Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

This.

Don’t force in where one isn’t wanted or needed.

Maybe do some counseling or therapy about why you feel the need to be included in everything your boyfriend does. Do you have hobbies or volunteering or anything you do on your own? It’s not healthy to invest everything into one person.

Being together just the two of them the whole time. I wouldn't want that with my relatives, particularly one I only see once a year.

@Perel Ah just seen that he used to invite his kids on the trip as well, so he just doesn't want to to invite you. If he was happy for his kids to attend who are much older, it's clearly not about wanting quality uncle-niece time/bond time as so many posters are suggesting - he just doesn't want to do this 'family' activity with you. Can guarantee if he was still married to his ex wife - she'd be invited too. And I think that answers your questions as to whether he sees you as family or not.

I would suggest maybe reconsidering going back to living separately - if 2 years is too early doors for him to see you as family, you can move in once he does. No man should get 'wife' benefits when he still maintains that level of separation between gf and wife.

So because you wouldn't like it, it can't be normal? Oookay 😂

This isn't just any member of the family though

It's a little girl who lost her mum

How do you think she would feel spending a week on her best behaviour with a complete stranger OP?

The fact that you're not putting her at the centre of this says so much about you.

Or maybe it's because his kids and the niece are cousins and OP is a total stranger.

I don't know other people who do it either. I know single people who take their nephews/nieces on holiday alone, but not partnered ones.

What difference does it make whether they have a partner or not?

OP doesn't know this girl. They have absolutely no relationship. Why should she get to muscle in on their holiday just because she's shacking up with her uncle?

I think that's exactly what you're hinting at.

How is a skiing holiday together 'too intense and not very normal'?

Would you think the same if it was his nephew?

And you've answered the question yourself as to whether he sees OP as family. According to you she's a stranger despite living with the man, and his children who are much older and have barely met the niece (given she's only 9 and the last many years, it's only been her and uncle meeting once a year) are somehow not strangers. Just because they're blood relatives? Give over.

If someone doesn't see their live-in partner as family, they shouldn't be living together simple. Sharing a mortgage or rent, the intimacy of bills and raising their joint kids together - if that isn't family, then there's no need to do any of it until he's ready to be married to OP. Because apparently only blood and a legal certificate make your partner 'not a stranger'.

That poster often has some bizarre views, I've noticed.

I voted & then was astonished to find myself in the dramatic minority, and I really cannot get my head around the opposing views. Yes they are all valid, but so is the reality that the orphan now has an Aunt, and I can't see how banning the Aunt from the niece's life is a good thing for anybody. A Good Thing would be more contact with more people in the family, and maybe introducing the Aunt to the ski trip would enable that during the rest of the year.

I would concede that the situation needs careful handling, but I also think that, for the niece, an Aunt is an asset. During the skiing if the niece chooses to ski with DH alone, then OP can ski with DH in the mornings & leave the DH & Niece to ski alone in the afternoons.

Then maybe there can be more trips than once a year.

They've only just recently moved in together and this will be the first holiday since then.

Hopefully he's not going to sit a 9 year old down and explain that because he's now 'partnered' it has to stop if she can't come along.

They are in separate places in the morning, they are on the slopes in the afternoon heading downhill, they go to dinner together. They aren’t having deep and meaningful conversations 24/7 or hanging about on sunloungers. Doing an activity together is an ideal way to maintain and develop a relationship without things being ‘intense’, as anyone with children and teenagers can attest. It adds a lightness, a purpose and a commonality to the situation.

I didn't say she was a stranger to her DP. I said that she's a total stranger to the 9yo child that she's never met.

Also, when I was growing up, I only ever saw my extended family every 2 years as they lived overseas - we certainly weren't strangers because of it 😂but I would have considered my uncle's girlfriend whom I'd never met to be a total stranger, regardless of their living situation. HTH.

An AUNT???

The OP has only just moved in with the little girl's uncle.

Do you really think made up 'family members' are this easy come/easy go?

What if they split up and a new 'aunt' arrives on the scene and then another after that?

Ridiculous this early in their relationship of just two years.

Because it might be nice for all three of them. The little girl might like having a woman around as girls sometimes do and having another person to talk to would make it a bit more interesting.

OP isn't her aunt, ffs. She's a total stranger who happens to be in a relationship with her uncle.

He doesn't bring his children so wouldn't expect it a higher priority for you to get a relationship with the niece if her cousins don't have one.

YABU and it is ridiculous after all these comments that you cannot see this.

Her mum is dead, it is one week spending time with her uncle and they have been doing it for years. It would be different if you had small children together.

Try and arrange a visit and maybe buy her a separate birthday/Christmas present from you to try and start a relationship.

But they don't know each other - would you fancy a week-long holiday with someone you've never met?

But the one thing we can be sure of is that it wouldn't be 'nice for all 3 of them', because one of those three has said no.

The OP cannot force her way into their relationship in this manner.

Female or not.

The OP ( a relatively recent girlfriend, not an Aunt) hasn’t said that she skis herself…..

If you really think I'm accusing him of being a paedophile, why would it change if it was his nephew. Paedophiles can prefer either sex or like both.

As it happens, I'm not suggesting he's a paedophile and I do think the little girl might be a bit more interested in having a woman around than the little boy, but I think a group of three is more interesting for everyone.

Most MNetters aren't happy to have someone attend their wedding for a few hours when they've never met them.

Let alone spend a whole week!