took her. Assuming the OPs daughter moved schools in September they won't have seen each other in a few months (unless other playdates have occured) so it's likely she has moved on to other children.

If that's the case, then just "I'm sorry we'll have a full car this year so we won't have space to take X" is fine. It's not like you're arranging something inaccessible. The only time we've organised lifts was when we went to a swimming party at a lovely splash park a few towns over, which we did because it's the nearest pool with slides and stuff. Transported every child both ways from our house with one other mum driving. That was to do with it being quite far and also just not wanting 7 cars doing the journey for environmental reasons. Otherwise everyone has made their own way including doing 2 buses if needed.

OP TBH I think not inviting her would be easier.
Your DD is at a new school, with new friends, the other girl is likely to feel out of it anyway if she doesnt know the other girls.

While you are obviously a very kind and caring person, you have a choice either let the friendship slip, or keep it to play dates / sleepovers (where you can give the girl a shower and shampoo).

Possibly. or she will always remember the friend she had.

either way, the OP said her own daughter had wanted her there so I would make that happen.

Because on the occasions I haven't been able to give a lift (e g. DD hasn't attended the same party or has been taken by another parent) then friend is just hasn't gone, even if the party has been in the same village. And I don't offer the lifts, the mum or dad messages and asks. If I can, I do.

What? You don’t arrange transport for your children’s guests? I contract a group of chauffeurs to collect and return my kids friends and they take a hamper of champagne and caviar to the parents. You lot are so tight.

Why would people pm you to agree? That's so weird.

I wouldn't invite her op. I'd arrange to do something else just with her the following week.

Why is it so complicated. Message the mum to say party is when but this time you can't give lifts. Them her call. Or just don't invite.

And so t get me started on lifts. I helped someone out which turned into being a taxi service so I learnt the hard way.