To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

[luna122]

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

Totally agree with this. Since he hasn’t proposed anything, I’d put forward your preferred proposal with a willingness to swap next year. Although I guess in reality the 16 year old at 17 next year could decide what they want.

Agree with all PPs that they should be seeing the kids on his time and contacting him about visiting.

We do every other year. When it's my year to have DS Christmas day, ex picks him up at 11am boxing day and has him til 3pm on the 27th.
When it's his turn to have DS Xmas day, he picks up at 6.30 Xmas eve and drops off at 11am boxing day.

It needs tweaking every now and again due to regular contact weekends - this year ex is having him 6.30pm Xmas eve through to the Saturday after Christmas as it didn't make sense for DS to come back for a few hours on the Friday just to go again for the weekend. Ex agreed to bring him home a day early to make up for my missed time.

Eventually you'll get to the point where those sorts of conversations are possible but for now, make a plan with him and stick to it for the kids sake (not so much the 16yo, they can do what they like really)

Their best interests may well be staying with their mum and having a nice relaxing day at home. If someone thinks their best interests are something different then it’s up to them to arrange and facilitate it.

Absolutely it’s your exe’s responsibility to take his children to see his parents. You are no longer together. It’s quite cheeky of your MIL to assume differently.

I agree with this, offering boxing day is a good alternative. Especially when he won't put in the effort at Christmas. Offer it so he can visit his parents with the kids (whoever wants to go). Then he can drop them off.

How did she phrase it? as your phrasing makes MIL sound unreasonable but if it was just that MIL has invited you and DC over she isn't U to do that and actually quite nice to still include you. But you aren't U to decline and leave it to ex to take them.

You think the grandparents' needs are the most important thing? It's up to their son to make arrangements with them. The end.

On Christmas Day? I think OP should be the bigger person and make sure her children have the best day possible

Ideally everyone should have some company but no one "needs" to see anyone on christmas day (some day over christmas yes maybe but it doesnt have to be christmas day itself)

Have a nice calm day and dont be fecking about trying to cook dinner and drive over.
incan imagone it now one of the kids whining and upset because their oversozed toy from santa cant fit in the car but GP visit is only hrs and they'll be reunited soon.
4hrs later ypu arr back everyones crabby qnd hungry amd about to eat a slightly hard undercooked roast.

No no no....

"Hi sandra and bob, it's been a hard year for everyone so this year we are having a low key christmas and spending the day at home. I'm happy to drop the kids off for a hours on boxing dau or 27th. Let me know which one works best for you."
.

Best day possible doesn't necessarily mean seeing grandparents though.

Agree that you need to make arrangements and it's not fair to ask the children to pick favourites here.
As OO have said, either offer a Xmas day split in 2 (Xmas eve through to lunch and then handover for rest of Xmas day to Boxing day),or a Xmas day/boxing day split. And be prepared to take Boxing day.

I would tell PILS that you and ex haven’t decided on Christmas arrangements yet, but they should probably contact him directly.

You need to agree Christmas arrangements now. It's not fair to ask the kids to choose, it needs to be part of the custody agreement.

But I agree them seeing the grandparents should be in whatever time it is agreed exdh will have them. You choose who you see in your time. Even if that's not Christmas day - we like to have several Christmas celebrations with different relatives, and we aren't even separated. Much more fun to spread it out than see Christmas as one day.

This is excellent. How the OP behaves this year will affect the tone for future years.

If the children normally live with you then this year at least they should wake up in their own house on Christmas Day. The 9 year old has already said they want to stay with you.

Everyone, especially the DC, have to get used to their new lives. I would suggest that this year it’s best to spend the whole day at home with you. Ex can collect them on Boxing Day & take them to GP if he wishes.

I also think the split over future Christmases depends on Ex’s level of involvement. If he has the DC 50:50 then he gets half of the Christmases. If he only has them 2 days a fortnight, then he gets one Christmas Day every 7 years.

No. No. No.

These people are her ex in-laws. She’s ended her marriage with their son. She isn’t required to do any more ferrying about.

Her ex is still alive - if he wants to facilitate a visit he needs to have that conversation.

The OP is not obliged to continue to do everything.

Why should she! If she doesn’t stop catering for everyone else she will be this family’s servant for the rest of her life. Fuck that. Have the Christmas you want for a change. Tell your husband he can see them in the afternoon or next day. Do not engage with the ILs.

You're pretty much the only person in this thread that has asked about the kids' thoughts. Even the OP didn't. Sadly it says a lot about adults these days.

The OP said the 9 year old wants to spend the day with her & the 3 year old is too young to express an opinion.

NO. He can take the kids to see his parents.

The wife work stops when you're not the wife lol

The OP has said this. She has said the 16 year old isn't fussed, 9 year old wants to stay home and the 3 year old isn't old enough to be able to make this decision.

Realistically though it is the adults who need to make the decision for the younger two. Saying they can choose is more likely to lead to emotional manipulation of 'but daddy will miss you, won't it be nice if daddy is there too like normal'. The OP even states this in the first post how he can be manipulative. The parents need to be grown up about this and focus on co parenting and having clear boundaries. This can help make it easier for the children too, knowing that on Christmas day they see mum, boxing day they see dad.

I agree you’ve got to bite the bullet. And contact your ex, his parents are his problem. ‘Hi ex, we need to lock in Christmas Day. Your mum has been messaging me, but it’s up to you if you take the kids there or host at yours when you collect them for tea. What time would you like? 4pm? I could push lunch forward and have them ready earlier if you like.

OP has said what the middle child wants, and that the other two, for different reasons, don't have opinions.

But with the children, going by what they claim to want is never going to work well. They won't always agree, and frankly, they're not the only people that matter at Christmas.

OP is in a good position here, given that her ex hasn't brought it up. She can take control by deciding (fairly) what her preference would be. A morning/afternoon split, or alternating Christmas Day and Boxing Day each year. Then she can communicate that to ex, tell him when he's got them this year, and let him pass that on to the in-laws

Thats also fair... to be fair 😅

Especially as op reads like shes tolerated the in laws vs actually liking them.

Either way we agree. No driving on xmas day!!!
i'm an advocate of spending christmas in my own home on my arse with mince pies or ferrero and a big drink...

You need to sit down with ex and sort Christmas out for this year and the future. Make it clear that each of you is responsible for facilitating contact with your own family. So his time = he makes arrangements for his parents.

While I agree that seeing grandparents is important, I don't think it's OP'S duty to arrage visits to ex PIL.