Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

YABU. Nana gets to say how Nana wants to be known. End of.

Sorry I do think you're being unreasonable! You can't reasonably expect your mother in law to step around a name someone else would have been called, if they were here, which they sadly aren't.

Also as someone who does experience 'triggering' due to a very traumatic childhood, I really really wish people wouldn't use the term this loosely. Its turned the whole concept into a joke in society at large.

I wouldn’t want to risk upsetting my MIL over this if we otherwise had a good relationship.

I think labels for grandparents develop naturally over time. We thought my mum would be known by Grandma but she’s more Gran or Granny now.

You are not being unreasonable. Just tell her what you said here or ask your DH to.

I’m so sorry but I do think it’s fine to have two Nanas x

I think you should talk to her.

The 2 approaches to take would be to explain how hard you find it - although, as your child gets older and has school friends, you will encounter 'Nana' being used bt others.
The other approach would be to say how you see her as Nanny because you see her called Nanny by DN and it would be lovely, not to mention less confusing, for your DD to do the same.

If you have a good relationship and she is a nice person, then just talk to her about how you feel. Or show her what you have written.

I mean, if she was desperate to be Nana that would be one thing, but it sounds like she is fine with Nanny and has no idea she is upsetting you. Since you say she is lovely, she would probably much rather not upset you if only she knew

YABU. How are you ever going to get over your ‘trigger’ if you keep avoiding it?

My DS has 2 nanny’s and 3 Grandpas. We just refer to them as grandpa who lives at number 8, grandpa with Murphy (the dog). There’s plenty of ways to tell them apart. My dad wanted to be grandad but DS kept calling him grandpa and it just stuck. Lots of people call their grandparents the same name.
I know it must hurt not having your mum around, but I think yabu.

YANBU I’m sorry you haven’t got your Mum to share this role. Surely any decent person would be reasonable given this explanation? It’s perfectly understandable.

YABU. You are punishing your MIL for your mum sadly not being here anymore.

Having two Nana's is fine. There are millions of Nana's around. Grandparents choose what they want to be called, not the parents (surely).

Because of divorce, my children had 3 Nannas!
It was almost organic in the way they just became 'Nanna Lizzie, Nanna Freda and Nanna Maggie' , gave them all their own identity as well.
I am a gran. Not sharing that with no one🤣

Well I bent over backwards to accommodate the wishes of my lovely DIL. Her preference wasn’t my first choice but I’m fine with it.

@maria1997 just ask her if she’d indulge you and be Nanny because Nana reminds you of your mum and it’s upsetting. The whole family is used to calling her Nanny by now so it shouldn’t be a biggy.

Congratulations on your baby.

I'd mention it. If it were me I'd understand. We Grandmothers can't be too precious if we go for Nanny or Nana, as whichever we start as, we tend to end up as Nan before long anyway. Maybe your DH could have a quiet word if you feel uncomfortable.

I think once you just accept it and go with it you won’t find it as weird as you think you will. It’s like knowing more than one Lisa or whatever, the one you are close to will always be your special Lisa but the others are Lisa too and that’s fine. I think for the sake of your relationships with everyone you really need to swallow this and not say anything.

I'd just talk to her. X, would you mind if we had the baby call you nanny like Y does? It's just that my mum was always nana and it still feels so raw after losing her, to hear the kids say nana and her not be the one to reply.

If she is old enough to be a ban, she has lost her mother too. I'm willing to bet she'll understand.

I would speak to her. If she's already known as nanny by another grandchild it's weird to choose a different name. My mum picked grandma when the first grandchild was born and stuck with it for the,rest. Same with mil who was already nanny to others before mine were born. Surely it's confusing at family gatherings otherwise?

If she's generally a nice person she'll understand the thing with your mum.

Maybe she didn’t want to be called nanny, but was given that name by the parents. She should be able to choose.

I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I had three sets of grandparents (long story): two were Nanny and one was Grandma. All differentiated by surnames (Nanny Smith, Nanny Jones, Grandma Brown).

These days you'd probably use first names. That's what my brothers' children do with their two nannies: Nanny Liz and Nanny Joan.

Sorry, OP. Your grief about your mum is clouding your thinking. Imagine how your MIL would feel if you said to her 'This is what I want you to be called'. My DD called my MIL 'nannan'. I called my granny 'granny' and didn't much like 'nannan' but what was most important to me was that the two of them built a relationship.

If your Mil is close to you and cares for you (which it sounds like she does based on your good opinion of her) then absolutely tell her - she’s already used to nanny anyway.

Im so sorry for your loss I’m sure it’s extra hard now being a mum yourself and not seeing your mum be here anymore for your child, big hugs to you xx

Perfect.

And say it in person, not over text.