Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

463 replies

heavenknow · 22/11/2025 12:42

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

OP posts:
NovemberRedHolly · 22/11/2025 12:43

What difference will the 6-12 months make? If she can’t afford it then she needs to move anyway.

Figgie · 22/11/2025 12:44

what does she expect to happen in 6-12 months?

BreakfastClubBlues · 22/11/2025 12:45

I guess not, but DSS life would probably be better if his mum didn't loose her home.

Walkden · 22/11/2025 12:45

It's not your problem - but how will DSS react? Where will he live after uni. With you or her?

If she loses her house would this damage the relationship with DSS?

RhaenysRocks · 22/11/2025 12:45

Is the DD going to be entirely self sufficient by Dec 25? If the mum is still needing to support her than so should her dad. Where is the DD returning to upon graduation? Her mum's house? If so, again, parental support should be even. Or offer for the DD to come to you.

BraOffPjsOn · 22/11/2025 12:45

Is that due to costs due to having DSS?
If not it’s very cheeky that she’s putting this on you.

NovemberRedHolly · 22/11/2025 12:46

DSS should be contributing if he wants to continue living with his mum. He’s 20 not 12.

InLoveWithAI · 22/11/2025 12:47

NovemberRedHolly · 22/11/2025 12:46

DSS should be contributing if he wants to continue living with his mum. He’s 20 not 12.

I agree with this.

As an adult he is the one who should be contributing.

SleafordSods · 22/11/2025 12:47

What are DSS’ plans when they finish Uni? Do you have the room of they choose to live with you?

Is their DM in a rented or mortgaged home?

TigerRag · 22/11/2025 12:47

Did she not have a plan in place for when the maintenance stopped?

Katflapkit · 22/11/2025 12:50

Does his DSS live with his mother? Would he move back in with the mother when he graduates? Has his mother got another partner/younger children?

Thinking of your DSS and the stress of would cause him, knowing his mother could loose the house whilst he is graduating, I would offer to pay just six months.

I would also make it a formal letter that this is a one off good will gesture for your DSS and there is an absolute end date. Six months let's DSS graduate and the mother re-evaluate her finances.

Ericeric · 22/11/2025 12:50

So long as DSS can live with you and his DD it’s not your problem.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/11/2025 12:51

No, she’s had plenty time to plan for this.

notatinydancer · 22/11/2025 12:53

NovemberRedHolly · 22/11/2025 12:46

DSS should be contributing if he wants to continue living with his mum. He’s 20 not 12.

He’s at uni

Abracadabrador · 22/11/2025 12:55

Katflapkit · 22/11/2025 12:50

Does his DSS live with his mother? Would he move back in with the mother when he graduates? Has his mother got another partner/younger children?

Thinking of your DSS and the stress of would cause him, knowing his mother could loose the house whilst he is graduating, I would offer to pay just six months.

I would also make it a formal letter that this is a one off good will gesture for your DSS and there is an absolute end date. Six months let's DSS graduate and the mother re-evaluate her finances.

Edited

OP hasn't mentioned having a daughter? The parent of the adult is incapable of affording her house so will need to arrange buying an affordable one.
(Posted before you corrected the sex and step bits)

tomorrowtoblerone · 22/11/2025 12:56

We don't know the mum's circumstances, life can be hard for single parents. I'm assuming you and DH are showing some compassion to her and to DSS. I think fwiw DSS should then have somewhere to come back to with you and DH. So presumably you have a room for him.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 22/11/2025 12:57

When did she know the agreement was ending early?
what were the lump sum payment for?

Strictlycomeparent · 22/11/2025 12:57

It’s not your problem. But I do think you have a moral responsibility to house the 21year old if his mum can’t. Few 21 yr olds can afford to live along nowadays.

mindutopia · 22/11/2025 12:58

I would say, no, it’s not. It sounds like she needs to seek stable employment if her self employed work is not paying the bills.

But his dad should be (a) offering SS a place to live if she needs to downsize? and (b) sufficiently contributing to SS’s uni and living costs so that it’s not all falling on her.

JammyRed · 22/11/2025 13:01

She can get an evening job in bar and week ends for a year .

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/11/2025 13:05

Katflapkit · 22/11/2025 12:50

Does his DSS live with his mother? Would he move back in with the mother when he graduates? Has his mother got another partner/younger children?

Thinking of your DSS and the stress of would cause him, knowing his mother could loose the house whilst he is graduating, I would offer to pay just six months.

I would also make it a formal letter that this is a one off good will gesture for your DSS and there is an absolute end date. Six months let's DSS graduate and the mother re-evaluate her finances.

Edited

Nah, you don’t have to do any of this, OP. Any stress to DSS has been caused his DM’s lack of planning; what is going to change in 6 months? It will just be the same plea again.

She can sell her home and downsize like everyone else who finds themselves in the position of not being able to pay for their home, and who doesn’t have a wealthy ex to emotionally blackmail for support.

tomorrowtoblerone · 22/11/2025 13:05

She can get an evening job in bar and week ends for a year

Probably not going to touch the sides of a mortgage

Blueberry911 · 22/11/2025 13:09

Katflapkit · 22/11/2025 12:50

Does his DSS live with his mother? Would he move back in with the mother when he graduates? Has his mother got another partner/younger children?

Thinking of your DSS and the stress of would cause him, knowing his mother could loose the house whilst he is graduating, I would offer to pay just six months.

I would also make it a formal letter that this is a one off good will gesture for your DSS and there is an absolute end date. Six months let's DSS graduate and the mother re-evaluate her finances.

Edited

No, I wouldn't do any of that 😂

Middlechild3 · 22/11/2025 13:10

heavenknow · 22/11/2025 12:42

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

She can downsize to a flat maybe?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2025 13:10

This isn’t black and white as it depends how independent their child is. If he still needs help financially, as many 20 years olds do for whole hosts of reasons, then yes of course his father should still contribute.