To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

[luna122]

I separated from my ex earlier this year, and so far we haven't discussed Christmas arrangements, which I know we should have by now. It's an awkward topic because I know he ideally wants us to spend it together, but I don't. I anticipate he will be angry when I tell him I don't want to spend the day at his place. He can be quite manipulative and often claims it's for the children, when in reality, it's for his benefit. I'm completely fine with the children spending the day with whoever they choose for as long as they want. For the past 16 years, his parents have always come to our house for dinner and to give the children their gifts, but I’ve always been the one catering for everyone. It often felt like Christmas was a celebration for everyone else, rather than for me. This year, since I'm not there, my ex-in-laws have decided they won’t come over and instead want me to take the children to see them. I feel that this should be my ex's responsibility. I spoke with my ex-mother-in-law today, and she hasn’t even discussed his plans with him yet. I’m just really frustrated that this is being placed on my shoulders.

Why on earth would grandparents be necessary for that?

You know my ILs don't you?😂

Come on op, time to put yourself first. Sounds like it’s a long time coming. Enjoy!!

Mother work? Not parent work then, it specifically requires a vagina?

That, except the other way round. Make the plans with ex first. Otherwise they'll be nagging him to have them more, or at different times then you might choose. The negotiations about which parent has the kids when, should only be between you and him.

So
1 - decide what arrangement you would like
2 - tell him of your plan and agree it
3 - tell them that they need to talk to him about when he's bringing them

No one is saying the kids won't see the grandparents at all, just not on Christmas day, and not with OP arranging it. Grandparents really aren't the priority here, and maybe if they'd treated op better, she'd be more keen to spend time with them, but they didn't, they took her for granted and are continuing to do so.

I think a lot depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with your children's grandparents going forward, what kind of relationship you want them to have with their grandparents, and whether you think your ex-husband is capable of fostering those relationships and putting his kids first.

If my ex's parents had still been alive with we split, they would not have been my enemy (they'd probably have been on my side) and I would have continued an affectionate relationship with them quite separate from my relationship with their son. I loved them and enjoyed their company, so it would have been of benefit to me as well as my kids to keep that relationship going.

If you want nothing further to do with the in-laws now you and your ex have split, then let him take the responsibility for keeping that grandparent-grandchild relationship going.

Tell them to speak to their son, he’s not shared his plans with you, but he can take them to visit

otherwise, tell them they’re always welcome to pop in for a cuppa and a quick hello/ presents

OP says the 9 year old wants to stay at home and the 16 year old isn't bothered

”Ex, I’m getting Christmas plans organised. This year the children will be with me Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. Can you collect them 10am on Boxing Day for whatever celebrations you have planned. Let me know if you will bring them back that day or the following day, either is fine with me”

“Yes, Christmas is getting close, isn’t it? Have you spoken to John about it? This year is going to be difficult for everyone but we’ll all just have to get on with things. Speak to John and he can tell you when he’s worked something out.

Mm-hmm, you’ll need to ask John about that.

Yeah…SPEAK. TO. JOHN”

<click>

This is no longer your problem to resolve.

His parents, his circus. MIL might get pissy at how useless her son actually is at being a functioning family member but she raised him 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I shall be going through this probably next year or whenever my DH has decided living with me is so utterly unbearable he’s going to move to a 2 bed flat an hour away from the DC he wants to be a better dad to which he’s going to do by putting them through a divorce! His mum’s advice when he first told her he wasn’t happy being married was “Suck it up otherwise I won’t be able to see DGC”. She would be described as a lovely, loving wonderful mum and MIL. Interesting when you find out what people are really like!).

I wouldn’t communicate whatsoever with your ex in-laws. (I don’t with mine).

And as for your ex trying to make you feel guilty, mine is like that. A useful phrase is an incredulous “why would I do that, we are not together”.

You have split up for a reason, don’t ever doubt yourself x

Do whatever is best for the children. If the GPs are decent people and a positive part of your DCs life then you want to keep that relationship going forward.

Best thing I ever did was make sure my DC retained a positive relationship with my ex InLaws. The ex moved away and remarried, went into a love bubble with his new wife and new DC, so the GPs were there for my DC in emergencies, school plays, sports days etc. (my own DPs are dead). My own relationship with them was better post divorce than it had been when I was married as we were all putting the DC first and recognised that.

I think you are entirely free to do what you want at Xmas and the kids should likewise be free to decide. I would try and be clear now with Ex on this. I certainly would not be ferrying anyone round, but usually the kids could spend some time with the in-laws and your ex. Perhaps for example, he could collect them after lunch? 16 year old being optional

Disappointing tho they are, the 'ex in laws' are still the grandparents.

You are not however their social secretary / kinkeeper / chauffeur. As a separate person you have your own life and your own plans. And those won't include saying how high when they say jump. There are going to be some changes, including informing them confidently and assertively what the plans are, not asking them.

Email him on the dedicated email you will have created solely for co-parenting arrangements (and keeping records) with 'the children have decided they'd like to say home with me and have Christmas Day at home. If you and the grandparents would like to see them over the holiday, please do make arrangements with your parents for coming and collecting them on Boxing Day morning and returning them later. They do have football / party / play date etc the following day so will need to be back by xx.'

In the face of moaning and manipulation: 'as I say, we have decided to have Christmas at home. They're looking forward to visiting you all on Boxing Day and I'll make sure they're ready.'

Everything in writing. Just in case.

@OhDear111
Any particular reason the father cannot facilitate the contact? Why is it a woman’s responsibility? I had to get divorced for my ex to start parenting his children. My ExMIL died before the divorce but I would have most certainly not facilitated the contact if she had been alive. XH facilitates contact with ExBIL’s family in his time as we have 50:50 and when he tried to use my time to do it, was firmly told ‘no’.

So the gp don’t see them much but you get on with them

maybe suggest a time that suits you. To take to theirs. Have a drink and open pressies then dad can come over. You go home and he /in-laws bring back to you at a time you want

I’m assuming they won’t be staying at his 25th night

Quite. It can be hard enough dividing Christmas between 2 parents, without a third element trying to claim time

OP, why would you entertain this for even a minute?

Not happening.
Time to block your inlaws.
No need for you to have any contact.

They want a family photo probably.
Don't be manipulated by your Bare minimum dad Ex.

You don't have to have ANYTHING further to do with his family.

The GPs may well be gutted that they won’t see their grandchildren on Christmas Day. I’d suggest (if you can bear it!) inviting them round for a couple of hours say 11-1pm ie before lunch. It’s up to them if they take you up on the offer. Tell your ex that the DC will be with you on Christmas Day this year, what time would he like to pick them up on Boxing Day?

Remember this is an Ex MIL, she should be organising things with her son not you. Set yourself totally free and block her. Keep all communication with Ex DH short, to the point and only about the kids and sorting out the details of your divorce.

No! She's split with her ex. It's not her job to carry on facilitating Christmas for everyone else.

Did you not read the bit where she said everyone has been happy to take advantage of her labour for years, but she's never felt Christmas was a celebration for her?

Who on earth should she continue this dynamic now she's left her ex?

Many Grandparents see their grandkids at some point over the Christmas season rather than on Christmas Day itself - because of families splitting, because of geography or simple preference.

It's not a big deal, honestly!

Start as you mean to go on.

You owe the in-laws nothing, so you don't have to jump when they shout.

And your ex needs to understand that he and you are not family any more, so you don't do family time with him - and that this is best for the kids so he can stop with the guilt tripping.

It takes awhile for everyone to settle into the new power structure after a divorce, and as the ex-wife of a manipulative man with manipulative parents, you're going to have to stick up for yourself.
Typo editd

They don't bother much the rest of the year despite living close by though so why should she bend over backwards to facilitate this arrangement. It needs to be their son who does this and they need to be asking him to bring them to visit.
If the OP invited them around for an hour I expect they would anticipate having lunch like previous years and also this would enable the ex to say well it's not fair to have his parents round and not him on Christmas day. The OP needs clear boundaries. The in laws are not her responsibility to keep happy.

It’s a bit sad reading the in-laws are owed nothing

so if a family split you shouldn’t see the other side any more ?

I’ve split with dh. My choice due to his issues

but his brother so bil is still so lovely to me and I still see the adult niece /nephews dh side as all have children the same age so cousins of dd

she would be sad if didn’t ever see them again

why can’t families still see each other if the other side

Op's in laws are not "lovely to her" though. If they were, I imagine this thread wouldn't exist!