Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

183 replies

luna122 · 22/11/2025 06:35

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 22/11/2025 06:39

It is ex’s responsibility to take DC to see his parents in my view.
Just message him and ask if x o’clock suits him to pick up DC and take them to his parents. You and DC will be busy from this time to that time, he can have them any time before or after that.
Good luck

Barnbrack · 22/11/2025 06:39

It's only on your shoulders if you take it. Sorry Margaret, I'm spending my Christmas how I choose this year, I'm sure you understand, you'll have to speak to Malcolm about what his plans with the kids are as I can't help you there. Bye now

Barnbrack · 22/11/2025 06:40

Weenurse · 22/11/2025 06:39

It is ex’s responsibility to take DC to see his parents in my view.
Just message him and ask if x o’clock suits him to pick up DC and take them to his parents. You and DC will be busy from this time to that time, he can have them any time before or after that.
Good luck

Don't even do that! You're not their secretary, they are adults, they will figure it out and they can ask you

Sparkletastic · 22/11/2025 06:43

What do the kids want to do?

Lennonjingles · 22/11/2025 06:43

You really need to sort it out whoever is having DC on Christmas Day. I wouldn’t be taking them to see ex in laws, but if they want to see their Dad and his family, he should collect them.

moose62 · 22/11/2025 07:02

How old are the children? What would they like you do? Depending on them you could just stay at home and they could see the in-laws another day.
You are not obliged to do anything to please your ex now.

Zempy · 22/11/2025 07:05

PILS see DC during XH time with them.

No longer your responsibility.

Original poster
luna122 · 22/11/2025 07:10

My children are 16,9,3. 9 year old wants to spend whole day with me, 3 year old is still to young to really understand and 16 year old doesn’t mind.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/11/2025 07:14

If you make the plan, you have the control. If you let them organise it, you may not like what they say. Speak to DC and ask what they want.

Tell him, the kids have decided they’d like to go to granny’s for tea. Come and get them at 4pm.

SharonEllis · 22/11/2025 07:17

Discuss it with your children and centre their needs. That's all that matters. And I agree with others that you should turn the situation around to see it as being in your control.

ButtonMushrooms · 22/11/2025 07:18

To reiterate what @Barnbrack said: it's only on your shoulders if you accept it. It's for your ex to facilitate the DC spending time with his parents. Personally I would stop communicating with his parents at all.

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

WallTree · 22/11/2025 07:20

I think you need to come to an arrangement soon. I don't think it should just be kids' preference either. When families split, Christmas is normally something that is a focus of any custody arrangement details.

Either you arrange with ex that one of you has the kids in the morning and the other in the afternoon for Christmas day, or you agree an every second year arrangement for Christmas Day. This does need sorting, though, and your ex's preferences are important here, as well as yours and the kids'.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBatgirl · 22/11/2025 07:21

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

Or the gps can pick up or their dad can? Why wouldn’t they?

ttcat37 · 22/11/2025 07:22

“Hi Barbara. The kids are with me this Christmas. If you would like to see the children, please arrange it with your son during the time he has them, not directly with me. Thanks.”
Ignore all future contact

Eenameenadeeka · 22/11/2025 07:24

I don't it's your responsibility to take them over, but it's probably time to make a plan with your ex. If everyone is local, he can collect them and take them for a visit for a couple of hours, then you aren't responsible for hosting them or taking the children round.

Whoevenarethey · 22/11/2025 07:25

You and your ex need to make a decision over the arrangements. Not addressing the situation isn't going to help. You need to decide whether the day will be split, and he can have the children for the afternoon for example. During that time it's up to him what he does (such as seeing his parents/letting the children see the grandparents). Else you need to make the decision that Christmas day they are with you and boxing day with him, and again it is up to him to make arrangements for that day.
The ex in laws need to talk to their son and you need to politely say this if they are contacting you for access.

What are your usual arrangements for seeing the children? As that is also sometimes what it can be based on e.g if it's his usual day then he has them (which may be tough for you).

WhereDidSummerGoAgain · 22/11/2025 07:26

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

Their best interests aren't necessarily seeing their grandparents on Christmas day. They could see them on Boxing day, for example.

The OP has left her ex. She doesn't need to prioritise what others want.

Her middle child wants to spend the day with her.

thepariscrimefiles · 22/11/2025 07:29

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

Why can't OP's ex-husband sort this out? One of the advantages of being separated or divorced is that OP is no longer responsible for facilitating the relationship with her ex-PILs.

Silverbirchleaf · 22/11/2025 07:29

Take control of the situation now. Don’t let others decide what’s happening. Explain that the children will be you, and ex will have them in the afternoon, or whenever ( Boxing Day?),, and if he wants to bring them over, then he will.

WhereDidSummerGoAgain · 22/11/2025 07:32

OP I'm with the others who have said this is a chance to take control. I would say you suggest the DC spend Christmas with you and Boxing day woth them. And you can alternate every year. (If you would be happy to do this).

The problem with letting the DC decide is that only works if no one is going to put pressure on them. I understand you genuinely want them to do what they want, but unless the other adults are also on board, they may find themselves at the centre of an emotional tug of war and it won't be fun for them.

This is a chance for you to negotiate it to be as you want it to be, set some ground rules for future years.

What does a lovely Christmas with the DC where you're not catering for your ex and his family look like? How can you make this happen?

Good luck OP, I hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Lindy2 · 22/11/2025 07:32

I think you need to set the boundaries now or you'll have this expectation on you forever more.

They haven't adjusted to the fact that you are separated now and they need a reality check.

There's no spending Christmas with your ex. You are no longer a couple. He just wants Christmas sorted for him with no effort on his part.

There's no you taking the kids to his parents. He does that now.

I'd suggest a very clear approach to your ex.

Possibly the kids with you until after lunch and he can then collect them to take to his parents.

Alternatively Christmas day with one of you and Boxing day with the other and alternate each year.

Don't fall into their plan of your separated but you'll still provide their Christmas for them.

Communicate with your ex regarding this. Message him today to say you need to sort the Christmas arrangements. Communicating with his parents is down to him.

Notsandwiches · 22/11/2025 07:35

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

They have a son to facilitate that, if he was dead it'd be different but he's not. This is not OPs responsibility. OP doesn't need to make up for his shortcomings.

chunkyBoo · 22/11/2025 07:35

What did you want to do this year? Go to your family? Be home with the children? With friends? … I think you should speak to your ex and say what you’re doing and he can have the kids on xyz day/s and his parents can see them then.
dont be put upon now you’ve got out of that relationship

hardliquormixedwithabitofintellect · 22/11/2025 07:36

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

It’s nothing to do with him vs her. They have separated and it’s his side of the family so his responsibility. She isn’t preventing the children from seeing their grandparents, she just doesn’t need to take on the organising and facilitating.