Countdown on my birthday: Will they remember . . .

[Delphinium20]

Lighthearted, as I believe there will be an avalanche of well wishing the minute the first one remembers and texts the rest of this sorry bunch.

Now, I'll just say I am not one for big, expensive gifts nor grand parties. A simple brunch out at our neighborhood restaurant and maybe a small gift and card is beyond lovely in my book.

However, outside my 5yr old DNephew who isn't allowed phone time and can't read, the rest of this lot is currently on probation until I hear otherwise:

Listed in order of who should be figuring this out first:

Naughty List
DH (nuff said)
DF (he's 80, but in sound mind, lives with us, and he was there on the first one...)
DD 1(21) (away at her university, but c'mon!)
DD 2 (16) (old enough to know better)
DSis 1 (next to DF, has known me the longest, plus we're super close)
DSis 3 (youngest, but should be reliable)
Friends 1, 2 (known since we were 14)
Friends 3, 4 (very close)
DN 1 (17) (smart kid, pretty reliable)
DBIL 1 (50) (known the man for ever)
DN2 & DN3 (13 and 8) (probably remember but waiting for the family to tell them to call me)
DBIL 3 (newer, so more off the hook)
DSis 2 (high stress job, could be pulled into emergency work)
DBIL 2 (small kids, DW w/ high stress job)
DMIL (75) (has form for forgetting, but also has chronic condition, so no expectations)

Nice List
my dentist (sent me a 7:30 a.m. email)
DA (in her reliable fashion, mailed a card that arrived yesterday)

But no one goes out for a meal? Makes a birthday cake for anyone? Do none of your friends do anything for their birthdays?

It doesn’t have to involve a boozy night.

Happy Birthday! I'd be super hurt. They should all be ashamed of themselves.

Update: Had breakfast in bed plus fancy coffee made by DH this a.m. DD2 told me last night several times she had a good mother and I reminded her to make her own calendar and put annual dates on it cause she needs to be responsible for bdays of DGs, others as well and she can't rely on me. She understood.

DD1, reached out early morning European time zone with long letter of love and gratitude and we chatted again today.

The 2 college friends didn't reach out and there's something going on w/ each of their kids (same thing, ironically) which has strained not just our friendship but their friendships/relationships with others as well. I love them, but I think they are both in rabbit holes w/ their kids.

Everyone else is on nice list now, outside my immediate poor excuses sitting in purgatory, who are very, very apologetic today. I'm very glad I didn't remind them this year. They are all capable of realizing they need to be in charge of this, and gain some independence.

Someone asked about teaching DC our language . . . Dsis and I aren't as fluent as our DGP were but we did study it in school to keep up. DD1 was pretty fluent when she was little, but as she studied Spanish and French later in school, our language wasn't a priority, and I regret that now. DD2 can pick up things here and there. She didn't have the opportunity of a language school and I think that makes a big difference in keeping a family language going strong. My biggest regret w/ the language is not sending them both to longer summer camps in the language. Dsis and I were going to have all the cousins do this and it kinda fell apart when they hit a certain age.

Dear Aunt is an angel as not only did she send card, but she called me last evening and we chatted for an hour about happy family memories.

And DN (5) sang me a lullaby on the phone . . . he's such a cutie.

I'm 80 so I speak as an oldie. My Mum, my aunts ,my nan always had their cards in the post to me for my birthday and Christmas
Now I think life has become so stressful, so computerised and faces are now glued to the screens. Chat in offices is probably less and I'm sure families spoke more and saw each other as reminders. I took cards to relative's homes.. now I don't do Christmas cards as they've all died, but one.

I’m glad you had a good day in the end. I don’t think I would expect about 2/3 of the people on the list to wish me happy birthday though unless I was actually seeing them.

Like your style. They will be eating humble pie. At least there is no pressure for you to remember their birthdays. Stay chilled. Happy Birthday

Thanks to everyone here...it was refreshing to hear from you all, the humor, advice and nudges for me to stand up for myself. THANK YOU!

Also, some of you suggested we need to be more in charge of our own bdays made me think on my 2 university friends this morning who have difficulties w/ their kids. I just texted them and they responded and I suggested we get together for a coffee. While I know we can't be as relaxed around each other as we used to, I know they need friends who love them, not just cheerlead them or use them, so I suggested we meet and they jumped at it, which warmed my heart.

Thank you all!!

Yes, I think I have this holdover from that generation, although I'm mid-50s. We had more community when I was growing up, and I don't want that to get lost, so while I'm annoyed I'm the kin keeper in charge, I also want to impart this importance to my DDs because I want them to have the foundation of a strong family.

Dsis feels the same w/ her DDs which is probably why I heard from DN (17) so early. This kid sends handwritten cards to family because her DM has drilled that into her. DN is a quieter more introverted soul, but her discipline with social engaging has helped her far more than her peers who fall into that whole "cancel anyone who doesn't serve you all while refusing to engage with others because social anxiety."

Politically, I tend to fall on the left, but with family I feel I'm a bit of a traditionalist which I often see espoused in conservative circles (which can be a positive value). I think we do need to show up for one another and keep rituals, family holidays and traditions alive. It connects us to our past and gives us a blueprint for the future.

@wordler But no one goes out for a meal? Makes a birthday cake for anyone?

Why would I go that?

Do none of your friends do anything for their birthdays?

I'm a man, so I don't have friends.

Ok, @Delphinium20 - so what about DH? Have you had a serious talk with him, or are you just letting it go with a couple pieces of cake, a fancy coffee, and him making jokes about it? And what about him saying he “would have remembered”? What does that mean, given it was dinner time and he hadn’t remembered up to that point?

I see it as people who are annoyed by being forgotten wanting not to slide into that becoming the default. People who are breezy about being forgotten are often IME people who pride themselves on how much they can handle with ease, they're super self reliant, nothing bothers them etc. That can be admirable but can also lead to others thinking you never need any help, recognition and so on and so no one offers any. It's not a bad thing to assert your worth and to value others remembering your key moments.

I think there's some truth in this, and I appreciate you calling it out. But I do like to stand up for myself when I think things are going off . . . so in this instance, I realized that my DC and DH seemed to have seriously forgotten and I realized that their aunt or a cousin might alert them (hence the cascade) and that annoyed me that they weren't the ones sending each other reminders, which I do for them. Like, "Hey everyone, reminder, tomorrow is your aunt's bday, I know you have a big event after school, so reach out early so you don't forget"

he's been talking all morning to me about how bad he feels. He said, "Don't touch the housework this week - I've got it all"

the 'I would have remembered' is just him being stupid, I feel. Like he very well may not have...but he doesn't want to believe that.

Well, I certainly hope you hold him to it! We women too easily allow ourselves to be treated like second class citizens while picking up the slack for everyone else. I’m sure you don’t want to model that for your daughters, as you sound very intelligent and thoughtful.

Yes I have a wonderful aunt, currently terminally ill and besides dm and df the only other cards I received on my birthday last month were from her and my lovely godmother. Dc did call me but I did think in a few more years I won't get any more cards - I was 60 so a bit of a milestone.

Didn't friends or workmates bother?

I'm not bothered about cards but nice for a milestone.

I'm a bit sad at the posts about not marking birthdays when you are an adult. I think these days we need more ceremony in life, not less. Plus this one is a milestone for the OP. It's a "Double Nickel Birthday" as we say here in the States.

No, my younger db died last year (no other siblings) and most of the people I work with aren't English and it's not really their thing. I think cards are going out of fashion and I didn't realise I'd miss them! Dd1 had a birthday a few days later and she went out for a spa day with friends and stayed out the night before. Her dh was working so I looked after dgd and they went out for a meal while I babysat. It wasn't a milestone birthday for her.

My husband forgot one year. FB reminded him. He was mortified. It did cost him a very nice handbag.

I do get fed up having to remember every dentist, GP, hospital, Etc appointments when he's got a calendar on his phone he can check. I have to remember every birthday, buy every present in the family.

I'm spending an hour a day wrapping Christmas presents, then I'll start on the Christmas cards.

He says I'm better at these things 🙄

OP you sound like an amazing mum, sister, daughter and friend. I’ve loved reading your balanced take on the situation and I aspire to be like you.

Happy Birthday 💖

Yes cards are going out of fashion. It's good you have a loving family.

This has been my favourite feed to read in a long while.
Happy birthday for yesterday Delphinium, your lightheartedness to the situation really made me smile.

Well he would say that.

Glad you finally got some birthday love @Delphinium20.

I wouldn’t be impressed if a lover or partner forgot my birthday. Pretty basic stuff. I’d be making birthday plans without them in future and reconsidering my options! No amount of grovelling would cut it, unless there were extenuating circs. I’d rather not have a lover/partner than have one who forgets my birthday.

Younger people tend to message rather than send cards.

And he is better at sitting on his arse watching tv. How on EARTH do you expect to learn how good he is at that if you dont make the effort to do it yourself?!

Come on woman, put the effort in!

Hand him the paper and scissors, grab a bag of Doritos and the remote and tell him that it is a cultural exchange. You graduate when you have a bust covered in Dorito dust and can explain each contestants motivations in IACGMOOH, he graduates when he can cut a piece of wrapping paper in one swift movement and can gift wrap a bike using only three pieces of sellotape!

Ah, I don’t agree. Taken for granted year round, and the birthday just isn’t important enough to matter.