Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

Since when does every grandparent have a different name? Both sets are nan/nanny and grandad 🫤

So she has two names Nana and Nanny??

No she doesn’t. If my MIL had called herself Gran I would have stopped that straightaway. If my DM had lived to see her DGC she would have been Gran.

There are sensitivities in this situation and MIL should be aware of them and respond sensibly. There is no need for her to call herself Nana when her other DGC don’t call her that.

Growing up I had four Nanas (as great Nanas were just called Nana X) and now my children have four (same applies) as well as two with some other random names. It’s fine to have multiple Nanas/grandmas in the family.

I think you are emotional - understandably so - but this is really normal, if you mum was alive. I hope you’re ok 💐

Both of my Nanas were Nana plus surname

I really don’t think she is. MIL is called Nanny by her other grandchild …

Let her choose how she wants to be called. And if it's so triggering, maybe use it as a way of coming to terms with your loss. Your mother will always be in your heart. After all you didn't call her nana did you?

But the thing is we don’t know whether the circumstances are extreme or unexpected, so better to not assume 👍

It's up to get as she will be the one answering to it. I was asked what I wanted to be called and I said either my name or Gran. I was overruled and the child was taught to call me Nanny which I deeply dislike and still find mildly irritating 10 years later

I feel a bit differently to some in that it’s her name and how she wishes to be addressed by her grandchildren so I would stay out of it. There are only so many ways to refer to a grandmother, I don’t think it works to be precious about one in particular when the choice is so limited. It would be similar to saying you were triggered by the word dad.

But that’s like saying your MIL can’t be known as ‘mum’ because that’s what you called your mum. It’s far too common a term to try to take ownership of.

If she was already nana I don’t think I would have found it as much as an issue as I am as that’s what she was always called. But since she has been nanny for 10 years to her other grandchild I suppose I don’t understand the rationale for changing it for a different grandchild?

I won’t reply to every answer but I can see that lots of people are saying it’s common to have 2 nana’s, grandma’s etc. As somebody who grew up with no ‘grandmothers’ and who has just had their first child I don’t know the ‘protocols’ with names, hence the question.

My children had two grandmas and two granddad's. They ended up being called granddad George, grandad Phil. Grandma Liz. Grandma sylvia. I think you are over reacting but that's perfectly understandable because you have lost your lovely mum.

My kids have 2 nan’s and a great nan. They call all 3 of them nanny. When talking about them the will say nanny x or nanny y! I don’t remember this being a conversation my kids just started using the word naturally and also the older one has grown up he’s changed to Nan, the same as he’s changed mummy to mum! It’s just all natural language development nothing set In stone or a big conversation about it

It’s odd that she’s trying to rebrand herself and it might get confusing having cousins calling her two different things at family gatherings. Do you know why she’s so set on changing? Has she always secretly hated being Nanny? In DH’s family they always added the surname to differentiate eg. grandpa Jones but in my family we had different grandparent names. I preferred that, and as my mum was already Nana I didn’t want MIL to also be Nana, however I didn’t want to upset anyone by forcing it. We managed to come up with a new unique grandparent name that MIL loved so even though IWBU I got my way.

Rubbish

We've actually always had different names for various grandparents.

Over the years we've had a Grancha, a Bampa, a Grampa, a Grandad and a Dadcu. A Nanna, Nain, Granny and Mamgu. And as names needed to be created, everyone kind of tried to stay unique. MIL for instance asked my mum what she preferred when ds1 was born then made sure to choose something different.

Presumable you find the name ‘mum’ triggering too?

Personally I think YABU. You didn’t call your mum nana and it’s your first child so I don’t understand the link.

However I know how hard it is to lose a parent and I feel really sorry for you there but don’t conflate the issues no matter how hard it is.

Until you said why I was going to say get them to call both nana but your mum would be nana your surname and his mum nana his surname but yes I get it. Say it to both, she might secretly not be thrilled but you’ve a good reason x

I think, given your huge loss and the feelings it evokes in you, you aren’t being unreasonable. Especially given that the grandmother has no objection to being ‘nanny’ to her other grandchildren. I know if I was her I’d totally understand and would actually have checked your feelings about my preference ahead if I knew you were bereaved. She gets to see and spend time with her grandchild and your mum doesn’t, which is heartbreaking for you. I think her preference about a name is secondary to that.

The lack of empathy and compassion on display in this thread is really sad. Even if you disagree, you can express it without calling a bereaved new mother ‘ridiculous’ and using some of the other harsh language on display here.

Just always refer to her as nanny… problem solved

Could she be Nana with her name: Nana Joan or Nana Patricia?
My gd has two Nanas but we both have our first name included. Might help not to associate with your dear Mom. Also when you talk to your baby as they grow and show her pictures she could use your Mom's name too.

Who chose the name Nanny?

Did MIL want to be Nana but the other grandma was using it?

I wouldn’t say anything directly but would maybe ask why she wants a different name. YANBU to feel the way you do.

Talk to her, explain it the way you have here. If she is a decent person (unlike some PPs) she will understand and just go with Nanny.
You have good personal reasons for not wanting her to be Nanna, as MIL is Nanny to someone else, it sounds like it's just a preference.

YANBU

Honestly I'd just explain it as you have here. Tell her you'd really appreciate her remains Nanny.

im sorry about your Mum xx