Party dilemma- how to word this?

[Ahfiddlesticks]

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

OP you've had some mad responses on this thread but a cheaper more practical solution would be if you have any family or friends who have insured their car for third party use. I was thinking you could borrow an extra car for the day, which could also be useful for transporting party supplies etc.

Sorry that this situation is so complex. It sounds like you have handled it so thoughtfully.

Wishing your DD a lovely birthday party 🎉

That bit wasn't lost on me. You're assuming these are identifiable details – how do you know that OP hasn't changed anything about ages/genders etc?

I don’t see why the mum needs to know any of the others coming in order for her daughter to have a lift. Can you say to the mum, could you organise an uber, or let me know if you’d like me to ask round the other mums for a lift

The Uber idea is a bit bonkers. What I would do is sent a message to the other parents asking if anyone can offer the child a lift. Then message the parent with details of the party and that X is going the same way and can give a lift if she needs one.

Presumably with your "more kinder" approach you'll have messaged the OP offering to transfer money for this Uber you keep banging on about then. Job done!

I wouldn't be borrowing anyones car for anything.
Your more likely to have an accident in a strange car and I would be your fault so need to repair / replace the car. No chance.

Honestly it is not the Ops responsibity to get the child to the party. Ubers and borrowing cars would be an absoute No from me.

The party needs to be about DD focusing her energy into her new friends. Also its an oppertunity for Op to actually say Hello to the other parents.

Op I think you need to put it to DD that Sally might feel a bit out of it not knowing the other girls and it might be nice to do something seperate with Sally at another time.

Op you also have to think long term here. While I appreiate you want to keep an eye out for the friend, you cannot change her life. Only you can decide if its worth hanging onto the friendship or let it drift / encourage DD to focus on her new friends.

Saying it’s full when it hasn’t been before makes it sound like friend is bottom of the pile. I wouldn’t mention a full car (has OP even said it will be full?).

This poster thought it was appropriate to write a poem about an OP who had been sexually assaulted and then post it on their thread, so I'm not sure I'd take any of their suggestions seriously

😮

Please tell me it was reported and taken down?!

Have you read the thread? The girl has suffered abuse and neglect.

Wow to some of these responses.
I think it's ok to either not invite her or not take responsibility for her transportation if mum won't bring her.
You can compensate to your daughter and the girl by having a playdate that's a bit more special than usual, if so inclined.

PPs clearly have no idea that when you are in contact with children who are being abused or neglected, you will almost inevitably come up against your own powerlessness to make it all go away with the click of your fingers. Kind gestures and inclusion still count for a lot, and it sounds like you've been on that. Getting her to this party isn't the the only opportunity for that.

Yeah we used to have a 7 seater and now we don't. So no spare seats.

What have you decided to do?

Add: Transport arrangements for friend". as it stands it sounds as if you are not inviting them.

I'm not sure how me not paying for Uber means I'm not kind. We can't afford it and I'm not comfortable to putting an unaccompanied child in an Uber. I've taken this child to every single party and school child related event she's ever attended.

Just ask the other party parents if anyone can give her a lift. It’s not complicated!

Ah this is so sad, it’s not your responsibility but would be so kind of you to find a way to get her to the party. Could you make two trips?? Or could another person with a bigger car drive? It sounds like this girl has an awful home life and I bet going to this party would mean a lot to her. Children in bad situations will remember the adults who went above and beyond for them for the rest of their lives.

Definitely not embarrassed, I just don't know the other parents well enough to ask them to go out of their way to collect her.

And it's definitely not a once a year thing.

With the Uber, I doubt the parents would come with her - she often walked to school without a parent and has a general lack of supervision.

I think off the back of conversation on this thread I'm going to not invite her and instead do a little party thing with just dd and her friend, maybe on dd actual birthday so it feels special - party bags, cake etc.

OP I’d send an invitation but let them know you can’t offer a lift this time but I’d offer to have the little girl over for a play date soon if it’s a case she can’t attend the party. The friendship will possibly fizzle out anyway now that your DC is in a new school especially at that age that would be normal enough regardless of the circumstances .

I am always bemused on these threads at the amount of shock and horror and naivety whenever poverty or neglect is mentioned and it always surprises me that a lot of people can’t understand that unfortunately this type of situation is far from unusual . Some poor children have very chaotic home lives and even when families appear very respectable there can be serious substance abuse or SA going on.

Thanks for understanding.

Yeah definitely feel frustration at my own powerless at this situation but also have to trust that my colleagues in the local safeguarding team and police are doing their jobs.

I guess it can be hard for other posters to understand what professionals are up against and often people think that removing a child and placing them in foster care is an easier and better solution but often it's really not. It's such a double edged sword.

But she doesn't have a dilemma, not one that she wants to practically solve anyway. That's why I asked - what is she looking for?

I wasn't ascribing anything, you've misread. It's a question, and it wasn't directed to you.

I don't think you meant to reply to me

I was asking for how to word clearly and upfront that I won't be able to transport the child to the party.

I wasn't expecting alternative solutions, like not inviting her, doing a playdate etc - I'd only really focused on how she'd get to the party. I'm actually going to do some of the alternative solutions so the thread has been really helpful.

It sounds like you don’t actually want to.