Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

Except the DP doesn't want her there - so it won't be interesting, it will just be tense, awkward and uncomfortable.

I've already said I'd find just me and one of my uncles too intense and not varied enough.

Yes I think this is totally true. The child has been through a lot and you being there would change the dynamic completely and that isn’t fair on either of them.

Look, OP, as everyone has already told you, you are BU. You need to accept that the trip is just for your DP and his niece, and to wave him off on the trip as graciously as you can.

But on the plus side, it sounds like you have found a decent man. He is emotionally intelligent enough to know that this trip needs to be about his niece and her needs, and he is responsible enough to put those needs first. He sounds like a keeper.

Well, exactly - most of them wouldn't even want to go for coffee with someone's partner tagging along

Please don’t feel insecure about this. I really don’t think it’s about you.

You being there would change the whole vibe of their trip OP.

Can you honestly say you wouldn't expect to do "coupley" things with your partner essentially making the child a gooseberry on their annual uncle trip?

I think this trip needs to be just the 2 of them for as long as the child is into going tbh! I think you'll survive the hurt you've invented.

And what you think is totally irrelevant because you're not the uncle or the 9yo in this situation.

Make a special trip and go and see her?

And I meant exactly that, that the 9 year old considers a stranger the woman her uncle spends every day living with, who is helping raise his own kids - only because her uncle won't introduce them. Because OP is not 'family' since he was happy to invite his own kids along who are also older and effectively strangers based on the below.

The girl is 9. Her cousins/uncle's children are older teens or young adults. Now a child can only start skiiing properly at 4-5 and the only time her uncle sees her is on this ski trip. He's invited his kids but they don't go which means for the last 4-5 years she's never met her cousins. So what, the last time she met them would have been when she was a toddler? And you think she will immediately feel more comfortable with people she will have no memory of spending time with (who are clearly not bothered about bonding with her hence not going on the trip) than with than his live-in partner who actually wants to get to know her.

All because her cousins are blood relatives and OP isn't.

Ok.

This, the op just wants to meet the neice, As she is a big part of her partner's life.
I don't see anything wrong about that.

No, that's not what I said at all, but you carry on making things up if it makes you feel better 😉

If she wants to meet the child they can have facetime chats, the OP doesn't need to go on their trip.

The interesting bit is the snowboarding ! They aren’t going to be casting around for something to say to each other - the relatively small amount of relaxation time will be talking about the snow, the skiing, the almost accident they saw from the chairlift …and in between she can catch him up with the things that have happened in her life, other interests she has.

She doesn’t need a stranger babbling on about girly things or whatever she assumes might interest the child. What a very limited view of human relationships and dynamics you have.

Nobody has said they shouldn't meet - just that the OP shouldn't invite herself along for a week long skiing trip for the first meeting.

This in buckets and like it or not, you are a random woman to your p's niece.

You can’t expect a nine-year-old to play happy families for your benefit. Well, you can, but you shouldn’t.

Neither are you.

I’m quite stunned that you’re a parent and made this all about you and your needs, of course you can’t go. What on earth are you thinking.

Where did it say she ls an orphan ?

I'm not the one thinking a total stranger should get to change the status quo based on my beliefs, though, you are 😏

No, leave it for them, it is their thing. Pack a little present of treats for them both to enjoy on holiday and wish them a flipping good time.

Who said she can’t? What she can’t do is muscle in on their trip and make it all about her.

You're the one who chose to reply to my comments to OP, and obviously can't articulate themselves very well or think logically - if your meaning was apparently so spectacularly missed. Critical thinking exercises could help.

take a step back and look at how selfish you are bing!

This nine year old gets a week a year to go on a really exciting holiday with her uncle.

you think you should be allowed to go. Becuase you want to go!

you being there would completely change the experience for that little girl. She doesn’t know you. There would be a lot of adult conversations - she would be a third wheel.

take a bit of time to reflect: you aren’t coming across as a good person here