AIBU??? WhatsApp chat drama!

[PuffPastry84]

Right, apologies in advance because this is going to be long but I need some perspective because my head is spinning and I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive. With school tomorrow I can't even begin to describe how nervous I feel.

DS is in year 3 and I get on fine with most of the mums. In our playground we have the four mums who are always front and centre of organising things. The leader of them is a nice enough lady but she does have a mean streak in her which occasionally comes out.

Last week there was a Mum's Night Out planned for the Friday night. It was meant to be tapas followed by drinks. It had been mentioned in the playground that week but I wasn't really interested. Nothing came of it on the class group chat, so I assumed it was just an idea in passing. However it happened but it seems only a select chosen few went. It's not my business and adults can choose who to socialise with, but if anything it would have been the four main mums but it turned out to be a group of 12. So, it was hardly an intimate gathering amongst friends. The morning after the night out I went into the group chat to double-check something, and I saw a load of messages saying "hope everyone got home okay last night!" and loads of photos of those who went. I put a comment saying "looks like a great night!" but then my friend (whose DS is in the same class as mine) says "nice that you included everyone". That message got ignored but apparently at football practice this morning two of the dads were laughing about "group chat soap operas" which means that the situation has escalated somewhat.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? I'm dreading the playground tomorrow because obviously my friend has made that comment which has started all of this.

How is this thread about nothing still trending 🥴

it’s natural to get anxious about conflict, especially when you feel pulled into drama you want no part of. Just stay out of it and let any friends know that you're not interested

No. Motherland is entertaining and something actually happens

OP wasn't pulled into anything though.

Ok, it sounds like Kevin from Motherland’s internal monologue

Meanwhile: the kids are all playing together nicely and getting on with what they’re meant to be doing.

Dear OP,
I don't think you are BU. From what I understand, they mentioned organising an event while you were around, but when it came to invites, you weren't included. Personally, I feel that even if it's an event that I may have declined, the fact of being left out of the invite details would really hurt my feelings. As a matter of fact, some mums that I speak to every day (DS also in year 3) went on a night out but did not invite me (it is actually my kinda thing and I would have loved going) and I was really hurt by that. It made me question what it is about me that made them not even consider inviting me, or consider it and dismiss me as not being worth the invite.
As for the comment your friend added, it was really uncool, she really made a big deal of something that just makes things uncomfortable for you. My advice, keep doing what you have always done during the school run. Stand with them and it won't stay awkward long. Talk about your kids, this is what you all have in common and within a school run or two, it will all be forgotten. I would definitely have had a little chat with my friend to tell her that her input wasn't helpful though!
Sorry for the very long reply. Good luck with the school run! x

Well maybe, but they mentioned the idea in front of everyone initially then didn’t advertise the date so it’s a bit 50/50 I reckon.

OP didn’t seem that interested though anyway and those 4 mums are not responsible for everyone else’s social lives.

Ugh. Time to mute that group OP.

Not your problem. Your friend said a bit of a snarky comment back, but so what? You're not her keeper.

Cult- who said anything about cults- thats an extreme take? They only organised a night out and chose to display that when not everyone was invited. That was a choice, they could have done that on a private WhatsApp group instead. I doubt they are creating a cult?

Exclusionary behaviour is very common. People utilise the pain of being rejected from a group for all sorts of reasons- Cliques, sports teams, politics, to sell beauty products. It takes some self compassion to build resistance to it by acknowldging that it hurts to not be invited, but not let it change your behaviour.

OP said she didn't want to go to the group, so wasn't excluded.

We have no idea of the interaction between the friend and anyone else, so have no idea if there was a purposeful exclusion or not. With a group of 30 or so, it's likely it wasn't purposeful.

Pretty much every group I've been in creates separate chats for different events so that others aren't spammed.

So, there is no known exclusion and no known clique. That's an uninformed take.

The mum group in my oldest primary did this to and their kids very much copied there behaviour. Most of them were vile little bullies and I was we were ostracised as neither me or my son wanted anything to do with them.

It’s nothing- don’t give it any more thougt

Ahhh bless, assuming a smile means no bad blood 🤣

Glad it’s all blown over - outwardly at least! You never had anything to worry about op.

Just mute the chat, or leave it.

OP don't feel bad for feeling the way that you do. However, I would reflect on this. If these mums are causing you so much Internal conflict and what appears to be fear ( as in fear of not being included ) I think you need to step back. Yes I agree on the face of it it would be sad if your son wasn't invited but it you look deeper then this is a chance to set an example..friends should not make your feel this way and there are lots of other kids/ mums in the class that you can have real friendships and the kids can be friends. If the kids of the cliquey mums are friends with your kid then the mums relationship with each other should not matter. If it does then you don't want them as friends. Show your kid how to be his own person and not followers of others

are you upset/worried that somebody (not you) made a comment about somebody else (also not you)? If so I don’t understand why you’re worried.

Why are you scared of them? Or more scared you’re going to be tarred with the same brush as your friend?.

She probably assumed you were being sarcastic btw so said what she said bc she felt you were on her team. Doesn’t sound like you are if you’re more worried about what 4 alphas think. It’s the playground not the fucking jungle.

Yes get a grip.

Jesus Christ you all sound pathetic. If this is the highest level of drama you have to deal with and it’s sent you into such a panic you obviously live in a privileged bubble far from reality or itshigh anxiety and you should probably get medical help if you haven’t already. How are you going to cope when your kids are teens?

I accept that you are testing my theory that the behaviour is deliberate to present an illusion of a social heirachy. My reasoning comes from the decision to share the information they went on a night out on a public chat forum seen by others who might not have been included in the invitation. A result her friend felt excluded as evidenced by her message, and that is painful.

These are grown women, who are perfectly capable of sharing photos and messaging privately but chose to do it publically. They are either doing it willfully or without care. Both of which says more about what they value, and less about the people that they chose to exclude.

Omg I get it because it’s like this at my kids school. It’s like something out a tv show. The leader of the mums and the cling-ons. Lots of social climbing. I hate it I think it’s actually really shallow. I leave them to it. It’s like some sort of attention seeking- in fact it is basically school all over again but the grown ups just didn’t ever grow up. I would be the one not to be invited and omitted maybe because I’m not trying to kiss their ass and be all “look at me”. It really is like that tv comedy show with the mums at school. Forgot what it’s called.

This has to be satire hahaha

Massively overthinking something you weren’t even interested in being part of.

Who cares if they did or didn’t have another what app group.

If in 4 years time you haven’t got a grip and stopped worrying about shit that doesn’t matter you will have won the booby prize.

An article in the press this week about the DC now 17 who didn’t get to finish year 6 because of a pandemic.