Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

So much time?

1 week a year?

You think this little girl would prefer a strange woman that she doesn't know, and didn't know her mum, to come on her holiday where she is connecting with her Mums family?

Especially since op is clearly trying to use this bereaved child to validate her own relationship.

She's living with this man like husband and wife. Your uncle's wife is your aunt so yes, she's something to do with her.

They're not married, in fact they've only just moved in together so she's not the uncle's wife.

I'm obviously the only person who finds it odd that he wants so much time alone with his niece and I also don't see why the niece would automatically prefer that.

Yes it's odd that you think of one week a year as 'so much time'.

And not seeing why his niece would prefer that to a complete stranger suddenly coming along with them, I think is also a bit odd.

Yes, it's quite possible she'd like to have a woman around but having lost her own mother, it's also quite possible that she wouldn't.

How can you develop a close relationship with this little girl who lives so far away that once a year is the most you'll see her? If she lived close by it would make sense to make her part of your life, but she doesn't. You going along would just mean that her special time with her uncle is compromised by (in effect) a stranger.

I think people are being quite harsh here and I can understand why you feel that maybe he doesn't see you as 'family' yet - despite moving in together.

A few questions - does he go on holiday with you, and are you included in other family holidays and events with his children and extended family? Does he go skiing with his kids or you - and do you like skiing? If I enjoyed skiing but my partner only did ski holidays with his niece, not me - I wouldn't consider him meeting my needs. They're expensive holidays so I also wouldn't be best pleased if his most expensive and long holiday was something I couldn't partake in - what's the point of being a couple then...

If you don't ski - could it be that he doesn't want the hassle of looking after you, keeping you entertained as ski holidays are very boring for someone who doesn't? And maybe he's hoping his niece will become a long term ski partner if he doesn't have that with you, any other members of his family, his own children and her family/father etc also don't go skiing (assume they don't if she's spending Feb half term with her uncle skiing).

You will have to consider the other aspects of your relationship and how much you feel he includes and prioritises you. His sister passed away several years ago and unless his niece has no father of her own, I don't think it's going to be a bad thing for her to be more exposed to her uncle's own family. Does she never see her cousins (his kids) either then - would he be as reluctant to let his own children join the holiday? Most families I know who ski, ski together as it's not exactly the sort of trip a 9 year old can dictate the terms of - it's not exactly a flexible holiday with lots of kids activities for her to pick and choose from! So I do get your concern but think it's wider than just this holiday.

YABVU. You've only been with him 2 years, you don't get to run his life.

My niece is married to a man she has been with for 10 years (been married for 5, no kids yet,) and he goes ski-ing with his 2 brothers and his dad and uncle every year for a week. None of the women ever go. They're not invited. Nothing is stopping them doing something! Indeed, they do things with their mates sometimes (excluding the men!) You can do things without your partner sometimes @Perel !!! (And he can do things without you!)

Anyone can live with anyone else - it has no bearing on how important the relationship is 😂

And no, she's nothing to do with her. They've never met.

You aren't going to be fully like a family unit after 2 years together and both having your own kids. Trying to fake it till you make it won't work just let things evolve naturally if they are going to at all.

I'd think less of your partner if he did have you tag along to be honest. Reconcile yourself with possibly not getting to know her for some years.

I think it's a shame you are feeling like this. His sister died and he wants to see his niece I would imagine your DH still suffers with grief after losing his sister and spending time with her daughter helps him to process things. It sounds like you have a large blended family so it will be difficult for you to build close relationships with them all.

He sees her once a year - let them have this time that is clearly very important to DH and his memories of his sister. Don't push it.

Agree

As a female

I'm not suggesting he's a paedophile, I just don't really understand the need to be alone with his niece for several days. I find it too intense and not very normal.

What does that have to do with anything?

It’s not about you.

I agree. I don’t think op should go on the trip no but some posters have said “you don’t have to meet her, she’s nothing to do with you etc” some really catty remarks, why isn’t op allowed to get to know other members of her partners family ? At a more appropriate time maybe but to say she is nothing to her is just plain nasty. I see it as more adults to love and support this child.

Sorry, what?

Those 3 words on their own don't make any sense.

Can you expand?

Would you say it’s wrong them meeting another time ?

It's not nasty - it's true.

To the 9yo, OP is some random woman she's never met and knows absolutely nothing about. They're not family, she's not her "aunt", she's not her DP's wife. She's a total stranger.

You are suggesting that, dont act coy.
What a disgusting thing to say.

Maybe you won’t. Ever.

But inserting yourself where you’re neither needed nor wanted certainly won’t help.

This trip is about their bond as niece / uncle. It isn’t about your wants.

What exactly is "not very normal" about it? Do explain.

You’re his relatively short-term girlfriend. You don’t need a relationship with his niece.

It's not about you or how it makes you feel. It's about his niece.

That’s a very unpleasant insinuation there - disgraceful. And no, she’s not his aunt. She’s a live in girlfriend of a relatively short duration.

No, I'm not. I'm suggesting it's too intense.

I wouldn't want to go on holiday just with one of my uncles without my aunt. I can't imagine wanting that. And someone I only see once a year?

It doesn't matter what you would want 🙄