Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

Given how insecure you are, it’s probably best you don’t meet her for now

Reading between the lines this is something he appreciates doing with his niece as her late mum can’t. He possibly feels it helps him feel close to his late sister. You really do not need to be involved. As a couple you do not need to be part of everything together. Some things can be separate.

I agree with this, I don’t think you’re in the right place mentally and you need to ask yourself why you not only tried to muscle in, but also then started bleating but what about meeee.

Be honest it’s all about ingratiating yourself into his life rather than putting the interests of the child first which is what the trip is all about.

Agree with this - OP sounds very needy and insecure about her relationship

Sorry if I have missed it but who has looked after the child since her mother died 5 years ago and she is now 9 ?

If you go it ceases to be an uncle and niece trip and becomes a couple trip with niece with her potentially the odd one.

It's nice to have special traditions like that. Don't spoil it.

It’s wonderful he does this every year.

It’s up to him to invite you, rather than you asking to come. At 9, she’s still very young and it must mean a lot to them both. It’s likely a time he thinks about his sister, as well as spends time with his niece.

You shouldn’t feel excluded, as he did this before he lived with you. In a few years, his niece will be a teenager and may prefer it if you go and she brings a friend. Or may not want to go anymore.

As you say, you could stay near her in the summer and get to know her on days out.

Are you worried about whoever else is going ? Is the person who has looked after her since her mother died going with his niece. I am assuming she would not travel to meet up with your partner alone either.

Assume her dad?

You could well be right. But is that what the OP thinks ?
I think the OP finds this arrangement a bit odd.

OP hasn’t exactly covered herself in glory on this thread! Hopefully she is taking some time to reflect.

No it’s just my partner and his niece. We are from Jersey, so he flies to London, his niece’s dad takes her to airport where she meets my partner and then on the way back her dad meets them at the airport again.

I think the OP's partner is a good man, and if I were his friend, I'd probably be telling him to dump the OP.

Losing a parent is one of the most painful things you can experience, and the poor girl is only 9. OP, I suspect you think she should be over it by now, and it's high time for you to meet her. I doubt the child is over it. I doubt your partner is over it. This is a special tradition they have built in dealing with their lifelong grief, and you have no place in it.

It's one thing to want to meet the family. It's another to insert yourself into sacred traditions like these.

And TBH, if you keep being this pushy, you'll never meet her, as you're currently a giant walking red flag, and he's going to be very careful about introducing adults to her who are red flags.

I think you should take a step back, reflect on your actions and apologise to your partner. Explain that you realise how it might have come across - you just wanted to meet the important people in his life - but you understand and respect why that trip is so special. If there's ever a chance to meet her outside of that trip, you'd love to, but you understand that a little girl without her mum absolutely has to have her feelings prioritised.

And then ask if he'd like to talk about his sister - and say if he doesn't want to talk about her now, you're always there for when he does want to share any memories of someone who clearly meant the world to him. You wish you could have met her, but as that can't happen, you'd love to learn about her through his stories.

I suspect your partner will feel closer to you if you show that you, like him, are putting the needs of a motherless child before your own. And in this case that means she gets her quality time with her uncle without having to get to know a stranger. Have you any idea how important consistency is to a bereaved child?

I agree with posters too OP, this is a special week for your DP and his niece. Don’t spoil it for them.

I literally don't understand this. It doesn't mean the niece needs to be sheltered and never meet new people who are part of the family! Kids can actually be really resilient - every child responds differently. Some will have lots of empathy and thrive on meeting a new family member. I don't think OP is wrong to question DP at all .... DP could at least have asked his niece if she wants OP to join them, as OP is special to him. Normalising a family relationship is fine. OP doesn't need to be hidden away. If neice says no, then that's fine, and OP ought to respect the fact that DP isn't going to invite her, but we don't need to panda around the neice. She may have loads of fun spending time with uncle and "auntie OP". Every child is different. It's a very narrow mindset to assume that the neice will not want to see OP and will want things to stay at they are. Who knows what the neice could think...the answer is no one, because no one has asked!

But does she? No one has asked the little girl what she'd like. She may be up for meeting uncles new partner and want to spend time with her, because she particularly gravitates to spending time with women and it could be a lovely new relationship. No one knows what the neice wants in this circumstance, because none of the adults have been kind enough to ask her! Children aren't robots. Every child is unique and just because she's bereaved it doesn't mean she needs to be put in a box by her family.

All OP said was that she can’t help but feel a little hurt, as she wants to be more like a family unit and get to know this special little girl, who is so dear to her DP. She wasn't saying aibu to protest and cause an argument...I'd have said yes she is being unreasonable if that were the case. But it sounds like OP deeply cares for her DP and that love extends to his niece. Which is wonderful imo. Love is a very special thing and I wish them all well.

Every post the OP has made has shown her to be absolutely tone deaf.

It makes no odds to the 9 year old who her uncle happens to be/not be in a relationship with.

And none of this is about the 9 year old anyway, it's all about how 'hurt' the OP is at being 'left out'.

Maybe ops boyfriend wants time with his niece without having to worry about op and her wants.

Op sounds very needy/insecure about this situation, so I can see why he wouldn't be keen to have her involved.

That’s lovely. Her dad has a break and knows his daughter is having a wonderful time with his late wife’s brother.

I agree