Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

I think she would understand OP. I think you are are ok to ask. Sorry about your mum it must be hard with a newborn.

Where did she say she was trying to get over it? I don’t think the loss of her mum and the association with mum being called Nana is something she could get over

I just always ferried to my mil as ‘grandma X’ to my kids. It so happens that’s what I called my own mother too ‘grandma Y’. My mil never expresses a preference to what she was called but did sign her cards to them as gran I think.
If it’s that important just say so. Say it’s what your mum was always called and why not stick to nanny? Frankly your kid will call what they want, it may be grannie, nana, ganga whatever.

Both grandmothers are Granny here. Dhs step mum is granny as is my mum, dh never really knew his mum as she passed when he was young.
what would you have done if his mum had also been Nana? Refused to allow that name?

I think you should talk to her. If nana was special to your mum and the grief is still raw, im sure she could be kind and respect your wishes x sorry for your loss and congratulations on your baby x

You should have asked her why, she might not have chosen to be Nanny. Then just said that it would be best to be called the same by all her grandchildren. If that doesn't sway her, then mention being triggered by having to say it.

I’d do this too. If you have an otherwise good relationship, I can’t see why this would cause any issues.
My MIL wanted to be Nana but I just called her Nanny around my kids and now they call her Nanny too. Reasons are a bit outing but not dissimilar to you.

Just refer to her as Nanny. If she corrects you point out she is Nanny to <insert other dc's name >.. Look puzzled..

Nope.

My dm wanted to be called something completely random, I said no. They dont call her anything at all.

More to the point the child might have other ideas.

My MIL suggested DS might want to call her something other than grandma as he called my mum grandma. He wasn't having any of it. Both are called grandma.

I called my grandma by a made up word after I had difficulty saying grandma as a toddler and that stuck for the rest of her life after my younger DSis also picked it up.

In our family there were 3 nanas. When they were young we would be referred to as Nana Rose/Nana June/Nana bev.
Now we are sadly just 2 nanas but same applies.
However from your explanation I would speak to your MIL and explain. Pretty sure she would understand.
Sorry for the loss of your mum.

What would you have done if your mum was still with you and they both wanted to be nana? I know that in our family it would have been “Nana Smith” and “Nanna Jones”, or “Yorkshire Nana” and “Scottish Nana”. Or similar. (Surnames and birthplaces changed 🤣).

Do that. Then when you talk about your mum to your daughter in future she’s still Nana, just with a descriptor that suits her.

When I was born, both my grandmothers and two of my great grandmothers were alive. They are all Nana, as are the two great grandmothers I never met. It's pretty normal for all grandmothers to have the same title if it's regional to them. All my cousins' other grandmothers were called Nana by them too.

I'd be very sad not to be able to have that title for any grandchildren I may have.

My kids have never called their nana Nan. Thank goodness

This. You probably don't realise you are even doing it. It's not your MiL's fault your Mum has died. I think if your Mum was still alive you wouldn't be so precious about it. Lots of Grandmas are called Nana. I think it's up to your MiL what she wants to be referred to as. Just let your MiL build a good relationship with your DC and don't try to jeopardise it because your own Mum died.

Nan, nana, nanny to me are all pretty much the same thing. You can steer your child towards nanny or nan but you can't stop Mil signing cards etc from Nana if she wants to call herself that.

Sorry kindly you have to let this go and have 2 nanas

My nieces and nephews have 2 grandma's

And i say this as someone whose children have a grandma (my mum) and my dh mum called something I dislike with passion but never have voiced it as its unreasonable and my own personal bias and mine alone to deal with.

Agreed. MIL’s request is entirely normal.

Who decided she would be called Nanny? It sounds old fashioned.

Of course a person can desensitise themselves to their triggers. A parent dying (without extreme circumstance surrounding it) is sad but not unexpected, it’s very unhealthy to hold on to the emotions the OP is doing.

You need to work through your grief as it is completely unreasonable to try and persuade your mother in law to not be called Nana.

With respect, you do not know the circumstances surrounding my mums death, how traumatic it was and why I would find reminders of her and reminders of her death ‘triggering’. Couple that with postpartum hormones, I feel I am allowed to describe it as ‘triggering’ for me. I am sorry that you had a traumatic childhood, but I don’t see how commenting the second part of your reply was helpful.

I appreciate you sharing your opinion in the first part.

She might hate Nanny and is using this opportunity to change it.
I'm sorry about your mum, it is tough navigating all the things that won't happen.

She gets to name herself. She wants to be nana, that is not up to you to decide she can't be.

My mil is Dutch and said she wants to be Oma. Not in a million years would I say "sorry love, its grandmama!"

Having a newborn has probably brought memories of your mother flooding back, so you are probably feeling very sensitive at present. If you have a great relationship with your MIL, I think you should have a conversation with her about this - that way she can understand truly where you are coming from, and know that it is not in any way a negative thing about her. Maybe the two of you can come up with a mutually agreeable solution? But please talk to her, so that there are no crossed wires.

I think that’s a bit unkind, coming from someone with diagnosed PTSD myself. She’s talking about the death and loss of her mum, not something trivial or silly. Potentially the most traumatic thing she has gone through.