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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

183 replies

luna122 · 22/11/2025 06:35

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

OP posts:
ThatBlackCat · 24/11/2025 03:31

You don't mention your parents. What about them? Don't they ever have you over for Christmas or see their grandchildren?

Misanthropologie · 24/11/2025 04:06

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:43

On Christmas Day? I think OP should be the bigger person and make sure her children have the best day possible

Being shuttled around to accommodate various relatives might not be 'the best day possible'.

thepariscrimefiles · 24/11/2025 06:53

Lockdownsceptic · 23/11/2025 18:30

That’s a horrible thing to say. It isn’t the in-laws fault that the marriage has ended. They have been in their DILs life for over 16 years. It may be different now but I don’t think it’s a reason to end their relationship altogether.

Her in-laws have never made any effort to see their grandchildren, even when OP was married to their son.

One of the benefits of OP splitting from her shitty ex is that it is no longer her job to facilitate the relationship with his parents. That is his job now.

Pineapplewaves · 24/11/2025 09:49

You and your ex need to decide who is having the children where and when over the Christmas holiday - then MIL needs to speak to her son to make arrangements to see her GC during his time to have them if you don’t want to attend (some people would be happy to continue seeing the in-laws and some would not).

MIL needs to accept that she may no longer see GC every Christmas Day but there is also Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve and Day and every other day of the school holidays in which she can see them.

Gossipisgood · 24/11/2025 12:54

Ask the kids what they'd like to do. If they really don't mind make arrangements with your ex for them to go to him at a certain time, when you've opened presents & had Dinner etc. Then if his Mum asks what time she's seeing the kids explain they'll be with ex from xx time she can arrange things with him. Don't be the one sorting his day for him, do what suits you & the kids & if he doesn't like it tell him to speak with the kids himself to see what they want to do. Let the kids know you're happy for them to do what they want & you'll go with their wishes & won't be upset if they chose to go to Dads or spend time with their Grandparents.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 24/11/2025 12:59

Gossipisgood · 24/11/2025 12:54

Ask the kids what they'd like to do. If they really don't mind make arrangements with your ex for them to go to him at a certain time, when you've opened presents & had Dinner etc. Then if his Mum asks what time she's seeing the kids explain they'll be with ex from xx time she can arrange things with him. Don't be the one sorting his day for him, do what suits you & the kids & if he doesn't like it tell him to speak with the kids himself to see what they want to do. Let the kids know you're happy for them to do what they want & you'll go with their wishes & won't be upset if they chose to go to Dads or spend time with their Grandparents.

No, do not put the burden and pressure on the children to navigate the emotional tightrope. That’s so inappropriate and unfair.

The adults decide the schedule and the ex deals with his mother on his time.

Hopingtobeaparent · 24/11/2025 15:57

Barnbrack · 22/11/2025 06:39

It's only on your shoulders if you take it. Sorry Margaret, I'm spending my Christmas how I choose this year, I'm sure you understand, you'll have to speak to Malcolm about what his plans with the kids are as I can't help you there. Bye now

This.

JoClogs · 03/12/2025 23:23

Thingsaretight · 22/11/2025 07:19

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

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