Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

You're the one who's missing the point.

But if it makes you feel better to start flinging about insults, crack on.

Also, for what it's worth, I have autism so no, I probably can't express myself as well as you can.

I'm neurodiverse too and that's why I operate on logic and critical thinking, and reason out my arguments before I post them to internet strangers. And generally avoid trying to convince anyone other than OP of my PoV - because a PoV needs to be well articulated to have an impact, or it's just a waste of time. But I can see we are very different types of ND.

I'm wasn't trying to convince you of anything - it's an internet forum - it's really not that serious.

OP your post makes me so sad. I reminds me of being a kid, and the limited time my brother and I spent with my Dad. We used to have such fun, going camping, going on his canal boat, doing treasure hunts etc.

Then he started bringing his girlfriend along. She was nice enough but it was never the same again. He wasn’t our fun Dad any more, he was just a grown up talking to another grown up.

The visits dwindled and stopped, which no doubt they inevitably would have as we got older, but I still feel sad for those lost years. The girlfriend became the wife, and then the ex wife, so in the end it wouldn’t have mattered whether we got to know her or not!

Didn't think it was but for some reason you felt the need to share something as private as your autism condition with me and keep responding. It's an internet forum, if you don't like a comment made to OP, scroll on.

I don't consider my autism to be private - I'm not ashamed of it and don't care who knows I'm diagnosed with it.

In terms of ignoring posts - the same goes for you - you don't have to keep answering me if I bother you so much 😉

Oh this is no bother at all - i have an hour to kill so can happily keep going. This is turning out to be such an enjoyable, intellectually stimulating, meaningful exchange. The best of MN.

I don’t resent it either I just want to meet her as she is important to him and I’m probably being over sensitive but it felt to me as though he didn’t want to let me meet her, that made me feel like he didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life.

Relax! And stop making it all about you. if it happens it will happen. If not, it’s one week a year.

How can you be so lacking in emotional intelligence as to think it was a good idea to suggest this?

Agree.

OP needs to step back and reflect on why she would want to barge into this child’s special outing.

That’s what I wondered, I think she wants to go play happy families and cement herself as his partner. But this was not th4 way to do it, if I was him I’d be side eyeing her, the utter selfishness of it, is disturbing.

It's been explained to you that this trip is not about you, it's about a bereaved child. It'd been explained that you going along would entirely change the dynamic of the trip, almost certainly to the child's detriment.

You need to let him do this special trip with his niece and stop whining about it.

OP you sound clingy and posessive and a bit controlling. Hopefully this will be the poor chap’s wakeup call, or you’ll see the comments here & take a more positive viewpoint.

You’re actually ridiculous. If you aren’t gonna back off why are you even posting in the first place

You sound needy,controlling and jealous of this child.
its not about you.
you are a girlfriend of her uncle, you are nothing to her so please don’t try and encroach on their precious limited time together.

But you're basing it all on you - an adult woman and not a 9 year old child who's lost their mother, and enjoys going on a yearly holiday with her mother's brother.

I suspect if the uncle thought his niece would prefer the OP to come along, he wouldn't have said no.

wow you're really hard work @Perel this is about a very young child, not you

Given he only sees her once a year I don't think you should invite yourself along and let him do this one thing just with her. It might be awkward for her if you go to given she does not know you and your partner has said he would rather it stay just him and her. Given she has lost her mum I think you should follow your partners lead on this and let them have their trip as normal.

I want to meet her and get to know her as she clearly matters so much to my partner, doesn’t everyone want to meet the people their partner loves?

You're a live in gf. You're not family. You're trying to push your way into something more and he's told you no. You won't meet everyone he loves and grow close to them. You are coming off desperate and somewhat controlling and he's given you a gentle hint here by refusing your asking to come. He wants to spend time with her by himself and I can see why if you're trying to insert yourself into a little annual thing he does with his niece.

Respect his no.

How long have you lived together?

You are being completely unreasonable and I'm quite taken aback that you can't see that. This is an orphaned child, who has a once a year special trip with a family member who is closely tied to her mum. Let her have that. Even if you were a long term partner, not just a girlfriend of 2 years, it still wouldnt be appropriate of you to tag along against one or both of their wishes, it's clearly something that means something to the 2 of them. Please just let this rest and don't push it or act all offended and try and guilt him into it.

I wonder if the BF ever goes on Mumsnet...

AIBU? My girlfriend keeps trying to inveigle herself on to my once a year ski trip with my now 9 year old niece, my late sister's child. She won't take no for an answer and seems actually jealous of my relationship with the little girl - is this a red flag?

I think you are just looking at this the wrong way round OP. You see it as your DP not wanting you to be a part of an aspect of his life but can you not see that this is about the child not him? Why would she want a stranger muscling in on the one time she gets to spend with her mums bother, hearing stories about the childhood and navigating grief together? No matter how lovely you are you will be in the way of that and a child shouldn't have to make a sacrifice, particularly a child that has lost a parent to make an adult feel not left out. If he decides at a later stage to create a new tradition for you to join great, but you have no helpful part to play in this one

Why does she need to share her uncle with you for a skiing holiday? You’ve only been together for two years, he’s been in her life for nine. Are you contemplating replacing her Mum?

This child's feelings are the most important thing here. She and her uncle have a trip that's just for them. It's special, and a partner or girlfriend, or really anyone else would alter the experience for both of them. His attention should be focused on his niece, and not on a third person.

If you want to build a relationship with her, then Zoom or Facetime, etc. might be the best way. Small chunks of time, nothing too deep.

But you really are being unreasonable to expect to be added to the trip.

The thing is it isn’t about you and the fact you’re unable to show any empathy at all for this little girl, who is orphaned and this is a special trip for, and you’re a complete stranger to tells people more than you’d like to know.

by all means ask to say hello in a face time, build it up. But apologise for asking and making it about you and try to come back from this bout of selfishness,