To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

[luna122]

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

I'd just say. Sorry. Won't be able to do that this year. Then don't elaborate. I've learnt now as a people pleaser of 40+ years the best way is to just say no without explaining why. Then no chance to engage further. If they do come back and say "why?", simply : Afraid it doesn't fit in with my preorganised plans. You are welcome to ask X if he wants to bring them over for an hour, but otherwise we will have to meet another day.

This. Not having a go at OP, but they seem pawns in all this.

I agree that this is the time you need to be assertive, especially after your last update.

’Hi Ex, I think it will be less confusing for DC if they spend Christmas at home with me this year. I’m happy for you to pick them up on Boxing Day morning and keep them overnight if you wish.’

After Christmas, talk to the older DC & see if they would prefer to do it differently next year. If it’s really about what is best for the DC, this is unlikely to be splitting the day traipsing here & there - even if it makes it ‘fairer’ for the parents.

I can see why in a lot of divorces it is impossible to spend time together but if you CAN stomach it, for the kids, just for one day, then I think making it lovely particularly for the younger ones, then I think you should, but with the massive caveat above.

You need to speak to your ex, one suggestion is he collects the children at a set time (do you want the faff of cooking dinner?) and he can then do what he wants including seeing his parents. If you aren’t fancying cooking a Christmas dinner I would suggest you have them Christmas Eve until Christmas Day and have a lovely morning with fancy brunch together and he collects early afternoon bringing them back Boxing Day (or you collect them on Boxing Day, perhaps if you feel you can do it for the kids meet him and them at a place for a walk together then you take them home, less pressure than spending Christmas Day together but shows dc that they are important plus you need to maintain a relationship with this man whether you like it or not, these low key civil things help, we found that we sorted most of our divorce settlement walking the dog together (complicated backstory to that but it was helpful and saved ££££’s in legal fees)

I would say why not get the "new normal" started straight away?

Lovely CD with mum, lovely BD with Dad & GPs.

Tell him he can take the kids to his parents on Boxing Day. End of discussion.

Ignore attempts to guilt you. His opinion is no longer relevant to you.

I am curious though; you have apparently been together a long time and recently had another child by him after a long gap. How did it all go to shit since that seemed like a good idea?

OP has just provided some more information and context about these grandparents:

'The grandparents only see the children a handful of times a year. We live 5 minutes away from them. They never make the effort. Never ask to see/have them and now it’s Christmas Day they do. I feel it’s more for them than the children.'

She has also confirmed that her ex-husband has them for a total of 6 hours per week.

OP is certainly under no obligation to pander to these selfish people who clearly don't really give a fuck about their own children/grandchildren.

OP's ex-husband is obviously lazy and wants to spend Christmas Day with OP and his kids as he will just sit back and let her do all the work and the grandparents are obviously just concerned about appearances as they have shown no love or concern about their grandchildren throughout the rest of the year. They don't get to pretend to be grandparents of the year on Christmas Day.

Being grandparents doesn't give automatic rights to seeing children on Xmas day, especially now the parents are split.

Op it sounds like your DCs would be happy to stay at home all day Xmas day, so tell the ex he can have boxing day and he's free to do what he wants with it including taking the kids to see his parents.

Sorry but this is very confusing for young children. It could give mixed messages about mum and dad getting back together.

It sounds like dad only wants to turn up for the glory of being a hands on dad when it suits him (and I assume he would like to be there on Christmas day so he can act as if he bought the presents and was involved in planning the day).
I definitely wouldn't put in any message to him that the 9 year old wants to stay home and I would keep it between parents - 'this year it would be best for the children to stay home with me, and for you to have them boxing day'. I think mentioning what the children have said brings them into a battle with dad potentially then emotionally blackmailing them when he next sees them, saying how sad he will be that he will be on his own/sad they didn't choose to spend the day with him.

So I take it you dont care about kindling good relations with them since split ?

I’d send a message to X.
“Hello, You need to speak to your parents about your Xmas plans, since they are asking.
FYO. There is no plan including me”

So true.

That's actually a really good point about not mentioning what 9yo wants in case he uses it to manipulate her. I said earlier to mention it but this poster is right I think and you shouldn't disclose that. I didn't think that one through.

my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility.

Yes, it is his responsibility. You need to decide between you and ex which of you have the children when. eg. You have them from Christmas Eve until Christmas Day late afternoon and then he has them from Christmas Day evening until Boxing Day or whatever you decide.
And in the time you each have them you take them to the respective grandparents or other relatives or whoever.
Don't do a joint Christmas Day, it's too confusing for them and it's better to get used to separate Christmases now before new partners get involved and the joint Christmases aren't possible anymore. And you don't take the children to the ex- in laws because he should be facilitating the relationship between his children and their grandparents on his side.

You’ve facilitated your ex and his parents having a lovely lazy Christmas Day for years so finally, you’re free of them and their ridiculous demands. Hurrah!!

Start as you mean to go on and set firm boundaries and they’ll have to get used to you not being their wee Cinderella.

Plan your Christmas Day to suit you and the children.

When Ex finally gets around to asking about Xmas plans, tell him he can collect them on Boxing Day. Don’t give him or his parents an inch.

Playing happy families after a separation isn't always lovely for the kids, it can be a nightmare of confusion and repeated loss when it doesn't turn out to put everything back the way it was, or the day is tense because your parents are eggshell walking around each other. Better to settle them to how things will be and to find the new traditions and things to enjoy together.

MIL is a no brainer - he isn't going to take the time to make sure the kids have time with your parents and take them personally, is he? His job is to keep his kids in contact with his parents and family on his time. That he's a dead loss at this is something his parents are going to have to work on him about, you're separated now.

It should be lead by the 16 and 9 yo. Usually in these situations Christmas Day is either split 50:50 (which I don’t personally recommend because my Christmases were like this as a child and I don’t have fond memories of it) or each parent has the full Christmas Day on alternate years. I think I’d say he can have them on Boxing Day this year with his parents too and next year he can have Christmas Day.

Um the dad spends 6 hours a week with them, so I think the idea of alternating Christmas day with him is a joke.

This

He can sort it out. You need to start drawing boundaries, especially as from what you have said they are lazy grandparents. If you aren't careful, you will be running after ex and in-laws forever

Why on earth would grandparents be necessary for that?

Plan your own Christmas without them. Any suggestions from either just be really really surprised they'd expect you to be at their Xmas beck and call

Surely the kids will be seeing their dad on Xmas day and so the ex in-laws can just go to his and see them there as normal.

Perhaps the ex in-laws are trying to show you that they still want a relationship with you type thing.
I can’t see why they would just see the kids at his.

If he can’t host everyone then he could just pick up the kids from yours and take them to his parents, especially as it’s so close.

@luna122 do you have any local family or friends to spend Christmas day with you and the kids? You seem vulnerable to manipulation from the ex in-laws and your ex DH and think you need someone in your corner.

It seems like your ex DH and in-laws will try to use your kids to get you back into your box as a support human for their wants. Being honest do they want to actually see the kids on Christmas day or just want you to do all the grunt work of cooking and hosting?

Maybe take this opportunity to set your boundaries and start a new Christmas routine OP. Share the day equally and separately or agree a day each over Christmas, then rotate every year. Christmas can be any day, with a bit of spin on Santas visit for little ones! Be clear with ex about what you won’t be doing and what options you have in mind. You can make new routines and traditions exciting for the kids.

In law’s are definitely not your responsibility any more. His to arrange.