Partner doesn’t want me to join him on trip with his niece

[Perel]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we both have children from our previous marriages but they are well into their teens/young adulthood now. This year we moved in together and I was hoping that would mean we behaved much more like a family unit.
My partner’s sister passed away several years ago, she had one child who is now 9, my partner started a tradition where he takes his niece skiing/snowboarding in February half term. He seems to really enjoy the trip, his niece goes to a snowboarding school for a few hours in the morning while he has some time on the slopes himself then in the afternoon they spend time together on the slopes, before going for dinner.
I asked if I could join this year, I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece but I’d like to get to know her better. He seemed totally against this. He said this is the only time in the year he sees his niece (we live very far from her) and he thinks it is best as 1-2-1 time. I can’t help but feel a little hurt though as I’ve never actually met her and feel I’m being excluded from a big part of his life.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

Can you not suggest making a different time to meet her, one where she can meet you for a shorter time, not spend a whole holiday with a woman she doesn't know. Maybe have a weekend away together near where she lives so you can just meet for the day or something? Your DP isn't unreasonable in not wanting to change their usual trip, but some flexibility would be nice so you can meet her at some point.

You will meet her in the fullness of time. Just be patient. Gatecrashing their special time together is fundamentally wrong.

I don’t think it would take anything away from his experience with his niece

But what about her experience with him? A woman she’s never met coming along to the only time she spends with her late mother’s brother?

Maybe suggest you both go and stay near where she lives for a weekend or something so that you can both take her out for a meal. A week long trip is a big thing to do as a first meeting

🤣🤣🤣🤣

She's 9... you are an adult woman who is a stranger to her. You wouldn't add anything to her holiday experience and would likely detract from the experience/ time with her uncle. You might want to develop a close relationship with her (unclear why this is?) but that is all about your feelings. Be the adult and put her needs and feelings above yours in this situation.

YABVVU. This is uncle and niece time. Two years is nothing in a relationship. Don’t push it!

Why don’t you suggest a long weekend near where the niece lives as a different trip? Take her bowling and the cinema then she should stay at her own home so there’s no awkwardness.

His reasons are completely valid for not wanting you to go and he sounds a special uncle.

You're trying to push your way into something he does for his niece who's lost her mom. This is the only time he gets to see her.

It has nothing to do with you. Back off.

Your expectations that you're now some big family unit are unreasonable when it comes to him. You probably will never develop a close relationship with his niece that he sees once a year, especially when you try to horn in on the trip they take together.

you don’t need to develop a close relationship with her, it’s their time together.

Then you should make an effort to meet her outside of their ski trip. Offer to have her come stay with you both, one week every summer. Start a new tradition - more time with her Uncle and she gets time to start building a relationship with you.

I voted yanbu to feel hurt. I think it's fine to feel hurt. You care for your dp and you care about what matters to him - and I think that's lovely.

I think you do have to respect his boundaries, but I definitely don't think yabu ❤️ it's lovely that you care so much to want to see his niece and be a family together. Perhaps once they get back from their trip, you can suggest meeting up together the 3 of you for something unique e.g. a theatre show and dinner, or his niece come and stay with you for a weekend. Something that is lovely, special time.

He sounds like a lovely man and he is 100% correct. There’s no reason for you to be there and it’s lovely he wants to prioritise her for 1 week out of 52.

Okay thank you everyone.

He only sees her once a year as she lives a flight away. He can’t have her for another week over summer as she spends some with each set of grandparents and the rest with her dad, my partner isn’t close to his parents so doesn’t see her then.
Her dad is very keen to spend as much of her school holidays with her as possible understandably, but I suppose we could go stay near by for a weekend and take her out for the day.

I want to meet her and get to know her as she clearly matters so much to my partner, doesn’t everyone want to meet the people their partner loves?

You may not meet here, his reasons for not bringing you on the trip are valid. Perhaps in time things will be different but be led by your partner.

Do you ski yourself OP ? If so, go off that week skiing by yourself NOT anywhere near their resort. Or choose another week that isn’t in the cripplingly expensive Feb half term.

if you don’t ski, then just what were you planning to do when they were off skiing/boarding ? Hanging about waiting for them to meet you for lunch ( they might have been planning somewhere miles away, not particularly easy on foot) then lurking again until they return for showers, supper and probably an early night. I twisted my knee once towards the end of a week - too painful to ski, drat, but not bad enough to go home earlier than my charter flight. There’s not a lot to do, especially if it’s not your interest, and sitting up on a terrace restaurant with a coffee looking out over the beautiful mountains is only lovely in perfect weather. I do know non skiing partners who go with the family of children but that’s a different dynamic

You don’t need to develop a close relationship with her.

You should be proud you have a man who cares enough about his niece that he takes her on a trip once a year.

Not whinge about it.

You sound very insecure.

He see’s her once a year and has the quality time just with her, I don’t really see a scenario for a long long time that you would ever meet her. It’s just for 1 week, he is absolutely right to focus only on her and have their holiday together. Again, as everybody has said YABU and I hope you can see that now with all the comments.

Her mother died when she was small. It's not about you.

I only spent one holiday a year with my cousins and we are very close

My goodness woman, do you not see all the posts saying it’s not about you??

Can you not see that your boyfriend is putting the 9yo girl first? She doesn’t need to meet you. She doesn’t need to know you. She doesn’t need a close relationship with you. She needs her mum’s brother, she needs stability and she needs her family: you are none of these things. You are her uncle’s girlfriend. She may not even know you exist. She’s 9yo fgs.

Just drop it. You’re wanting thing relationship to move along much faster than your boyfriend is. You’re seeing something that he doesn’t. Maybe use the time he’s away to look around and take an objective view of your relationship.

I don't think yabu op. It's kind and compassionate to want to get to know the special people in your dps life. I'm a bit shocked as to how so many people feel you should butt out!! But that is the nature of aibu.

But it's not about you. It's about a 9yo child who lost her mum and is spending some quality time with her uncle.

You don't need to be there. You don't need to get to know her. You're not her aunt or a close relation - you're her uncle's girlfriend of two years. That's it.

They've only been together for two years and this little girl has lost her mum - she doesn't need to meet her uncle's girlfriend

‘Doesn’t everyone want to meet the people your partner loves.’

wow. Even after everyone has explained it to you, some very slowly, some not so subtle; you still don’t get it at all. You’ve jumped to the defensiveness and been unable to process or consider what everyone has said.

if I was your boyfriends friend, I would be urging him to run far and fast.

but for you, you need to keep rereading the responses until you get it.