That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

Why is he paying her, and not her son direct? Child maintenance basically ends at the end of A Levels for most dcs, so any agreement a parent has with a child after that is independent of their other parent.

Not particularly fair, if you still have over 18s living at home, struggling to find part time work at the moment, but that is the law.

Although this would only make sense if there was a plan in place would derail how things were going to change in those months so that the mother is going to no longer be in the perilous situation just a few months down the line.

OP has your DSS got a job lined up? If not (and this isn’t necessarily due to lack of trying) then I would think continuing to pay for a time within reason until they got a job would be reasonable. But I’m meaning 3 months. Because that’s long enough fOR DSS to get some Kind of job even if it’s deliveries or staff stacking and then they would be contributing to their keep and taking ownership rather than their parents.

You'd hope on his own or with flatmates, like most people.

I think context and more information is important here. Why difference will it make to your husband's ex if he pays another 6-12 months maintenance? Is she expecting an inheritance for example, which would allow her to continue living in the house? If she can't afford her current housing without maintenance, then how is that going to help her in 6 months, once your husband stops? Does your step-son live at home, whilst studying at university or is he living in a house share? If your step-son is living in a house share off campus, then your husband's ex shouldn't be receiving the maintenance, your step-son should be! His ex knew and agreed to your husband stopping maintenance payments at the end of this year, so it's not something that's been sprung on her. What is she doing to help herself? Where is your step-son going to live after he graduates? No, it's not your husband's issue, but he does have a moral obligation to house his son, if his ex can't.

I'm surprised that he was even paying maintenance to his ex after his son turned 18 and finished his A-levels. Surely anything he paid after then would have been directly to his adult son?
Definitely not your problem OP.

Depends on a lot of factors.

Could a very stressful next 6 months for DSS and worrying about his mum won’t help. He could resent you for not helping when you could.

The job market is pretty tough right now, and unemployment is high.

My earning potential was seriously impacted when my child’s father decided being a husband and parent was not for him anymore. Only ever got peanuts for maintenance so would not waste my breath asking for any more even if felt was needed. Many resident parents have been forced into sacrificing part of their lives whilst the other parent keeps earning to their full potential and marries a partner bringing in another household income so therefore has a better quality of life.

If the above is possibly the situation be kind and support of can afford. Sometimes no matter how much warning you have of finances changing it’s difficult to adapt when supporting a child.

"if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house."
Fixed it...
"if she doesn't find additional income quickly then she will lose her house."

Everybody knows child maintenance ends, you are not her income stream, she needs to get her finances in order quick sharp and asking her ex to give her his money isn't the solution.

Any money should be given to the adult son at this point, also perfectly reasonable for him to move in with you if she's really struggling and he isn't contributing.

This makes the rather big assumption that he's living with his mum, and as not graduating for another 6 months is actually earning money to contribute.

If the agreement has been in place for a longtime then she should have planned for the money to come to an end.

I think this entirely depends on how long she has known, and when she told DS father. And whether anything unexpected has happened with DSS- that could not have been foreseen.

If she has known this for 17 years and is telling you now, and no unexpected financial crunches with DSS then it's her planning issue.

It is it because the amount she has to contribute to DSS makes her unable to meet the cost of rent/mortgage? If so I'd just pay until he finishes uni.

A lot of graduates are struggling to get jobs at the moment. Your DH focus should be with the DSS and his needs- if he's in a position to help his son then why wouldn't he. Its very tough right now for that age group with jobs and housing.

I sort of feel for the ex - and then I don't. She should have organised for the ending of maintenance payments. If she has not then she must cut her cloth accordingly. I say this fiercely because my ex took me for a ride on maintenance - lying to the court that custody was settled and agreed, when it was not (I had a lawyer who told me I didn't need to go to the divorce hearing). I was paying about half my monthly salary in maintenance and had nowhere permanent to live. Then I remarried and bought a house and ex was difficult about week-ends, it was ad hoc when it suited ex. With support of new (now late) DH I took ex to court and asked for 50% custody of DD (DS over 16) and won to ex's shock. No more maintenance and a legally enforceable agreement on when I saw DC. So stuff the ex I'm afraid, it seems she has been living on maintenance for her DS and has not made proper provision for herself. Don't pay. Offer DSS a roof, a loving roof, of course.

You need to find out if anything will materially change in 6 months, but don't be too hard on her. It can be a shocking moment when a separated mum realises that she can't afford to keep the family home until the children have homes of their own. Sure, she should have planned ahead, but lots of people don't.

She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house

Just because she has said it, doesn't mean it is actually true.

I think shes trying it on

I'm struggling to see why you need to fund his ex's home beyond when the legal agreement ends. Perhaps the extra 6 months is until the mortgage is paid off?
Has DSS received support directly from you, or have you sent the maintenance and that's been it?
We stopped sending maintenance once the kids were out of full-time education and heading to university. We then sat down with DM and offspring, and worked out how much each would need for halls etc (turned out to be cheaper to buy a flat) and they got that plus an allowance each month until the September when they graduated.
Appreciate not all exes manage to work together like this, and hope you get something sorted so DSS is able to get to the end of his course.

This.
He's at uni so likely struggling on a student loan. He will then have to find a job. Perhaps he should move in with his dad?

There is absolutely no obligation to the ex once the DC’s are 18. I’ve no clue why you’re still paying? My ex pays DS directly by way of paying his Uni rent. We both have a bedroom for him so DS can stay with either of us when he’s home.
She needs to cut her outgoings or downsize, neither of which is your problem to solve or pay for.

Leaving it to the very last minute to make it like there’s no choice but to continue is a well-known tactic

Her problem not yours sound like a cf in the making, 6 12 months will get exrended or there'll be another sob story from her.
Jog off would be my response with no apologies or excuses required.

I'm not sure that "like most people" is true any more. Twenty plus years ago plus, yes. I never returned to my parents' home after university except as a visitor, and neither did my friends to theirs BUT my eldest is the only one of her peer group not to be living back with parents over a year after graduating (and some lived at home throughout). We helped her financially with the rental deposit and other one off costs so she could avoid a 90 minute commute each way to work from ours - again not something my parents would have done.

In the UK now 50% of 18 year olds start some type of degree and receive a lot more support than in the "old days" to finish, and half of them get firsts when it used to be a single figure percentage... There's an absolute glut of young graduates with "good" degrees plus a reduced job market for them.

I don't think "most" 21 year olds are in a position to be totally independent straight after graduating any more unless they're very lucky and driven or have a one off nest egg to launch them.

Presumably there's still maintenance because he's living at home, otherwise you'd imagine the money going straight to him to make up the gap between loan and expenses (which can be a lot)

I think until OP clarifies it's hard to say. Obviously you can't make your own child homeless in their last 6 months of uni!

Assuming you’re happy for him to come and live with you when he graduates then no it isn’t your husband’s problem. Maintenance should be about giving your child a quality of life, it’s not a bolt on salary for the other parent. That said if the son plans to return there and needs help to pay his way (which in turn keeps the home in his family) - that’s the way your husband needs to position it and make his decision.

Loads more detail needed as to why 6 months might be enough and where you’re expecting the son to go when he graduates.

If people are happy to work any job they can find, rather than in a specific field, possibly move a bit and share with others, whilst searching for better, it seems doable. Depends on area hugely, but appreciate finding a desirable job takes a long time.