That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

It depends on the circumstances.

How long have they been split up for - several years, in which case this would have been foreseeable, or fairly recently?

Maintenance being paid until DSS graduates uni is more than most people get, and there should be a cut off point at some stage.

No its not your problem
.Adult DSS needs to get a job and maybe his mother could follow suit

What did she get in the divorce settlement, where has DSS mainly been living and where will they live after uni?

How do you know this is even true? I’d also expect there to be further requests to extend the time if you agree to this. People just get used to the status quo and don’t think about the future.

Daughter????

It will be your problem when your husband’s child is homeless.

Yep, if you agree to this there will surely be a further demand !!

I don't understand why you'd be paying her once their son started uni? Surely the money went to his son given he is now an adult and probably not even living at home anymore, maintenance is to support the child, not to pay another adults mortgage for them. If their son graduates in 6 months time I assume he will then get a job and may possibly move away for work, why would you be paying this woman's mortgage for her? You aren't responsible for her. If their son moves back with the mum well she makes arrangements with him to pay rent to help cover her mortgage. If she can't afford her mortgage it isn't your responsibility. I'd stick to the original plan, she's done well to receive maintenance this long. She should have planned better for when this time came, she can't possibly have assumed you'd pay her forevermore.

I agree with pps who have said it really depends on the situation with DSS. Will he need to live with her? That would affect my decision but ultimately, he's an adult at 20 so he owes her nothing in maintenance now. I mean legally you don't have to cover a 'child' when they go to uni.

Sounds like your DH has been generous so if it won't affect DS in terms of his housing then I'd say it is her problem to solve. It's not as if she hasn't had notice. Also I'd be worried that the 6 - 12 months will turn in 18 - 24 months etc etc ...

Sadly some women think an ex husband is a meal ticket for life

Yes I agree with this 👆

If you had a child OP would you expect your husband to stop funding them entirely age 20? Sink or swim?

The only way you are not being unreasonable is if DSS has a completely comfortable full time home with you and will be able to live there while he launches his career. But doesnt DSS need to live a bit with his mum? I mean sure she could downsize but why make her do that until DSS is safely graduated and sorted.

Otherwise it just sounds like you're grumpy that the cost of a child doesnt just stop.

No you are not, but its always the parent the sacrificed the most that gets the shit end of the stick, she has likely gone without her whole life whupe dad ran iff for family number two. I hope your DH doent put a single penny towards your DC after they turn 20 all being fair

If you can afford it then give it.
It's just money whereas your dh relationship with his ds is worth much more.

The mental gymnastics some posters must go through to put down every single stepmum who posts here are hilarious 😂

Financial support for the 20 year old perhaps yes, but not for the ex.

If DSS has been at uni why has DH been giving maintenance to DSS mum? Or has DSS been living at home during his uni course?

I think you are being unreasonable to refer to the maintenance as 'generous' unless your husband's son hasn't lived there or benefited from the provision of a home by his mother? If you feel your husband didn't manage financial planning appropriately with his ex-wife and is now retreating from an important review point - that is something to discuss with him and tell him how you feel when he doesn't take your views into consideration. I am wondering if you are reflecting on how your step-son might be triangulated in any subsequent reverberations from the current discussion and if you might be blamed if there is a negative outcome between his mother and father?

So you expect your exes to fund your house, not just pay maintenance for their child?

His dad won’t have made his mum homeless though. She will have known for a long time when maintenance is to end- and she hasn’t made any plans for that; and to be fair, most NRPs seem to stop paying the other parent once the child is at uni and then pay funds direct to the child so this mum has already had over an extra 2 years which most won’t.

I think we need more info here though. Is the son away at uni or commuting from home? Where does he come back to in the holidays? What are his thoughts about what he will do once he graduates? It may be that supporting until exams/graduation for his sake is the right thing but I wouldn’t be committing financially supporting another household for an extra 12 months and would be making that clear.

I also agree with others-what does she think will happen in the 6-12 months that she hasn’t done or planned for before now and in particular over the last 3 years? What plans does she have in place_or will it be, I need another 6months and another … Unfortunately she is going to have to make plans, some of which might not be palatable.

Quite. Seems like the ex has decided it’s to fund her rather than her child. It’s child maintenance. Not a divorce settlement.

It might become your problem, if your step child has to live with you, or if they side with their mum.

I think this depends on the back story. Why did they split up, was there an equal share of childcare etc. If she was forced to take a step back from a career because she was doing both parents share of pick ups, drop offs, sick days etc, or he left after agreeing that she could be a sahp for years so she was out of the workforce for ages, then I doubt a 'generous maintenance' would make up for the lifelong financial impact. If they both worked full time and both did an equal share of everything child related then I think he has been generous. It also depends on if the divorce settlement was fair to both sides.

I think it also depends on how financially comfortable you are. If you can easily afford it then making sure that the mother of his children doesn't lose her home is a good thing to do. If you're struggling then you shouldn't.

I think you are potentially being U.

DH paid full maintenance until the summer after DSD finished Uni. So graduated then had the summer to travel before starting work in Oct.

She was still using her mums home (and ours but she would consider her mums her “base”) during Uni holidays and between bouts of travelling (that she had worked and saved for) before starting her post graduation “proper” job.

Technically he could have stopped paying when she was 18 but we didn’t think that was fair when she was still in education (we also helped her fund uni).

This was made clear in advance to her mum and DH was also clear this wouldn’t be further extended and she needed to be have financial plans in place after this date.

Personally I think (unless I’m missing something) you should be paying another 6 months until DSS finishes uni but after that his mum needs make her own arrangements and if that involves a lifestyle adjustment then so be it.

From what you’ve written her circumstances won’t alter in 6/12/18 months and it’s not reasonable for her to expect you to fund her forever.

Nope not your responsibility, DSS is 20, and can get a job after graduation to help pay rent for the roof over his head.

What does DSS say about this? Does he have a job?