Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

Ignore this post. I started writing it when there were only a couple of responses and the thread movedon massively which I was engaged in bedtime wrangling.

I’d word it like this: just send the normal invite and when they ask for a lift just say sorry we have a new car so we don’t have enough space anymore! And then send transport links. That’s all you can do realistically.

Fair enough

How is Caitlin going to get to the party after sleeping over?

Plus the op doesn't want a sleepover.

In the circumstances, I think that there’s a risk that your DD’s new school friends might pick up on the issues around hygiene/cleanliness and make inappropriate comments (intentionally or unintentionally) leaving both her and your DD upset. It will also potentially leave your DD in an awkward position as I wouldn’t expect a 7yo to have the social skills to navigate a situation where she is new to a group herself and introducing someone unconnected to a group and where that person has this noticeable issue.
Rather than invite her, host a special play date, whether just for her or other friends from your DD’s old school. I’d probably also come up with a way of washing her clothes and letting her have a shower. I’m sure others would think that that was inappropriate though.

It is inappropriate, it also wouldn't do much if her parents haven't taught her to wash.

I don't think you can expect the OP to do that. It is very sad and I'm sure OP feels for this poor girl, but if she did anything that could be seen as overstepping then that could end poorly for her and for the child. It's a very sad situation and I hate these disgusting, neglectful parents. There is no excuse for that nowadays, now that contraception is so freely and widely available.

Seeing as they are no longer at the same school and the kid won't hear about the party, I would put the situation out of your mind now, proceed with you daughter's party.

If you are a social worker and are satisfied that all that can be, is being done for the girl, don't be guilted into jumping through hoops. If you feel like it, you can facilitate a play date in the coming month or so.

I would agree with pp who said that if the girl has an odor and other antisocial hygiene issues, other kids might be cruel to her at a party.

Quite staggered by the amount of posters giving OP a hard time and saying she just needs to make it work to pick up the friend and get her to the party.

No! OP does enough by the sounds of things and it's okay for her to say this one time that she cannot facilitate the friend getting there and back. It's a shame if the parents don't step up but guilt tripping OP is so unfair.

I agree. And I'll send you a DM to tell you that!

It isn’t your responsibility to get her there, but given the circumstances, I’d try to sort it. I’d probably put one of my kids in with another parent, and pick the girl up

How far is this child away from you? Make a special trip fgs, she has a hard time in life, maybe one of your friends could take your child with them to make space in your car.

Are you serious? They should make their child, the one whose birthday it is, travel with someone else?

It's sad that this girl has a poor home life but it is NOT OP's responsibility to make her happy.

That's why I suggested swimming, a shower in a public pool when you come out, you could help her wash her hair with her wearing a swimsuit and its in public view not hiding away in the bathroom at home.

But I appreaiate it might not be that easy if she has no pool confidence. But shes not too big for arm bands etc.

Op its a tough one but I don't think having her at the party is a good idea.

So send OP a private message so you can help this poor little girl? Very kind of you to offer

She probably doesn't even have a swimsuit.

I'm a social worker. I've taken appropriate action. Her behavior is indicative to me of sexual abuse

WTF!!! I think birthday party transport issues are the least important here. This girl needs immediate help.

@Ahfiddlesticks just invite her but say ‘we’ve changed car so unfortunately can’t offer transport this time - the party’s at X and bus Y goes right past the door’ or something like that?

That's not for me to determine or undertake. The relevant authorities have the information necessary to make informed decisions and I'm not privy to what action is or isn't being taken or why.

Link her up with another guest who has space in their car.

It might not be that she hasn't been taught to wash. It might be more than she is only allowed to bath once a fortnight or that her clothes don't get washed or that her room is utterly squalid.

OP mentions that there may be sexual abuse as well as neglect so I don't think any of us can assume anything about her living circumstances. OP - I am glad you are a social worker because I feel afraid for this little girl and am relieved that you have made the proper referrals.

As to the party, I think an invite, with an explanation that you can't do a lift this time but 'here is how to get there on the bus' will demonstrate to the girl that she is wanted. Perhaps you could offer to meet her off the bus and see her safely onto the one home?

But I do also have a little trepidation about the reception she might get from new school friends if she doesn't smell clean and stands out from them. This might put your DD in the awkward position of having to defend her, or even worse, side with new friends against her to save face.

Can’t your daughter catch lift there and back with a friend that she does know (surely someone will be willing to do this for her birthday)! Thus allowing you to give her friend a lift & freeing up space?

If there’s a will there’s a way that hopefully is affordable. Unless of course you just don’t want her to come.

I expect there is already support going on with this child. All these people suggesting solutions of offering clothes, and making arrangements for her to be able to wash are all well intentioned but there will be proper agencies working with the family and working with them. There will be multiple children like this child sadly within a school, you may not be aware of who. Schools often provide uniform, home clothes, shoes, trainers and even help organise transport to school for families in need. At Christmas families where it is known there may be difficulties may be given food hampers, there will be presents bought for the children (and even siblings not at the school). I don't think people realise what goes on behind the scenes.

I get the vibe you just don’t approve of this friendship and are looking for ways to make sure she can’t come.

This is OP's DDs party and should be about her, not any other child.