Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

YABVU and making it all about you!

You don’t have to get to know his niece - if I was your boyfriend, this would be a red flag from you

It was an overstep to invite yourself OP, she’s 9 and her mum and his sister is dead, of course he wants 1-2-1 time with her. Give it time, 2 years isn’t long. Maybe suggest you make a trip to meet her together without intruding on a previous tradition.

Come on OP, you've only been together 2 years so that's 2 trips you've missed. When you say you are excluded from such a big part of his life, what do you mean?
It's not about you, its about an uncle connecting with his niece who lost her mother. They both lost someone important to them and its a great thing he's doing. Talk about selfish.

I suspect this is one of those posts that isn't actually about the original issue. You said you hoped moving in together would make you more of a family unit. I could be way off base but it's an odd reason to move in together.

Does he behave in other ways that make you insecure? YABU in this particular instance but it does sound like your expectations aren't being met in some way and maybe that's colouring your view here.

You don’t need to develop a close relationship with his niece. He sees her once a year. You’re not her aunt, you’re her uncle’s girlfriend of two years.

Your partner doesn’t take his own children on this trip. Why would you expect to go?

I’m afraid if I did what he did, and a new boyfriend said/thought anything other than ‘oh what a lovely thing to do, that must be so special for her’ and I came to understand that they thought they should be invited, I would end my relationship. It shows a level of selfishness/lack of self awareness that I would have no interest in.

Why would you need to? I really think you overstepped here. This is not about you.

Why are there so many threads with women protesting these kids of trips their partners make. It’s so ‘what about me?’ . You come across as quite needy.

You shouldn't have even asked tbh, you have over stepped and still feel like you are in the right.

I think it was ok to suggest (to show you are keen to meet her) but he's definitely not being unreasonable to say no.

It would completely change the dynamic of a special annual treat and shared time for the two of them. It doesn't mean he is ashamed of you, just that he doesn't want to change or dilute an experience that is working so well for them. As she gets older you may get the chance to meet her at other times. I think he's doing a really nice thing.

Of course he doesn't want you to join him.
He is thinking of his neice.
The same neice, who at a very young age, lost her mother and would propably benefit from as much consistency as possible in her life.

Are you really so self centered that you cannot recognise he is doing what is in the best interests of the child?

YABU. Butt out. It's Not. About. You.

Not about you, OP.

I've been with my partner for 4 years. His nephews and niece are adults (late teens/early 20s). I've met them once or twice. I don't have any kind of relationship with them, let alone a close one.

Why do you want a close relationship with his 9 year old niece who he sees once a year?

What makes you think she'd want or need one with you?

Huge red flag on your part, I'm afraid.

THen propose another way to meet her and get to know her. Annual special Uncle/niece ski trip due to niece's mother's death isn't it.

And DO NOT use the other way to meet her/get to know her, if that goes ahead, as an opportunity to finagle your way onto their ski trip by asking her. Do not be that person ... someone it sounds like you're already heading to be if you keep harping on this.

Obvious reverse

You dont need to develop a close relationship with his niece. He sees her once a year (which is a bit odd really, but not your (or our) business)

YABU. He wants individual time with his niece and she deserves it.

This^
I also would think carefully why you want to join them? I don’t mean it in a bad or critical way. E.g my sister once commented that she’d love to join us on a summer holiday. I said no. My DD has additional needs and our holiday is organised around her needs completely. So for my sister it would be boring waste of time. She wouldn’t get a holiday she wanted and she would be very disappointed so it would end up in quarrel and upset.
I don’t know how your partner behaves on this holiday but there is a high chance that he does 100% what his niece wants - spoiling her with activities, presents, food, attention. You coming and wanting his attention or your wishes to be considered (however small they are e.g about food or waking up time) will change the dynamic of the holiday considerably.

This.

I'm also wondering how the OP's and her BF's teenage and adult DC feel about her wanting them to be a 'family unit'?

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt, that's fine and natural.

You are unreasonable to think you're entitled to intrude on their limited time together after he explained why it's precious.

YABU. This really is one time when it is not all about you as the saying goes!

how will I ever develop a close relationship with his niece? - you don't need to. This is a part of his life that is his.

It sounds as though she has treasured this time with her uncle who stepped up to bring something special to her life. Good on him.

Leave them be. Your partner will think less of you if you do not do this with a good grace - and he will be right to.

You say you don’t think it would take away anything from his experience, not that that is up to you to decide anyway, but no mention of how it would make the niece feel to have you there.

This trip is probably very special 1-1 time for her and it is very selfish of you 1) to try and take that away from her and 2) to make it about you and your feelings when it is nothing to do with you.

Back off and let that poor child keep her trip with her uncle without interfering.

Presumably you are not joined at the hip.

Could you not use the time that he is away skiing with his niece to book yourself a trip to Los Angeles to take acting classes because you are being very dramatic...