AIBU??? WhatsApp chat drama!

[PuffPastry84]

Right, apologies in advance because this is going to be long but I need some perspective because my head is spinning and I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive. With school tomorrow I can't even begin to describe how nervous I feel.

DS is in year 3 and I get on fine with most of the mums. In our playground we have the four mums who are always front and centre of organising things. The leader of them is a nice enough lady but she does have a mean streak in her which occasionally comes out.

Last week there was a Mum's Night Out planned for the Friday night. It was meant to be tapas followed by drinks. It had been mentioned in the playground that week but I wasn't really interested. Nothing came of it on the class group chat, so I assumed it was just an idea in passing. However it happened but it seems only a select chosen few went. It's not my business and adults can choose who to socialise with, but if anything it would have been the four main mums but it turned out to be a group of 12. So, it was hardly an intimate gathering amongst friends. The morning after the night out I went into the group chat to double-check something, and I saw a load of messages saying "hope everyone got home okay last night!" and loads of photos of those who went. I put a comment saying "looks like a great night!" but then my friend (whose DS is in the same class as mine) says "nice that you included everyone". That message got ignored but apparently at football practice this morning two of the dads were laughing about "group chat soap operas" which means that the situation has escalated somewhat.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? I'm dreading the playground tomorrow because obviously my friend has made that comment which has started all of this.

Thanks for the update, I'll sleep well tonight.

Oh my god who are the children here?? Honestly…. from what you have said a group of mums went out to something that you didn’t want to go to. someone else obviously did want to go and questioned why she wasn’t included. it’s not your issue - just get on with your life.

No !!!!
dont do that -
it will look like you are throwing your friend under the bus … then you will look like a bitch, whereas at the moment you aren’t on the radar ???

Not your circus...

YAB VVV U, for (a) being in this group chat in the first place, (b) not leaving as soon as you saw the first sign of drama, and (c) calling someone with a "mean streak" a "nice enough lady".

Well there's a surprise

No drama needed, just go to school, drop kids off, pick up and repeat. Honestly it’s not worth caring.

It was planned, you knew the plans, you weren't interested, and are now annoyed they didn't ask you specifically to go? You could have gone if you'd wanted to, you weren't excluded!

This is a none issue, and certainly not something to worry about.

That other person's msg doesn't reflect on you at all, this is literally the biggest non-issue I've ever read on here. I'd just carry on as normal tomorrow. Come back when there's been a 2 mum scrap in the school drive!! I have literally had to walk my kids past one!

Dont overthink it babe; pretend you haven’t seen the chat in a few days, ittl be fine x

It's not really an everyone thing is it.

I'd be remembering that for every group chat there's a sub group chat that you're not in.

Don't worry about it and move on.

People don't have to invite you on a night out just because your kids are in the same class. Grow up. Their only wrongdoing was posting on the group chat about it.

Who did they exclude? She wasn't interested.

This sounds like an episode of Motherland

OP, if I could give you some advice I would say don’t put these 4 mums on a pedestal. You don’t have to spend the next 3 years of your life in fear of pissing off some overgrown mean girls who have far too much time on their hands

This sort of thing happens all the time in most social groups - particularly larger ones. Just arrange something seperate with one or two of the non-invited mums if you like or just do something else and distract yourself away from it - not worth the energy or drama. Maybe it was select invites only to cause drama? Either way dont spend your life with FOMO. Ignore it and find something better to do

I sometimes think I must be a complete loner/ in my own world when I see things like this.
I drop my son off at school, the other parents around me mean nothing to me, I smile or chat like I would to any other stranger in the street but they don't take any space in my brain, I am oblivious to their dramas, there's no WhatsApp chats....well maybe there is but I dont know about them 🤣🤣

@PuffPastry84

The only thing of concern is your impression that these women hold more power than they actually do. That is the secret with cliques is they create an illusion of exclusivitiy.

They weaken the group by using the pain of rejection. Its very painful and can manipulate people into thinking that their survival is at risk, which manipulates people into behaving in ways to please them.

Feel the exclusion pain and ask yourself do you want to be friends with people who so blantly flaunt it and are causing pain to others? Their behaviour means nothing about you as a person, it does mean that they are unconfident in themselves and have to create the illusion of power to get what they want.

Hi OP, only read your updates not entire thread, so others may have said this:

• Year 6 leaving parties should be organised by the school, to ensure all kids are included. If it’s left to parents to organise, they should equally invite all kids or not have the party. A few close friends doing something together is different.

• So there’s no need to worry about upsetting other parents. They have no more authority or power than you, even though they may feel they have. It’s great they offer their time to organise things, but not if it excludes any child and their family.

• A sarcastic comment from your friend isn’t your responsibility. Sarcasm is disrespectful. It’s always better to be direct and polite, e.g. ‘Next time, could you post any parents’ get-togethers on this WhatsApp group rather than organise in-person, so that everyone knows they’re invited’.

• They can’t have it both ways. If a few parents who’re friends organise an evening out in-person, then they shouldn’t be posting how great it was on a group chat accessible to other parents, who weren’t invited. Why would they do that, rather than simply message each other? It’s either thoughtless or nasty.

• If you weren’t interested in the evening out, why does it bother you (or your friend) they didn’t invite people via the group chat? Is it because others were also excluded?

• WhatsApp groups are horrible, cliquey things. By their very nature, some people are excluded from them. It’s better to not be in any or (if they’re handy for info) give them as little thought/energy as possible. Schools shouldn’t use them as the only form of communication as not every parent has, or wants, WhatsApp (or even a smartphone).

• IMHO, any parent who relies too much on socialising with other parents at the school (via WhatsApp, gate-hanging etc) probably needs their own friends and life/hobbies. Of course we all make friends with our younger kids’ mates families. But there are lots of other ways to make friends too.

Nobody's going to be thinking that they won't be thinking about it at all

Well done your friend for her comment. there’s no excuse for mean girl behaviour

you, OP are a huge wimp!

I'm team friend too. If it wasn't a class meet up don't post photos on the class WhatsApp. There must have been a separate group chat to organise it so post photos on there.

@EdithBond the friend had expressed an interest in going and then was obviously missed off the invite list.

I was the same. Met some lovely neighbours/people via the kids’ primary schools. But none of them became close friends in the longer term. Met all my close friends elsewhere, rather than as a ‘mum’.

Same with my kids. They’re still mates with some kids they went to primary with. But they also made lots of friends at secondary and from playing in the neighbourhood etc.

But why would there be bad blood? You said they incited you on the playground and you didn’t want to go- what have they done wrong?

Jesus Christ, they organised a night out, they didn't create a cult...

They smiled at each other!!!! Phew! Disaster averted

🙄