To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

[luna122]

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

Given his limited parenting time, I would suggest the children stay with you for the duration of Christmas and overnight and that he pick them up in the morning on Boxing Day.

If he doesn’t normally have them overnight, he really isn’t prepared to split Christmas Day in any reasonable way. The children would have to spend too much of the day transitioning back and forth.

he can make whatever arrangements for Boxing Day that he wishes.

Hey Margaret, we haven’t discussed Christmas yet, but I will not be responsible for you getting to see or not see the kids.
That is now Dave’s job, as per our agreement.
I would prefer if you saw them on Boxing Day so Dave can bring them round to you then.
There will be no further discussion.

Then just ignore anything else. You get Christmas how you want, and they see the kids the day after for another Christmas Day, how exciting!!

I didn’t get the impression that she didn’t get on with Inlaws

just that she always did the cooking in Xmas day so didn’t feel it was Xmas as such
which I bet. If you always cook it’s not enjoyable as if being cooked for

It she put up with then coming each Xmas I assumed it wasn’t that bad

@Blondeshavemorefun

They aren't being lovely i don't think, based on this

What that they don’t see them a lot ?

The dad sounds naff as in not wanting to see his kids

A good response. Just tell MiL you are planning on having a relaxing Xmas and not going out on Xmas day. She needs to sort any arrangements with her ds.

The GPs only see the kids a few times a year and are uninterested the rest of the time and the ex-H only sees his children for 6 hours a week - but suddenly expect OP to run around because it's Christmas and "fam-lee"

Op clearly doesn't feel they're being all that great, so maybe we should listen to her? Crazy idea I know, but is it possible she knows her own situation better than you do with all your "so sad 😞 for the in laws" talk.

Op, you know them better than we do. If you don't feel they are being supportive and if you don't want to be responsible for making sure your dcs see them around Christmas, do not feel you have to. Posters saying, "but MY in laws are ever so SWEET to me 🥹....so you have to entertain yours even if it isn't convenient", can do one

Do you order them to appear and expect them to jump?

They will just have to recognise they have to try harder with their own son , and that he’s a crap dad

Just say, “You’ll need to check with Dave, Sandra. I don’t know what his plans are but I’m sure he’ll want to bring the kids to see you over the holidays”.

That. A lot of the other suggestions are unnecessarily abrupt.

No but they invite and see us same as I do them

yes obv op shouldn’t jump to their attention but if they normally see kids on Xmas day then why can’t op say yes and arrange it to suit her

whether she drops off / picks up at time that suits her

i seem to be in the minority which is fine

sounds doubtful ex will sort out something

I think you should say to exMIL, as you have to spilt christmas now youll be spending Xmas with your family but if she speaks to exH he will sort out when hes taking them

Absolutely they should come first. But it's not in their best interests to see their mother being dictated to and her just jumping.

ExPILs could come see them. ExH (their father) could collect and take them over. They should all be acting in the children's best interests, not just landing it on their mother.

Who on earth writes stuff like this?

“There will be no further discussion” 🥴

OP decide what you want to do for Christmas and let the kids know. They must be wondering what is going on and I suspect your 16 year old is more bothered than they’re making out. Once it’s out in the open it’ll be easier.

That’s a horrible thing to say. It isn’t the in-laws fault that the marriage has ended. They have been in their DILs life for over 16 years. It may be different now but I don’t think it’s a reason to end their relationship altogether.

I would work out something where maybe he has the children in the morning and you in the afternoon or one has them christmas eve and one has them christmas day maybe. I certainly wouldn't be spending the day with my ex.

This. It is no longer the OP's job to facilitate this relationship. It never was, really, but certainly now she can just tell them all to leave her out of it.

You need to think how you plan to split Xmas. Maybe your ex can have Xmas eve and you can do Xmas day this year.

I think this is pretty easy. You and the DC spend the day together he can collect them Boxing Day and do what ever he wishes such as visit his parents.

You are happy to witch next year unless the DC have a strong preference not to.

The problem would be that it would be a bit weird for the DC to see their GP but not their father on Christmas Day. After all he’s used to seeing them too! And it will make it harder for OP to set clear boundaries.

I can almost guarantee that Ex will take them to his parents whichever day he has them - otherwise he would have to cook & look after them himself!

I don’t think the GP are being unreasonable in asking OP, but the correct reply is:

’Thanks for inviting us, but the children are at home with me on Christmas Day. Ex is having them on Boxing Day. You’ll need to arrange things with him, but I’m sure he be happy to see you both then.’

Last year my ex called me on Christmas Eve at 5pm to tell me he was picking the kids up at 6pm to have dinner with his family..no prior notice ...of course we already had plans with my family at this point as I had heard nothing from him regarding Christmas... let's see if this year he is more organized. I doubt it. Unfortunately as a lot of women are natural organisers and love to make the special Christmas memories for their family...these types of men think that we will continue to do the leg-work...stand your ground, you will set the expectations for the future if you do this.

I think you need to be more assertive. Sort out with your ex when the children will be with him and when they will be with you. Tell GPs to sort out with their son when they can see the kids. Their contact time is not your responsibility and don’t be guilted by your ex into spending Christmas Day with him if you don’t want to. As long as the children see their Dad sometime over the Christmas period assuming the children want to see him.

These grandparents don’t see their dgc, they’ve just decided they’d like to, for their benefit not for the dgc.