Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

OP only you know your MIL- is she likely to get very offended? if so, I'd just call her nanny and pretend you forgot if she raises it. If however she may be open to a conversation, confide in her how much you're missing your mum and ask would she mind being nanny for now as nana is what your niece called your own mum. Sorry for your loss 💐it's a very difficult time for you as well as the nice part of being a new mum.

YABU.

You can have two nanas in a family. Something like Nana Smith and Nana Jones.

You could ask her if it might be good for the cousins to call her the same thing. But if she doesn't like nanny maybe she'd rather not.

Teach your children to pronounce 'nana' like 'banana'. Maybe she won't be so keen then. 😂

I think your DH needs to have a conversation with his mum about this. He can do it with less emotion.

’Hey Mum, we thought you would be Nanny as that’s what DNephew has always called you. OP’s mum was always called Nana by DNiece so it’s difficult for OP with her mum not being here to meet the baby. If you really want to be Nana instead of Nanny then you will be Nana Liz & OP’s mum will be referred to as Nana Sue. I just wanted to have this chat with you because OP is building it up to a big thing in her head. It’s so difficult for her, she really missing her mum at the moment, but doesn’t want to upset you.’

If you don’t trust DH to handle this then text MIL a variation of the above.

Under the circumstances, I think ‘mildly irritating’ would be more bearable for the grandmother than what the OP is experiencing, given that it relates to the death of her mother.

Personally, I think YABU. However, this seems to really be bothering you so a grown up conversation seems to be the order of the day. Or, if you want to wimp out…how about a present/card from your baby saying ‘can’t wait to have fun with my nanny’ Maybe she’ll take the hint.

Just ask her gently. Maybe she doesn't like being called nanny by her other gc so is trying to getting his gc started on a name she likes better. Maybe you could together come up with something you are both ok with..

Hardly none of OP's business as if OPp doesn't "model" calling her MIL nana when talking to her baby, that's not what the baby will call her grandmother, especially as the other grandchild calls her Nanny...

Something can't be none of your business if the focus is your infant and you are being asked to actively implement whatever the "none of your business" thing is...

However as MIL is lovely she will surely understand when OP or MIL's son explains.

Yabvu

What’s wrong with the following for example?

Nana Sue
Nana Louise

Obviously using their real names.

On reflection I agree

Blimey, I can’t believe how harsh some people are being here. The OP is dealing with a huge loss in her life, but is not being a dick about things. She seems sensitive to how her grief could be affecting things and definitely doesn’t come across as being demanding in any way.

@maria1997 you say you have a good relationship with your MIL, which is great. I know often, on here, the advice with MIL “issues” is that it should be your DH that deals with them. In this instance, I’d suggest an open conversation with you and your MIL. Be honest, tell her how you feel and that you are so conflicted because you don’t want to upset her.

Losing your mum is hard, it can completely change your position in the world. YANBU to feel this way at all.

I think YABU, its the name that she will be called so she should be to the one to choose it.

I still think you're BU though. In the gentlest way possible, you can't expect the world to fit round you and your grief in this way. You can't ban a common normal word because you personally associate it with your mother. My guess is that you're struggling to accept that your MIL is the only grandmother your DC will experience. You'll still struggle with that whatever she's called. I'd work through that, the real issue, rather than BU and putting a strain on your relationship with her
If you don't work through it and accept it, it will just come up in countless ways and possibly harm a relationship (that between your DC and their Granny) which is very important and isn't - putting it gently- about you.

YANBU. You just need to speak up for yourself. It needn’t be a big deal.
Congrats on your baby!

Op yes you can 100 % demand this very very small concession from your mil

It's just a label for her whilst for you it has much deeper upsetting connotations and everyone with an ounce of empathy and sensitivity would do this for you. ..

I certainly wouldn't insist on a variation of a name of which there are endless ones if I knew it was deeply upsetting the mum .

I would just explain to her, hopefully she'll understand. Alternatively what about her being called. Nana Jane (replace with whatever her name is) rather than just Nana?

@UsernameMcUsername

Putting it gently ,if mil.keeps pushing this once op has explained then it's on mil not op becsuee it would show bloody minded cruelty from mil.

This is always stated as though it's a self evident truth on threads about what to call grandparents, but in reality there are far more situations in which individuals names or titles are chosen for them by the people who will be using the name/ title, than there are situations in which choosing your own name is usual.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

You’re grieving.

I would talk to your MIL about your feelings honestly and without blaming her, and I’m sure she’ll understand.

If she was already a nana to the 10 year old, or if this was the first grandchild I'd (kindly) say you were unreasonable. But as she's already a nanny I think it's a bit odd to change it up between grandchildren.