Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

are there no other party attendees who could give them a lift? It’s so important for that little one to be involved if their home life is not good

Yip and it also puts the othrr girl into an awkward postition walking into a party full of strangers who don't know her, with a hygine issue.
Its not the girls fault but you have no idea how the new friends will react. 7 year olds often lack filter 'whats that smell'.

Even without the hygine issues it could change the dynamic of the party, meaning the party spliting the DD and old friend, while the new friends stick together.

DD might not realise but she needs to focus on integrating with her new friends and building those bonds.

Nope its not the best thing for Ops DD to have the other girl there. Shes in a new school with girls who will have already made friends, she needs to build those bonds herself.

Something completely seperate with the other girl would be a much better idea.

It would be different if the girls all knew one another from school or extra activites.

If it’s not in the best interests of the girl to go to a party with a bunch of strangers, just don’t invite her instead of veiling the wish to do so in a dilemma of not being able to offer a lift.

FWIW, if I were a parent at the new school, I’d be more than happy to help out a newbie.

Being fair to Op, she wasn't thinking about the party dynamics.

She was thinking on how to make it clear to the mum getting the girl there was her responsibility, before the girl was aware. The last thing you'd want is for the girl to get an invite, and know about it with no way of getting there.

OP didn't think about the dynamics until it was brought up between pp's falling over themselves claiming they would order £50 Ubers and bath an unrelated child.

If an OP started a thread claiming a new school mum who she doesn't even know was already asking for favours, new school mum would largely go down as a CF. Especially as OP wouldn't be able to go in to details about why.

Sad for the child as if her home life is less than ideal, attending a party would be lovely. Wonder if anyone else lives nearby who can offer a lift? Take it it's too far for the parent to walk their child to the party too?

Sexual abuse? This just gets worse reading this. That poor child. I would be going back into your child’s old school and reporting concerns, making a fuss etc. The poor girl.

It sounds like you’re edging towards not inviting and I can see why. I haven’t read every response so this might be there, but I did wonder about you getting the bus with her and sending your partner in the car with the other kids, timed to ensure the ratios are maintained. Big hassle obviously but might work. Either way, thanks for explaining all the safeguarding issues and handling so clearly, as the natural inclination to want to do something can butt up against the right way to do things! (And clearly you have both done something and the right thing in that regard.)

That would be a nice thing to do, but playing it out, that presumably would involve four seperate journeys for OP:

1. OP getting public transport to meet the child at their house
2. OP and child using public transport to get to the party
3. OP and child using public transport to take the child back to their house
4. OP using public transport to get home

I've no idea how long this would take but it seems like huge amount of effort (and potentially time) for OP on the day of her daughter's birthday party. Given public transport is notoriously unreliable it also risks OP missing some or maybe even all of her daughters birthday party, because this girls parents can't be arsed. ETA: I consider myself a kind person, but this would be too much for me and I would prioritise my daughter by ensuring I'm present at her party.

Or @CalmShaker and the swathes of PP in their private messages could bump up the funds for a £50 Uber. Especially ones who've referenced the season of goodwill 😁

I would just send the invite & when she texts asking for the lift say you cant really sorry

Somebody always has to be the first to ask a favour. @SouthLondonMum22 you're just being an apologist for the OP who’s nit wishing to invite the friend. Any reasonable solution is being batted away in the manner of Travis Head.

Can you not let her come for a sleepover? Seeing as social services already involved she's clearly not having the best childhood.This could be a kindness she'll remember for the rest of her life.

It won't solve the issue of getting her to the party.

What reasonable solution? I don't know the other mum's to ask for a lift - when I say I don't know them I mean I couldn't even point them out in the playground and I don't have their numbers - no class whatsapp or anything. I'm hoping the party invites will glean some contact from them, but I'm not going to say "thanks for getting back to me, is there any chance you can take my daughter to her own party?".

I can't afford an Uber.

The suggestion of taking the other child via public transport myself is possibly doable, but I do risk being late for my own child's party which would impact the whole event.

OP asked for advice on how to let the child's parents know that she wouldn't be able to provide a lift this time, not alternative solutions to help her get the child to the party.

Out of interest, what reasonable solutions do you think have been provided that OP has unreasonably batted away? From what I can see, the reasons OP has provided are entirely reasonable.

OP has said that she will have a separate birthday celebration at home for her daughter and this child so she will be able to pick her up and drop her back home.

This is a new school for OP's daughter and she doesn't know the parents of any of the children from the new school that her daughter has invited at all so is not in a position to ask for favours.

If you had read all OP's posts, you would know that OP has reported her concerns through the correct channels.

Op Doing something seperate with the other girl is by far the best solution. Doesn't matter if its a sleepover, trip to the pictures or whatever.

We are in the run up to Christmas too everybody is busy and you already have a party to deal with. And your DD's actual birthday.

Don't go stressing yourself out trying to get public transport and the other girl to the party.
Let DD concentrate on building new friendships. Also this is first impressions for new friends mums too.

Your daughter has moved schools and this girl won't know anyone there other than your daughter. It is fine not to invite her to the party and instead invite her over for tea/cinema/out for ice cream another day.
Explain to your DD that you've decided that because friend won't know the other girls but given she wants to keep up the friendship you have planned this alternative.

Pick her up the day before

And get her from my house to the party how?

The car won't magic extra seats overnight.

RTFT people!

New school, new friends. If she’s is the outlier friend from the old school then make it simple. Also, if this child is not going to hear all about missing out on a party at school from the others,then it’s not such a big deal.

I'd invite her. If she can't make it then perhaps have her after school for a slice of cake and a play for an hour, before running her back home.