Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

I think it’s weird for her to be known by different names for different grandchildren.

’Mum’ is pretty much a universal term though. Also, this is about the fact her mum never got to become a grandmother and have a relationship with her grandchild. Given that the grandmother is already ‘nanny’ to other grandchildren and has the privilege of meeting her grandchild where her mum never will, I think it’s ok for her feelings to not be the focus. I also think it’s ok to try and alleviate some of the pain of a bereaved new mum rather than it being an opportunity for her to develop ‘resilience’.

I've never had to, so it's unlikely anyway. No need to feel ashamed just yet.

As someone who lost their mum too, I totally get it. I would just explain really nicely to her. Tell her it’s hard for you. If she’s as lovely as you say she’ll understand. Maybe preface it with some positive stuff. If it were me and my DIL I would completely understand.

im genuinely staggered. She’s a new mum with a month old baby who’s clearly devastated her mum isn’t here to be her baby’s Nana - she’s not being unreasonable. Shes grieving.

why do people feel the need to be so triggering

To clear this up as I have seen this a lot - she was not asked to be ‘Nanny’ by the other parents and there isn’t another grandmother for her other grandchild. Nanny was just what she was called from the day the other grandchild was born. There has never been any mention in the whole 10 years that she does not like being called ‘nanny’ or wished that she was called something else. This is why I am finding this change confusing.

Drop the “oxy”… @RachelFanshawe’s post is just plain moronic

If your mum was alive, it would be totally fine for both to be nana.

In this case and with respect to your relatively recent loss, it's not unreasonable to ask whether she would mind being Nany, explaining that the word Nana is in your mind associated with your mum thanks to your niece calling her like that, and you need a bit more time in this matter.

I suppose if it slips over the time and your child starts to call her Nana (under some random influence), you won't mind that much, but it's not unreasonable to ask to not start that way.

@Hollerationinthedancerieeee staggering that you have to spell out common sense.

Well written and well put though
.

it isn’t your place to police other people’s experiences of trauma and decide whether or not the OP becomes triggered following the death of her mother

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. If it helps, I have a thought to add, as I’m a little further on from where you are. I lost my dad before the birth of my second child. Both sets of grandparents have the same “Nana/Grandad” names and so we created our own way to differentiate between them - basically extending their names like Grandad-A / Grandad-B.

Five years on, having the same name has meant that my dad is always in mind. When we’re talking about Grandad-A, my kids will ask me about Grandad-B because they’re curious. We’ll look back at photos and I can tell them all about him. It’s a lovely way to keep him part of our little family. I don't know if that would happen as much if it was, for example, Pappa and Grandad. Same personalised name is easier for them to grasp. Same but different. If you see what I mean?

Huge congratulations on your baby xx

It's a tough situation. I lost my mother when my son was one and it is very hard having him grow up not remembering her. I think it should probably be left for the child to decide what to call the grandparents. My son calls my dad by his first name and doesn't like me talking about my mum at all. He's calls his other grandparents Mrs nana and Mr grandad.

Grief isn’t as neat and tidy as that though, is it?

my own example of that would be that I can be handed a card and flowers on Mother’s Day by my own child without a second thought, but I know from past years that I absolutely cannot set foot in a supermarket the day before Mother’s Day as the sight of seeing countless amounts of people buying cards and flowers for their own mum breaks my heart.

’Nana’ probably feels sharp as a razor blade to her because her own mother isn’t here to be called it by her first child.

I don’t think OP explaining that to her MIL should be a problem.

I would explain to her that when you have been chatting to your first born about you, you have been Nanny and when you have been chatting to your first born about your own mother she has been Nana, because of what has been set as a precedent in the past.

The past is the past, but when you lose your mother before your children are born, you talk to a photo or a personal possession that was your Mums. You realise when pregnant how your life is going to change and it’s frightening, and you hope and pray karma isn’t to much of a bitch!

My mother in law changed so much for the better with me when my father in law pointed out what a beautiful meal I’d prepared for all my in laws.

Your Mum is your mum, if you had a good relationship with her, you do find yourself chatting to her even if she has been dead over 50years.

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that MIL already has a grandmother name - Nanny. Why does she want two? She wants to take the one that was already the OP's DM who has sadly died. The MIL needs to have this explained to her nicely, but stick to her original name - Nanny.

I wouldn't expect to have two different grandmother names.

You are being unreasonable.

Hi, we're getting a few reports about this thread and just wanted to stop by to remind everyone that the OP's a new mum who's missing her own mum.

She's come here for advice and support, so please respond with empathy and care. Disagreeing is absolutely fine, but please be mindful of the OP's situation.

OP, congratulations on your new baby

Well, my MIL wanted to be Granny, but her eldest child vetoed it and said "no, you're going to be Nanny".... So maybe OPs MIL had a similar situation?

im shocked at the callousness of some of these replies. What on earth makes you think that OP is using the term "triggering" loosely? Have you lost your mother? It can be one of life's most terrible traumas and of course something like this could be triggering.

OP I think you should just explain to your MIL that "nanna" reminds you of your mum and it hurts, so would she mind being nanny. I bet she can understand xxx

No, I am a grandmother who discussed with my children and their OHs what the grandchildren would call me and so did my grandchildren’s other grandmothers.
It is quite common to discuss this.
OP, tell your MIL why you don’t want her to be called Nana. I am sure she will understand. It is also nice for all her grandchildren to call her by the same name.

But since she has been nanny for 10 years to her other grandchild I suppose I don’t understand the rationale for changing it for a different grandchild?

Maybe she secretly hated it and sees the birth of your child as an opportunity to start a new tradition?

My mum was known by a contraction of her name all her life (which she hated) but when we moved to a new country when she was in her 40s, she decided to tell all new people she met that her name was FullVersionOfName and was known by that thereafter.

Really? How absolutely horrible. As someone whose lost my mum is have no issue saying to mil 'my mum was nanny so can you be granny's luckily it never arise as she wanted to be granny anyway but I'm 100% sure however u reasonable my mil. Can sometimes be shed have understood this

When your baby hears their cousins calling MIL nanny they’ll copy. If she insists on nana you could call her nana surname or when talking to your child call her nanny. I’m sure MIL won’t notice as she’s used to being called nanny

I get you are sad OP - but in reality how another person wishes to be referred to is none of your business.

Are you not overthinking it

My nan. Was nana, nan, nanny - she answered to all of them