That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

[heavenknow]

DSS is 20, graduating uni in 6 months. DH has paid a generous maintenance throughout. The agreement they had in place was financial support ended in Dec 25. (Due to lump sum payments requested by ex)
She has now said if we can’t continue the payments for a minimum of 6-12 months then she will lose her house. She currently works for herself. AIBU to think this isn’t our problem?

Also, an extra six months may allow her to downsize and get a job. Neither of which happen over night.

I think the suggestion of a loan, is a good compromise.

DSS should have a part time job (normal at uni) to pay his mum when he goes home.

Ex should find a job if she wants to keep her home.

But, if it falls apart, then you and DH need to be ready to offer DSS a home. 🤷‍♀️

As she has made no plans for the future, assuming she could continue being supported by her ex. I wouldn't trust anything she put her name to.

So many MNers seem to think single mothers are owed this endless stream of assistance out of everyone else’s pocket.

The woman has had many years to plan and work toward this day. Her ex has been more than generous. The son is an adult. She needs to get out there and work like everyone else does to afford the lifestyle she desires.

Exactly. She would never repay a loan.

So many MNers seem to think single mothers are owed this endless stream of assistance out of everyone else’s pocket.
The woman has had many years to plan and work toward this day. Her ex has been more than generous. The son is an adult. She needs to get out there and work like everyone else does to afford the lifestyle she desires.

She's got a job she runs a business the OP says. I dont think expecting the father of her child to contribute to her child's life and home is unreasonable. Conversely I know a few situations where the dad has left and gone on to earn as normal, leaving the mum in the shit because she has kids to raise, which makes it harder, especially doing it all solo. The men who had affairs seem to be the most bitter of them all for reasons I never understood.

The main focus for the dad in this situation should be his son's welfare.

I wouldn’t pay her a penny more. Between her and DSS they’ll have to figure it out. They’re are both adults of owning age.

I very much doubt if she’s in such financial straits to be unable to pay her rent/mortgage she would pass the risk criterion to obtain a loan.

If her “business” doesn’t support her, she needs to get a job. Or jobs, plural.

Depends on the divorce settlement to be honest.
I will have no qualms in rinsing my ex for every Penny for as long as I possibly can on the basis that if he had just sorted out the lump sum payment and ensured that we could’ve all been adequately housed 20 years ago none of this would be happening.

So how did it go down?

What does dss need in his last six months of uni in order to successfully complete his finals and get a graduate job?
im guessing financial stress and losing his family home and having nowhere to go when his student accommodation ends isn’t high up on that list?
the OP says nothing about whether you will have dss live with you while he job hunts - that’s the most important question.

It’s not your problem no

buti know for a fact that if my mum had said that to my dad he would of helped out

bowever my mum and dad were the best of friends even when they divorced. All the way until he died. I was extremely lucky.

Well, that’s it…the son should be of primary importance here. We are only reading a snapshot of the situation. Until the OP comes back with more information and her own thoughts we are in the dark.

This. It is not your problem to continue supporting her now things are changing. She should have planned for this and at least discussed with son how things would be funded at end of maintenance. Otherwise 6-12 months, I guarantee, will become more.

Presumably the money your DH has been paying for the past few years has been paid directly to his son at Uni. He may choose to continue paying something to his son until he gets a job but that’s all surely. I’d be expecting DSS to get some sort of job even if it’s bar work or a call centre or something, just so he’s contributing to his home with his mum.

She’s a grown arse woman who will have known this was coming since she started receiving maintainence. She may have even got longer than she initially expected as her son intended stayed in education! And she no longer has a ‘child’ to support, legally anyway.

I think giving her a six month pity payment is not teaching her anything. She’s not planned financially and that’s not your problem.

If you leave her to sort this out so am sure she will be able to find a way. Either sensibly via reducing expenses, getting more hours, another job, or getting some rent from her son when he’s at work, or universal credit etc if he is not! Or not sensibly eg loan, credit…

I agree with others that dss should not suffer. It’s not his fault his mother has been foolish, from the sounds of it anyway. If the worst should happen and she can’t house him he should have the option to stay with you.

But from the OP, DH did fund until the end of Uni? It is just that the Ex wanted the cash in a 6 month lump sum advanced. She surely can't have it both ways?

There might be lots of different scenarios here. But...

I guess with the rise of cost of everything, particularly housing, she is struggling to make ends meet. I'm assuming that she is a single income household whereas the Dad is in a two income household. Her rent or mortgage payments may have shot up and only the maintenance was keeping the wolf from the door. I am also assuming that her home is the main residence for DSS. If the maintenance has been generous and has (at least) covered some of DSS's additional costs at Uni then it is time for her to be weaned off.

She needs to be directed to expert advice on either her mortgage or rent. And if she hasn't done so already and there are no barriers, she should be looking for additional income ie a second job.

Assuming further that DH and DSS are in contact and have a good relationship - it would be helpful for DH to have DSS' views on the situation and options on the table to support DSS after uni ends and his transition into (hopefully) an employed role.

You seemed to have filled an enormous amount of detail here with zero facts to go on

are you the mum

Don’t extend any more payment! It can be seen by a court as setting expectation and it could be ordered to continue beyond the 6-12 months. Anyway, doesn’t sound like she has a plan if it’s huge time g st p of half a year?

Especially these days when young adults still live at home. She knew the plan and it’s her responsibility to plan towards it. If the plan didn’t work, also her responsibility to have alternatives.

That's her responsibility

Where does it say this? You've just made that up about him leaving for another woman, mad

This is the first time I’ve ever heard of parents being legally required support a “child” in education until they are 25? Are you talking about England?

This post made me curious enough to advance search the OP.

But all I can see from her is this thread?

So her husband left her for another woman and then deserted her, meaning she probably had to make career sacrifices?

Are you able to say where you got this information from @mugglewump?

Do you know the OP in real life and is there a backstory she's not telling us?

My exH has always had this attitude towards me, not realising that me and the kids come as a unit. I could literally be dying and he would still be saying it wasn't his problem.

Remember that how he treats her now, is how he'll treat you when you break up.