Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

[maria1997]

I want to start this by saying that I have not had a conversation with my MIL or husband about this yet, as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and it is an awkward thing for me to discuss with them. I also want to say that I love my MIL dearly and this is not a personal thing to her.

My husband and I have recently welcomed our newborn baby (our first) and my mother-in-law has decided she wants to be known as ‘Nana’. This has taken me by surprise as her other grandson (our nephew) calls her ‘Nanny’ and he is 10 years old, so I just assumed she would be known as ‘nanny’ for our baby.

The reason I am not happy with this is because my mum was known as ‘nana’ by my niece and I also call her ‘nana’ to my baby. Sadly, my mum passed away 2 years ago and so isn’t around so it isn’t used as frequently as I would like.

When my MIL calls herself nana I find it very triggering, as to me ‘nana’ is just my mum and I can’t think or picture anyone else as ‘nana’. The sound of my niece calling her ‘nana’ for years is engrained in my brain and it hurts me a lot hearing someone else call themselves ‘nana’. I find it especially hard as she is not known as ‘nana’ by her other grandchild so I don’t understand why she wants to be ‘nana’ for my child?

I want to state that this is not malicious by my MIL and she likely wouldn’t know that my mum was referred to as nana. My husband does, but I don’t think he would register that this is something that would upset me.

I want to say that it really triggers/upsets me, however I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her? I would likely speak to my husband about it first, but I don’t know how he would approach it with her and I don’t want it to be awkward. My child is now a month old so I feel I need to say something soon.

It is also weird as during this month there has been a mix of ‘nana’ and ‘nanny’ used to my child and me & my husband have been referring to MIL as ‘nanny, so it hasn’t been a major issue however with Christmas etc coming soon there will be presents/cards and I have noticed MIL referring to herself as nana a lot more recently.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable asking her to not be ‘nana’, but I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I know I just need to speak to them (or at least my husband) about it but I wanted advice on whether it is an unreasonable thing to ask? And for advice on how to approach this. Thanks!

Just explain to her how you feel. If she's as nice as you say, she will most probably understand. How about suggesting another name, like Gran or Granny? If she's desperate to be Nana, make sure you refer to her as Nana Joan/Susan/whatever to distinguish from your mum, Nana Mary/name.
I called both my grandads grandad and their name and it wasn't confusing.
I hope you're OK, it must be a very emotionally draining time for you having a new baby and losing your mum relatively recently.

I don’t see where I have once said it is my MIL’s fault that my mum died, or where I have said I don’t want her to have a relationship with my child. I think a lot of people ‘answering’ these questions should just answer the question and not comment things that are untrue and that you know nothing about.

I appreciate all of the helpful feedback about whether I am being unreasonable or not and am taking on board what people are saying if they think I am being.

I too think you should tell her how you feel. I’m sure if she’s a nice woman who loves you and is already called Nanny by other family she’d understand. At the moment she doesn’t know how you feel,

Your mum was unique and precious and it's deeply sad that she was in the life of your niece but not of your own child.
But... 'Nana' is a common term of address for a grandmother. It might feel painful to hear your mum's first name applied to somebody else, but it will happen all the time because names are shared around. Maybe you could think of 'Nana' like that.

You are being very unreasonable. My mother is dead too but I’d never behave like you.

Yes completely concur with you
I was just thinking the very same thing, she worded it so beautifully brilliant here - She just needs to reiterate to her husband & let him, I believe, be the messenger 💚

I liked Grandma but my DiL’s mother is known as Grandma… to previous Grandchildren, so I was asked to pick something else…. Which I did… no problem, no confusion of who’s who in our family there is only one Nanna and that’s me. Only one Grandma DiLs mother and ex’s wife Nanny… makes it easier no confusion…. Maybe you suggest if she keeps the same name as she is known to the other Grandchildren, they as in the GC don’t get confused. Good luck x

Well both grandmothers can have the same name. Mine were both gran and my husband’s were the same. It is up to her what she wants to be called but if she’s lovely and already gets called Nanny just say what you’ve put here and she’ll probably change. I can’t imagine she’d be that bothered

My two Nan’s were both nan, but we differentiated by calling them by nan ‘their surname’ so for example my mums maiden name was corn and my dads surname was flake, they were ‘Nan-corn’ and ‘Nan-flake’. It was the other way round from your situation, I was the 14th grandchild on my dads side & the first on my mums side but all the grandmothers on both sides had been known as ‘nan’ and neither were willing to budge. HOWEVER me and my sister both did start calling nan-flake ‘nanny flake’ instead because we heard one of our younger cousins calling her nanny after nanny McPhee & that new name stuck for ever, so your baby might mimic her cousin & not call her nana anyway.

I hope you can find something that works for you. Could your mum be Nana Angel or another special name that sets her apart? I am so so sorry for your loss, it’s especially poignant at this time of year & I really feel or you navigating this.

can you tell your MIL how you feel?

Probably because she will never hear her own mum referred to as Nanna by her child? It isn't like hearing the name in passing is it? If you were comparing it to the word mum it would be more like how you would feel if you had to start referring to someone else as your mum after losing your actual mum.
I've not lost a parent but I can still manage to have empathy and understanding.

Not unreasonable. Be honest with her, tell her you don’t want to come across controlling or being awkward but its hard for you to hear. In my DIL said that to me I wouldn’t be offended at all. In fact, I think i’d check with them before announcing if i’ll be nanny / nana etc

This.

If you talk to her surely she'll understand - she doesn't know that it was what your mum was called by her other grandchild.

It's quite odd that she wants one grandchild to call her Nanna and the other Nanny - when they talk to each other about her won't they correct each other or assume they're talking about different people if they're both quite young? Although even more likely ypur child will copy their older cousin - surely she wouldn't correct one cousin and say "I'm Nanny to Freddie but Nanna to Oli" the way you might tell Freddie that you're Mummy to Oli but Auntie Lisa to Freddie...

I'm surprised at the "Nanna women are Nanna! No debate!" answers. In reality humans rarely name themselves, and the titles small children use tend to evolve from the children themselves and what they hear others calling the person (here the other grandchild is the obvious peer to learn from) so your MIL would be asking you, your DH, and other relatives (parents of the other grandchild? Other grandchild?) to call her Nanna when talking about her to your child for it to "take".

I would imagine that your MIL will be completely understanding if you talk to her and explain though - I certainly would be if my children's partners were in your position.

Yes I'm sure her Mother in law would be understanding, because she seems to get on immensely well with her 💚

You can have the best laid plans and they may go awry. Children make up names, have things that remind them of that person, have a speech issue that changes a name.

Could she not be a nana (mother in law’s name)? That’s what I am (there are lots of us)

What an incredibly unkind thing to say and utterly lacking in empathy.

This nails it for me. I can’t imagine anyone with your best interests at heart not seeing where you are coming from.

sorry OP, I fully understand why you are finding that difficult. Being a new mum when yours in no longer here is heartbreaking.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I bet most of the people here saying you are have no idea what it's like to become a mum while you're grieving for your own. My mum died a long time ago but when I talk about her to my DC I refer to her as their Nana, because that's what she would have been called. Even if your mum's no longer around, she has a place in your family and you can only keep her memory alive by talking about her and giving her a place in your children's imagination. I bet if you talk to your MIL about this she will completely understand, especially if she's lost her own mum

Utterly ridiculous statement. “Nanas” don’t get a say in anything. It’s their grandchild - not their child. The sheer entitlement of some grandparents is breathtaking.

My niece had a Nana and Nana’s DM, who was OG Nana, was still alive so was thenceforth Nana with a Walking Stick. I get you are struggling but sometimes you just have to grin and bear stuff til it becomes normal. There is a wider issue here which is your grief and you deserve to talk to someone about that. Sadly though we can’t always expect others to understand our grief. It wouldn't be fair to tell your MIL to choose a different name IMO.

I pray your daughter finds a more supportive mother figure in her life.

Kindly, there’s nothing remotely kind about what you’ve typed there

@UsernameMcUsername

I'm sorry for your past but who are you to say what op should or shouldnt be triggered by

Staggering really ?

Op don't make a big deal out of it just say,

Id like you to be known as nanny please.

End of.

I had two nans and two grandads growing up so for me, it's pretty normal.

However OP, there's nothing wrong with how you are feeling. If the name "nana" always makes you think of your mum, it's OK to ask that it's not used for your child.

I think I would talk to firstly your DH and then your MIL. I would just tell them how you're feeling, and how you find it hard. Just ask her if she wouldn't mind using "nanny" - you say you have a good relationship so I'd hope she would understand. I would very much frame it as a heartfelt plea rather than an instruction, if that makes sense. It also makes more sense to use the same name for all her grandchildren so the fact that "nanny" has been used for several years already makes sense to use it for your child too.

We had a situation with the use of grandparent names in our family too.

I won't derail the thread with the full story but before my dad died, he was worried about being replaced by my stepdad. He was very unwell so he was worried that he'd be shunted aside - my DM was very keen on trying to force a relationship between me and my stepdad. My stepdad is perfectly nice, but they got together when I was leaving home so he's not a substitute father IYSWIM. Anyway, long story short, I told my mum that we couldn't use the word grandad for my stepdad. My mum was very pissed off at first but I stuck to my guns and it very soon blew over. In our house "grandad" always means my dad, who sadly died with my DC were very young. Stepdad has always been perfectly happy with the alternative we use for him. On the other side of the family, we use "Gandalf" - their existing GC came up with that name so we just used it too! 😂