To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

[luna122]

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

While that’s his responsibility I have to say try to come up with a plan for the kids, you said they can choose to be with who they want for as long as they want. That’s a very unfair choice to put in on them. This will all go easier if you plan it together which seems ridiculous but it will

She might not be a wife but the grandparents are still grandparents! Why on earth not put dc first? All this dividing dc like a cake doesn’t help anyone. Least of all them! If grandparents are kind, decent people, why not involve them? Maybe negotiate Boxing Day? Why do dc deserve to be denied grandparents at Christmas? Their lives have already been placed in turmoil so why not be accommodating of people who might actually offer support to them in the future instead of perpetuating a battle ground?

The op still has to cook for 4. It’s not a work free Christmas is it?

Velvian

I think you need to get something sorted with ex . If you're the parent that does all the stockings and gets DCs' favourite treats in, then Xmas Eve and Xmas morning should definitely be with you.

or ex needs to step up and she needs to tell him what she usually does. They may be split up but it can’t be good parent, shit parent, it needs to be two parents who don’t love each other but give their kids the best possible care

This.

Otherwise you are going to get into a battle with 'your time', 'his time' and 'their time' as if they have rights to the children.

Parental rights are just parental rights not grandparents rights.

It's just a mess to do if you try and accommodate them. That's taking from 'your time' when it should be from 'his time' as it's his family time. You family time is your family. There are now two families.

Why is it the OP responsibility to facilitate the children seeing her ex ILs? She’s not stopping them, she’s simply questioning why they don’t talk to their son about it? He should facilitate this during his time.

I don’t want this to be a drip feed so i’ll try put as much of a back story on this post. the grandparents only see the children a handful of times a year. We live 5 minutes away from them. They never make the effort. Never ask to see/have them and now it’s Christmas Day they do. I feel it’s more for them than the children. Ex partner only has the children on the days i’m at work when he has to pick them
up after school/nursery which in total is 6 hours a week. He never asks to see them on my days off. They are now so used to it primarily just being us 4. I’m just annoyed maybe even frustrated that even after separation i’m still expected to say how high when they say jump. The reason i haven’t asked ex about Christmas is because i know he will just try and make me feel guilty for not wanting to spend the day together.

Maybe the best day ever is having a cosy day at home with their mum and siblings, and not traipsing all day.

I agree. You just went along with the flow.

That's actually not how it works. This woman does not have to sort everything for everyone.

It's not about guilt. It's about a workable and fair arrangement for all.

Just do it by text.

Hi Ex, I’ve been thinking about Christmas. How about we alternate, so this year the kids stay with me Christmas Day and you have them Boxing Day, and next year we swap.

dont even mention grandparents at this stage, just get sorted which days you’re each having the kids. Sort grandparents later. Dont reply to MIL

The in laws are cheeky fuckers. Having seen your update, my response to this would be very brief.

"Please context Dick regarding Christmas. He'll be responsible for all arrangements now we're separated"

His parents = his time. Don't do it to yourself.

Yanbu. Just say no, it won't work this year - 9yo wants to stay with you and you want to stay at home.

Talk to your ex though as you need to have a plan for christmasses now you aren't together. Maybe alternate christmasses so he gets them next year? Could you also do Christmas eve with one parent then christmas day with the other then meet up for boxing day walk (if you actually want to)

What do you think would be best for the kids in the long term (ie future Christmas days as well)?

We alternate Christmas, with one parent having the run-up and Christmas Day, then kids going to other parent on Boxing Day morning.

It annoys me a bit that kids spend 90% of time with me but ex gets every other Christmas, but only a bit… we just do Christmas on Boxing Day every other year. Kids have always been positive about ‘2 Christmas days’ and nobody has to faff about travelling on the day.

Let’s face it you are not going to spend Christmas with your ex every year. So it’s a good time to set up a long term arrangement now.

Seeing his parents (whether on Christmas Day or any other day) needs to happen on his contact time and via his arrangement.

Reply to your in laws 'please sort this out with your son' and have a lovely Christmas Day at home with your children, @luna122 . Also congratulations on offloading all these half-assed, entitled part-time family members, especially your ex 💐

@luna122 Just read your last post. Time to stop letting how others dictate your time, and to take control. Be assertive. Tell him that this is what’s going to happen. Maybe two options. A) you gave them all for Christmas Day and him all on Boxing Day, or b) half and half. Don’t pussyfoot around others, and if they get upset, so what. It’s not your job to manage their emotions.

Drop him a text saying. The children will be staying at home Christmas Day. Can he collect them at 9:30 on Boxing Day? If he tries to make you feel guilty just ignore and keep asking the question re Boxing Day - that is your only involvement in his )and his parents) Christmas -the time he is going to pick them up.

Zero. Guilt. Offer him to collect them at 3 or 4pm. If he kicks off say stop with the ridiculous, if you cared that much you’d want to see them more than 6 hours a week. We can try this again next year.

@Thingsaretight

there are two parents. Dad should be taking them to see his parents. Why is it Mums responsibility ?

Who knows if they even want to go and see the grand parents anyway

“ Hi exMIL, plans around Xmas have yet to be discussed with xh once they are arranged he can then plan when he will be bringing them to you”

then message xh and state “we need to decide upon the arrangements for Xmas”

suggest he gets them Xmas afternoon/evening or Boxing Day and can then do his Christmas plans with them.

It isn’t? You’ve addressed it already. You’ve said it’s his responsibility. End of discussion. No need for the post.

The in-laws need to see them on his time now. It's not your job (and never should have been) to facilitate a relationship between your ex's family and your DC. He needs to do it now.

So, reply to MIL that once you've made agreed how it's going to work with him seeing the DC on Xmas Day, he can then arrange to visit in-laws with the DC on his time. Then politely disengage. If they don't like it, explain this is the norm when parents separate.

I’d reply with

Hi mil, hope you’re ok. We’re still sorting out how we’re organising Christmas this year. Once we’ve finalised it all, you’ll be best messaging Dick about when he’ll pop up to yours with the kids.
thanks

Maybe OP just wanted to confirm her thinking was right? No need to be prickly about it!