To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

I am an only child - my parent couldn't have more. Yes, no doubt your daughter has a great life with the undivided attention of her parents and so on. So did I. I did feel the lack of siblings though - I used to think I'd be all on my own when my parents died. (My mother was quite ill for a large part of my childhood so not an entirely unreasonable thought and both my parents were a bit older than average.) I have a close friend from childhood - we have been friends about 50 years. She is the closest thing to a sister to me. Of course I married and had two children of my own but we are still close friends. I think it can be important to foster friends for only children - my mother was a bit of a second mother to my friend as well as her family had some issues.

It's for individuals to define the Christmas spirit as we see fit though, isn't it? Rather than dictating to others?

Let her come with you. Christmas is for children and your daughter will enjoy having her friend with her…it’ll be fun. When I was a kid I did everything with my best friend and we are still close to this day :) I don’t understand why it would matter if her friend is there?

I just think this whole guilting of the OP into including this girl is getting out of hand.

People seem to have decided off their own bat that the girl is somehow neglected simply because she has no boundaries set by her grandparent. Those two things don't necessarily align.

The OP should feel no obligation to include the girl in something that is precious to her and is about her bond with her own daughter.
As you say, things change as children grow & I think it's fine for the OP to want to keep this traditional special and family orientated for as long as she can.

I’m sick of seeing “christmas is for children”!!
What if someone if childless, through choice or through circumstance? Are they banned from celebrating?
Bonkers.

I think we can be quite precious and protective of our family traditions but sometimes they evolve. We used to have the tree decoration bit done as a family then they sometimes stopped joining in and a couple of years ago, DD had her friend help. It was actually lovely. I don’t know the right answer but OP your DH said it was fine - so might be worth talking to him about that a bit.

Wow people love to bash absolutely everything don't they?! 🙈😂
Your day sounds lovely and I work with kids from 4-16, and they'd protest and grumble and pretend to hate it, but actually 99% of them would love to know that's what they are doing and just make it a non-negotiable and family only event 🤷‍♀️ Kids don't need peer company 24/7.
But, to make peace as your daughter wants to do things with her friend explain to her, this day is just for us but we will get you another tree you and friend can decorate too.

You aren't being unreasonable and it isn't bad to want to safeguard family time.
Your child is with school friends Monday-Friday, if you want to gatekeep part of a weekend for family time, do that too. Just make it clear. Kids do better with a direct boundary and it isn't bad to enforce them. 😊
Enjoy your Christmas activities 🎄

I’m not mixing with any children this year, unless you count my dc in their twenties. Am
i not allowed to enjoy Christmas then?

Totally fine to want to keep this as a family thing. It sounds like a nice little tradition.

I think some posters have been really harsh. Sounds like your DD does loads with friends, including this particular girl, but you shouldn't feel obliged to involve others at every single occasion. Fine to keep some things back, just for family.

The idea to do invite some friends the next day for Christmas activities is a nice one.

Am curious, have you ever spoken to the grandma about the early mornimg calls? 7.30 is crazy. (I know that you ignore calls and have her round after 10.) Sounds like the girl is just left to her own devices, which is a bit sad.

People seem to have decided off their own bat that the girl is somehow neglected simply because she has no boundaries set by her grandparent. Those two things don't necessarily align.

Completely agree, @cloudtreecarpet . As I said upthread, the impression I got was that the other child had asked if she could come, not that the OP’s DD had invited her and been begging for her to join in. Some kids are pushier than others. Some parents are fine with that and think “oh - they’re so confident and independent and sociable”. (I vividly remember a girl in my DD’s class say something incredibly cheeky (bordering on disrespectful) to a teacher at a school event. Her mother glowed and said “Oh, aren’t we loving that sass?”, whereas I was quite aghast that she hadn’t told her DD not to be so rude to Mrs Parker. ) People have different views on what’s acceptable and the OP is perfectly entitled to have her own.

This also reminds me of the threads on here around the whole “there’s no harm in asking” idea. I’m firmly of the belief that there is, because you then put someone in the awkward position of having to say “no”, which can be difficult for some people. (Being cynical, that’s probably why they ask in the first place!). It’s a bit like that with this child; her parents or grandma should never have allowed the 7.30 calls to happen. When she came home saying that she was going to the OP’s house to do tree decorating, one of them should have checked directly with the OP that that was okay. A quick text would have allowed OP to say “ah - sorry - girls got the wrong end of the stick but Lucy can come and play on Monday” or whatever. Other people are pushy; that doesn’t mean OP has to be a pushover.

The DD is 7, not 11 & at this age family is still massively important to kids (or should be)! She doesn't need to see a friend every day from 7.30 am onwards. The parents of this other girl seem.like CF to me - palming their DD off on a neighbour to avoid parenting her themselves 🤷‍♀️ this is a special family event. I wouldn't want another kid over on such a lovely day either. Plus OP needs to make sure her DD understands that just because she is an only child doesn't mean she always calls the shots in the family. She'll be a nightmare tween/teen if she always gets her way over absolutely everything.

Not really my 6 year old would trade us for a day with a friend any day 🤣 that’s what’s important at that age, toys, friends, simple things. Not worrying about family traditions that their mum is getting upset over because their 7 year old friend wants to join and she doesn’t want them to..

Poor girl. She’s been told yes, she can. Lots of children aren’t allowed to decorate a tree, she might be one of them. It’s lovely that you do it with your children but it wouldn’t hurt to let her join in once. She obviously loves spending time at your house.

I think that the people who need to see menus and faint at the prospect of whatever and hate people and won't host overnight.... are not labelled precious or overbearing, but the mother who just wants to do a Christmas tradition with her daughter without having to babysit someone else's child is.

Maybe I read it wrong.

I didnt grow up in a child centered world and consider it a good thing that they be given boundaries. I would be having a word with the neighbour about the early calls and telling them its not convenient. Chidren need to learn that the world was not created for them alone and that they will have to deal with disappointment sometimes.

Maybe you're doing hot chocolate wrong 😂

She was told she should come by a 7 year old.

It doesn't sound like this girl understands or has boundaries enforced (her grandma seems happy for her to use her phone to call the neighbour at 7.30am and spend most weekends there without checking). I don't think it'd do any harm for this girl to be told no on this occasion - and perhaps it might send a message to the girls caregivers that she's monopolising too much of their family time.

Apparently it is to some people.

@DangerousAlchemy but with an only you also have to be careful that the family unit of 3 doesn't become all encompassing especially with 'traditions' as that can put a lot of pressure on the child

This girl is clearly just seeking out wholesome family Christmas fun and maybe arrange a separate craft to do another time and have a discreet word with her mum that this is a bit of a family tradition. A 7 year old won’t understand yet what that means so is crossing boundaries with no understanding of them. I feel for her.

I’d say no, but they can do some craft things the day after. Say you’re having a family day on that day. I’d also tell your dd she needs to ask you before inviting anyone else going forward.

Nothing wrong with wanting one evening just for family. I cannot believe how much this has derailed into OP being a nasty and controlling mum with hardened traditions and that OP should cater to the grandmother’s whims. OP, YANBU.

That's fair, BUT it has to be considered in the wider context. This other kid is making a nuisance of herself, and the DD didn't think to say "I'll ask mum" when her friend basically invited herself along to something. It's OK to have boundaries; that doesn't make a person "rigid". OP has been far from rigid when it comes to this kid, she's actually been accommodating to a fault.

If it was me, I'd have been happy to accommodate the friend and be flexible about my little traditions or whatever, IF the kid wasn't already round my house all the time, and IF dd had asked first.

It's not actually very kind to let children be a nuisance, because they usually don't know they're being a PITA. They'll keep doing it, and think it's normal, unless they're corrected. Getting some boundaries in place will mean OP is happier, and neighbour kid is less likely to grow up a socially inept goblin.

I suspect the people with that view are the passengers in the family. Fun and "magic" just seem to "happen". SOMEONE is putting a LOT of thought and effort into planning it, just not them, so they think it's happening organically 😂

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, and I love it 😂