Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

What a nasty post but no, there is no way your daughter will be coming to you with such a ‘predicament’ given that her mother is dead…

In the future your child might call her something else.
I started out as Nana, then Nan and now I'm known as WINDA'.
Don't let this drive a wedge between you and your mil.
Speak to her face to face and explain your feelings.

I think some of these comments are a bit rough.

Lots of love to you OP on the birth of your newborn, many congratulations. I'm sending condolences as well about the loss of your Mum. 💐For many reasons, of course it may be triggering.

Do you think it is something you could talk to your DH or MIL about? I would hope she could be understanding.

I can understand your sensitivity, @maria1997 . But I really don't think this is your choice. It's down to MIL and the baby (who might come up with his/her own version of whatever name as they begin to speak). It's best to give MIL's and baby's relationship as much space as possible to develop on their own terms, rather than trying to set parameters about something like this.

As time goes by, the word will become less sensitive. It will conjure up lots of new and lovely associations that soften the sting of sad memories.

Many, many people have bereavements that make certain names poignant for them. But those names carry on being applied to other people. Presumably you are 'mum', as your own mum was? The world goes on. That is upsetting but also has the potential to be a source of comfort and resilience.

I would go and have a cup of tea and explain it all. Hopefully (and especially as she is known as nanny to another gc) she will volunteer to be called nanny instead. I definitely would change if my DIL had a similar experience and reason.

Ignore the nasty posts OP. The misserable old bullies will be on the wine and their true colours are pouring through as they lose their inhibitions.

I think that’s really understandable and I think if you explained that nicely I can’t see why any one would dispute it. It’s not like this is her first grandchild and she’s always dreamed of being ‘Nana’ as she comes from a long line of nanas in the family and she thinks it’s absolutely the ‘right’ and only thing to be called, in which case I might say it’s a tricky one. But since she’s already been nanny, she’s obviously open minded and I think would actually cause confusion to have two different names across the grandkids. If she for some reason has come to dislike the name nanny and regrets it and is looking to try something new then perhaps grandma, granny, gran.
Or if you were ok with it perhaps Nana smith?/Nana Lynne?

I can completely imagine why this would upset you though because I’m sure you’re hoping to tell your DC all about your own mother, referring to her as Nana and you don’t want them getting all mixed up since she’s not there to make a full impression. I can see how it would be hurtful and feel like you’re losing her even more.
The grief of losing a parent young must be immense, made even more intense by welcoming your first child and not having them around… and in my opinion catering to this is far more important than her slight preference over a title. Especially since becoming a new mum is harder enough without throwing grief into the mix!
I hope you can get it resolved. Start by speaking with DH and go from there. He might be able to provide some context about how this name change has come about too

First off im sorry you lost your mum. I know you must really miss her.

My kids have two grannies and two grandads and its not a big deal. We have ended up differentiating with Granny-Anna and Granny-Susie (example names).

Have you sat down with a cuppa and asked her (just out of curiosity) why she wants to be nana and not nanny this time?

YABU. Nana gets to say how Nana wants to be known. End of.

Disagree. I disliked what my mil suggested so I veto'd it. Both my dm and my mil are "Granny" (Granny Purr and Granny Ireland respectively).

That said, there are certain names I'd struggle with as I actively dislike them to the point I'd rather they just used my first name as I did with one of my Grandmothers (her choice).

Either way I'd suggest talking to her. Maybe she dislikes "Nanny" and was hoping to avoid it with another child but there are other options.

The other angle is reframing. My father died when I was pregnant with dc2. She still has 2 grandads even though she only got to meet one and we always use names to distinguish that.

Being caught off guard is understandable, especially as you e probably thought lots about how it would be if your mum was here.

nothing wrong in mentioning you are surprised at what she’s using and looking for some clarification. Especially if she’s been using two different ones.

ps as someone whose nieces use a different name as my dc for my mum it’s a bit confit when they are all together

No need. She finds me quite supportive and her best friend apparently.
She has also spent the last 17 years calling my sister 'mom' as well, so she doesn't lack support in this village at all.

DD has 3 granddad's.... She calls them all Grandad, and if we need to differentiate they're Grandad John, Grandad Pete and Grandad Grumpy.

She also has 2 nanny's. Nanny Mo and Nanny Norfolk.

It's fine!

It's probably she wanted to be Nana, but the other daughter/son whatever said "no, you'll be nanny"

I understand where you’re coming from as I have lost my mum and it’s really sad knowing she won’t see your children grow up. I would ask MIL why she’s chosen Nana instead of Nanny this time and say hearing the name makes you feel sad as your mum was Nana to your niece and would’ve been to your baby. She might volunteer to be Nanny because she doesn’t want you to be sad when you hear her name

How the fuck is that kind? The snarky and twatty posts to OP who is still grieving the death of her mum are pretty judgemental and unfair.

I'm Nanny for one grandaughter at the request of my son and DIL and Nana for another grandaughter at the request of my other son and DIL. I didn't choose the names but was happy to do what they wanted.

In the kindest way possible, you are being unreasonable. And you can definitely have more than one Nana. I had two grandmothers with the same nickname as a child and it was fine. My kids have 3 Grandad’s and it’s also fine and they know who is who and who is whose parent/step parent. And I say this as someone whose father passed away (why there are 3 Grandads!)

What kind of mother would even think of distancing themselves from their daughter if their daughter had a problem that they didn’t find worthy of their time. You should be ashamed that distancing yourself from your own flesh and blood would ever enter your mind. I’m staggered.

hey @maria1997 firstly - I’m so sorry that you don’t have your mum with you at this special time. It’s clearly affecting you deeply.

You’ll find your child will choose their own word anyway eventually. My parents started off as one thing and have turned into something else as my children have grown. Initially my mil was grandma and was grandma also to nieces and nephews but passed away when my children were 4&6

my mother has now become grandma at some point over the years - I’m not even sure when it happened- the kids just started calling her grandma. We don’t mind. She’s comfortable and the kids are comfortable. MIL is referred to as Grandmas <name> now when we talk about her. My children still miss her terribly but the distinction between them is clear.

if you feel really strongly about it then perhaps you could sit down with MIL and just express that being called Nana is really upsetting you at this time as it’s reminding you that your own mother isn’t here to be a part of your family, that you love MIL dearly and you don’t wish to hurt her feelings - but just for the time being would she mind if you just stick to nanny as does her other grandchild for your own piece of mind. It’s really that simple

. Xx

@JLou08 and these people walk among us.

You have a point there. I stand corrected.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I think some of these replies are very harsh and unsympathetic.
I would speak to your mother in law and explain how you're feeling, I'm sure she will understand. And if not, then just refer to her as Nanny anyway.
My Grandma was referred to as Grandma and it's a very special name to me and when my DC was born, my MIL said she wanted to be called Grandma but I just couldn't see that name being used by someone else, it just felt wrong. So we called her Nanny and she was fine with it.

Congratulations on your baby and I'm very sorry for your loss x

I’m with you OP, my MIL insisted on ‘Nana’ after finding out that’s what my mum would be called by the children and it’s lead to no end of confusion for everyone. I would speak to her directly and let her know why she can’t be Nana and instead ask if she can be nanny instead

How oxymoronic of you Rachel.

I think some responses on here aren't very nice or helpful. I do understand as it's always going to be difficult of anything that reminds you of your DM.

I would tell your MIL that your DM was known as Nana in the family and does she mind being known as nanny.

I do understand as my Dad died when my DD turned 1 and both Granadas were called Grandad and their first name such as Grandad Bill and Grandad John. But after a year of my Dad gone I realised my in laws are just using the name Grandad now, but I do emphasise to call him Grandad John as Grandad Bill is still very much in our hearts and we can differentiate them to the little ones. I don't do this in a rude way of course.

It may be no big deal to other people. But if you're grieving and trying to keep the memory alive then I get it and understand. Definitely talk to your DH and MIL.

If she’s a wonderful grandmother, let it go.