That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

I had this when my ex stopped paying 5 months before Ur was due to end. With Jo court order there was basically nothing I could do and with our son just finishing uni and our daughter just starting it was bloody awful. It's a financial shock losing maintenance but you just have to get on with it. I got a second job.

Depends what “works for herself” means, is she a professional web designer, or is she selling crotcheted egg cosies on Etsy? Maybe she needs to think about getting a job which has a guaranteed income.

And surprisingly hard to get.

The difference is possibly that their child can not contribute at all for the next 6 months as he is still at uni. So by stopping in December it sounds like only one parent - the mother - will still be contributing for him and not the father at all.

@heavenknow Not your problem but as others voiced: how does your DSS feel about this or is he unaware?

Could you make it a loan and get her to sign to repay any monies you give her?

Why will she be able to stay in her house forever if your DH pays her for another six months? Has she got some big invoice that's going to be paid to her in this time and she has cashflow issues?

Otherwise she's leaving either now or in six months regardless.

It isn't your problem, no. But the lad needs somewhere to live. He can't be expected to just go out on his own in a bedsit or HMO straight out of uni when he may not even have a secure job. That kind of stuff was feasible about 25 years ago. But not now.

So if she has nowhere for him then you must put him up at yours. Of course he should pay board when he's working and cook, clean, do own laundry, pay for own phone etc. But not market rate rent.

And still not the OP’s problem

A lot obviously depends on the financial situation of OPs DH too and how he would feel if the DSS and his mum had to move a long way away to find affordable housing.

It’s not your problem.

how I would feel about it depends on the context. Personally I downsized after divorce.

Not your problem. How long is the entitlement going to go on for?! She can't be bankrolled forever on the basis of getting pregnant over 20 years ago

Agree with others - how will it affect DSS, does he live there? If she loses the house is he homeless too? In which case I think his father would have a moral obligation to house him - either by having him live with you or funding a place for him until he finds his feet post uni. Then there's how your DSS is likely to react to the idea that his dad has made his mum homeless - rightly or wrongly that could open a big can of worms.

You might conclude it's not worth the hassle for the sake of paying a few more months, but it depends.

DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout.

As well he should, he doesn't get bonus points for paying for his own child.

Why exactly is she in such trouble? If your husband pays maintenance then that must mean his son lives mainly with her and maintenance rarely covers the true cost of running a home large enough for the resident parent and any children? How independent is his son? And how will his life be impacted if his mother loses her home? Does she rent or is it a mortgage?

More details needed, really.

Does DSS live at his mother’s home or is he away for uni? Does exW give the maintenance to DSS to live off /pay rent if he lives away and can’t afford to do that without help? (If so, would your DP give money directly to DSS)

I don't really understand why she's receiving maintenance. Isn't DSS receiving it? Or does he live at home with her. If he mainly lives with her, I'd definitely continue until he graduates.

Will DSS move back with his mum after graduating? Surely maintenance is to pay for DSS not the rent/mortgage. Has she only been able to live there because of the maintenance payments or has something happened with her work/business?

Is dss still at home wirh his mother or out in a flat?

Can he get a part time job the way most students i know do or is his course too stressful/he has difficulties perhaps due to disabilities etc which would prevent this.

So does the mum work? Why can she not afford to run a house, are there any relevant circs? What happened to the lump sums? What does she expect to change in the next year that somehow makes her more able to afford her place?

Do you have room for ss at your house? Could you take him.

My thoughts are that she needs to stand on her own two feet. However the son shouldn’t only rely on her to look after his well-being amd housing needs. He had two parents and hes not a child so he has some responsibility for his own life now too.

But having lived with what couod potentially be a lazy ass useless mother with spending habits outwith her means and no regard for the future couod have made him a bit like that too.

Or maybe she has genuine issues like high rent in a posh area and will have to consider moving. We don’t know how ‘generous’ your partner has been. Some guys think a small sum is generous when actually it doesn’t touch the sides. Or he could be giving her £5k a month amd she has so much debt it’s all going on repayments she will never ever manage to see off.

No not your problem.
She's relied on your generous payments and not got her ducks in a row in time.
Don't let DSS blackmail you on her behalf either but make sure you can house him if he needs a new home for a while.

Technically, no it’s not your problem. Morally, that depends on the circumstances.

Personally, if I could afford to continue until DSS at least finishes uni, I would. If not, then she has no choice but to sell up.

DSS' mum isn't your husband's problem, but his DS who is still in education absolutely 100% is.

So whilst technically DSS' mum losing her house isn't a problem for you and your husband to solve, your husband (and indirectly because you married him you) morally have to be ready to pick up the pieces for DSS by offering him a home in the holidays and if necessary for a few months at least after graduating, and if he's been screwed over financially with a liw loan based on parental income and is now left without parental contribution to cover the last six months of rent his dad has to step up with a modest amount direct to DSS to allow him to finish his degree.

Apart from anything your DH has supported his child until now and pulling the rug out from under him at this point only a few months from the end of his degree would render all that pointless, especially if it caused him to have to drop out and work full time or "just" ruined their relationship for good...

Why is he paying money to his ex and not directly to his son? If his son is at uni then, presumably the mother doesn't have the added expense of him being at home, so where is the money going? Pay the son directly and let the mother sort her housing issue out.

“Beedeeoh · Today 13:18

Agree with others - how will it affect DSS, does he live there? If she loses the house is he homeless too? In which case I think his father would have a moral obligation to house him - either by having him live with you or funding a place for him until he finds his feet post uni. Then there's how your DSS is likely to react to the idea that his dad has made his mum homeless - rightly or wrongly that could open a big can of worms.
You might conclude it's not worth the hassle for the sake of paying a few more months, but it depends.”

This with bells on.

Legally it’s not your problem but morally your DH’s son’s relationship will probably suffer as a result.

Really, what’s an extra 6-12 months? Do it as a loan if necessary that is formally written up for her to pay back.

Well in that case it’s direct to DSS not the mother
hows she managed when he was at uni the money should of been going to the son not the mother

Not directly related to house but my ex continued paying for graduated son until he secured a job. Obviously he had to job hunt (which he did). It took about 4 months from graduating to job offer.

Paid direct to son, not me of course.

It’s not your problem. Nothing to do with you at all.

it might be your husbands problem depending on how he feels about it, how his son will react etc etc.

She should absolutely be able to stand on her own two feet. She should have known maintenance would end at some point and should have had a plan in place. I have seen this a few times, high earning ex so generous CMS payments. That supports a nice life, but when it ends the gear change is jarring.