Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

This. You don't need to be part of everything he does - and vice versa. You're still individuals. But besides that, and first of all, It's about a child's comfort. Not the feelings of you as an adult.

im sure his sister would have approved

Oh you knew her then, did you?

Please accept my condolences 🙄

It is normal to want to meet her but also understandable that a holiday is too much for for first meeting.

I think it means that he is a good man who is considerate of his neice. I dont think it means you are not important. You have met his kids and live together. I expect if it wasnt for the logistics very likely you would have chance to meet her.

You sound needy and very insecure.
And a walking red flag.

There is absolutely no way to know that. And as the situation is, it's up to the uncle to make the decision.

How manipulative.

And nobody's saying OP shouldn't meet his niece - she just shouldn't invite herself along on a week long holiday with her for their first meeting 🙄

Your feelings are valid but would be more understandable if he’d completely resisted the idea of you ever going to visit her rather than said no you to invading their already established tradition.

Even if he wasn’t up for that, it’s because he’s right putting his nieces feelings first, and she has no real need to meet you any time soon. You’re still making it about your feelings rather than either of theirs.

that made me feel like he didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life

You are NOT important enough to be in this part of his life. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. He’s literally telling you this. Between pandering to his girlfriend’s need to feel like he loves her ans much and she wants him to, and his 9yo niece, he’s choosing her.

What are you struggling to understand?

Rarely has a post annoyed me so much.

I know the following is very blunt but it really just isn't landing is it!

Are you really so lacking in emotional intelligence than you cannot see what is wrong with your self obession?

Honestly, even after it being spelled out in very simple terms, you are still competiting with a 9 year old child for time and attention?

What part of "it's not about you" is not sinking in?

You're not being unreasonable to feel hurt, that's a normal human emotion, but you are being unreasonable expecting him to change something he values highly just because. You don't need to be part of every area of his life and you don't need to develop a close relationship with his niece. These are things that could still happen at some point in the future, let them be for now.

This trip is about the neice, and your boyfriend supporting the relationship he has with her at the only chance he gets to so do, once a year.

He has got his reasons, and he's entitled to not invite you if he feels for whatever reason it would be better that you weren't there. She doesn't need to meet you. He doesn't need you to meet her. There it ends.

Leave it alone.

Your insecurities are yours to deal with, you don't get to invite yourself to this party to soothe your insecurities. That's not what she's there for.

If you've got doubts about what you mean to your boyfriend and need reassurance then talk to him about it like an adult, don't insert yourself like a third wheel.

Wtf.

Why are you just making shit up?

that made me feel like he didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life.

This says it all - that it's all about you and your insecurity, nothing to do with the niece and your DP at all. You just can't handle him having something you can't be part of and that's a terrible sign for a relationship. Why can't you be happy for him to enjoy the time with his niece? Why does your 'importance' hinge on it? You actually aren't important to their relationship and that's fine. You should have enough self-worth to not need to muscle in on every part of his life.

Agreed.

It's crass to use a dead woman that no-one here even knew, to try and bolster their opinion.

For all we know, she might well be on the side of whatever's best for her daughter and her brother.

Not a girlfriend who can't seem to handle them going away together once a year.

Competing with a bereaved 9-year-old for your partner's attention is a really, really bad look, OP.

Catch yourself on.

For goodness sake! You are being totally unreasonable! You can’t suddenly impose yourself on his special trip with his niece, it’s way too much. It’s not about you. You going would completely change the dynamic and would be really unfair on his niece. Imagine being 9 and a strange woman suddenly comes one holiday with you. Just NO.

If you want to meet her go and see them off at the airport. Buy her a little something for the trip.

He sounds like a lovely guy to do this with his niece. Sounds like he could be a keeper!

Aww what a lovely partner you have 😍.
YABU. This holiday is about your 9 year old niece. She doesn't need an adult she doesn't know tagging along, it would ruin for her what is supposed to be a special trip for the two of them.

People the OP is likely to drive away with her gung-ho 'Lets all become a family unit after 5 minutes' attitude:

Her boyfriend
Her DC
His DC
His niece

And quite possibly his wider family and friends if all this neediness spreads to them too.

" you're nothing to do with her."

She's living with this man like husband and wife. Your uncle's wife is your aunt so yes, she's something to do with her.

I'm obviously the only person who finds it odd that he wants so much time alone with his niece and I also don't see why the niece would automatically prefer that. It's quite possible she'd like to have a woman around.

YABU. It would totally alter the dynamic
and this is something for the two of them to share and enjoy.

A relationship doesnt mean everything needs to include you. His niece is his family and more importantly her uncle is her uncle, you're the girlfriend trying to muscle in on her ONCE A YEAR trip. Let it go, dont push it.

Fighting for the affection of a 9 year old who's mother (his sister) is dead is low.

All you can say is I I I I I Me, me me me I I I Me me me

but it felt to me as though he didn’t want to let me meet her, that made me feel like he didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life.

Just stop.

Of course you don’t get to go. Put yourself in the niece’s position. Would you want a stranger coming along on a trip where you were looking forward to spending one on one time with a family member you barely see? Especially one they’re romantically linked too. Would be so awkward at that age and the poor girl would feel like a third wheel on her own trip.

Also, you probably won’t develop a close relationship with her if she lives far away and you need to accept that. I get you want to be part of his family but she might not be interested in you at all. You can’t force it.

I will leave this thread because it's really annoying me. Most of all I can't understand how you, as a parent, can't seem to accept that he's prioritising a young child over you.

I wondered how long it would take for someone to start implying something grim about the man's motives.

So much inappropriate projection on this thread, and not just from the OP.

I understand why he wants a 1-2-1. Leave them to it