Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

Why not make the effort to invite his niece to stay for a weekend another time during the year.
I wouldn't be intruding on the ski trip.
Maybe when you build a relationship outside of the trip.

I want to meet her and get to know her as she clearly matters so much to my partner, doesn’t everyone want to meet the people their partner loves?

What you want is kinda irrelevant here, sorry. This isn't about your big love story. Your niece isn't simply an extension of your partner for you to get to know as part of the romance in your head. His relationship with her is its own thing and you need to hear what he's saying - which you would if you truly did love him - and let them enjoy their time together. Your motivation is selfish and it's pretty unappealing.

I want to meet her and get to know her as she clearly matters so much to my partner, doesn’t everyone want to meet the people their partner loves?

Yes, but over the course of time.

Not hitting the ground running and trying to interject yourself into their private holiday.

What do your teenage/adult DC think about you wanting them to 'behave like a family unit'?

"Two's company, three's a crowd" applies here. One adult will give one child plenty of attention, two adults will talk to each other a lot and the child will have to vie for attention.

If you want to get to know the niece, maybe you and your partner could visit her when she's with her family.

There is a time and place. This trip isn't it. The girl wants to spend time with her uncle and presumably not some strange (to her) woman. It's wholly unreasonable to want to take that quality time away from a child.

It’s his time alone with his niece, which is really sweet of him, stop trying to push it, if he wanted you to be part of her life he’d arrange it.

What a lovely thing for your partner to do with his niece 😍

When she's older, able to travel independently, she can visit and you'll meet her then. I couldn't wait for mine to be old enough to get the train!

Yabu. It’s his quality time with her.

You sound very clingy and lacking in any kind of awareness.

This is not about you.

Exactly. If it was a day out, then fair enough, but not a week long holiday. OP needs to read the room.

I don't think it's about the nature of AIBU, I think it's about you.

You being blind to the fact that this 9 year old girl has lost her mother, the OP's boyfriend has lost his sister, and they want to spend private family time together without his girlfriend who the child has never even met, muscling in on their yearly holiday.

It's not 'kind and compassionate', it's controlling and a case of FOMO.

Come on, if it was all about you just wanting to meet her then the very obvious suggestion of you both going to visit her where she lives would have occurred to you by now.

Ask yourself why you really want to go on this trip. Is it genuinely out of love for her, is it because you don’t like your partner having something important that you are not a part of, or is it something else entirely?

A PPs point about his own children not even being invited on this trip with their cousin is very valid. Whats your relationship like with them?

I don’t think feeling hurt about someone spending time once a year with an orphaned child is fine and natural.
He’s probably still grieving his sister and it’s a bond you’ll never have. You imposing yourself would change the dynamic entirely.

You feel what it you feel and that is valid.
But sometimes we have feelings that are unproductive and unhelpful.
Own your feelings, but do not let them intrude on your relationship with your partner.

Be patient. Leave this be.

You'll meet her in the future, it's still early, she is not local. This way she gets to hear all about you, sign the Christmas/birthday cards.

I have a good relationship with his children. They don’t go on the trip as they hate the cold, he told me used to invite them but they never wanted to go so he didn’t force it and none of them resent their cousin getting quality time with him. I don’t resent it either I just want to meet her as she is important to him and I’m probably being over sensitive but it felt to me as though he didn’t want to let me meet her, that made me feel like he didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life.

You’re making something that isn’t about you into something about you.

No, he just doesn't want you muscling in on their only week together as uncle/niece.

If you really want to meet her, why not suggest going down for the weekend and taking her out for lunch?

It's not his life, its her life.

Her mum died when she was really young, her family are making sure she still has that connection to her.

It's the square root of fuck all to do with you, your relationship, or your feelings.

Maybe speak to him on FaceTime while they’re away and you can get ‘meet’ them the ice is broken.

I do think the trip should remain just them

Don't go into a competition for affection against a 9 year old. Especially one who has lost her mother.

....didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life.

This is the crux of the matter. It is your insecurity, not what is best for them. We all have our insecurities but we have to recognise them and deal with them. He is not dismissing you as unimportant. He is continuing a kindness to someone else.

He can have more than one important person in his life.

This again is seeing it in terms of your own wants and needs OP. This child doesn't need you involved in the trip - in fact you'll no doubt detract from the one to one attention she gets from her Uncle.
Look how many times you've used the word I above - with the whole post being about how you're feeling with zero insight into the needs of the little girl.

If you're going to be involved with a partner's children then you need to be prepared to let them be the priority. I'm not sure from your posts that you understand that?

I don’t resent it either I just want to meet her as she is important to him and I’m probably being over sensitive but it felt to me as though he didn’t want to let me meet her, that made me feel like he didn’t think I was important enough to be allowed into that part of his life.

The more you post, the more you're coming across as a giant red flag.

Not only are you trying to rush this through with your boyfriend and his niece, but you're also trying to force 'behaving like a family unit'.

Just calm down and let everyone be.

Your relationship might be important to you, but you seem to be expecting it to be important to other family members too.

I have to say i disagree with the majority, you're part of his life now and he should widen the circle, im sure his sister would have approved