My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

[Bookishworm]

Things are not good in the family as my husband and I have separated. My son has always been rude so this isn’t new behaviour but tonight his behaviour was particularly bad.

When he came home he sat on the stairs on his phone - due him being with his Dad this week I asked him if everything was okay and he said yes fine then said I hate you by the way. I told him to speak to me properly then he called me a “dribbler” multiple times. Things were tense and later in the evening when we were talking about him seeing his grandparents tomorrow (they haven’t seen him for a while) he called me a fucking bitch 😔 I said don’t you dare call me that etc.

I’ve only recently got back from a holiday with him which wasn’t cheap and he had a lot of treats. He could be lovely and affectionate one minute then if I made a mistake abroad like not being sure of where something is he would call me a dumb ass and stupid or say he was the adult not me.

His rudeness and disrespect is extremely difficult to deal with. He had ADHD and ASD, I also suspect ODD. I do correct him but he smirks and doesn’t seem to care.

He can be very loving and affectionate too but also extremely rude.

That sounds awful I’m sorry OP. I think approach would depend on his age. how old is he?

I’m so sorry he is speaking to you like that, it must be awful. I think some clear boundaries and punishments need to be put in place to prevent this happening in the future.

That sounds really awful. Does he behave better when he's with his dad? Is this learned behaviour from his dad?

I have 2 boys with ADHD and ASD and there’s no way I’d allow them to speak to me like that. You don’t say how old he is but, regardless, I’d be implementing some harsh punishment for him speaking to me like that!

There’s no excuse for rudeness of that level and I’d to be letting him hide behind any diagnosis.

He has no doubt got all this from his father. How is your parenting relationship with him, is it completely broken down? Any sort of decent father would handle this and make it clear to his son that is totally unacceptable. But if it's coming from him, obviously that's tricky. I would still speak to him about it if you can, maybe he can be shamed into behaving decently (at least for appearances). Your poor son, having his head filled with this shit.

Things are nor good in family asyou say.
You separated
He s been with his dad
He might be 14 but stll is procesing a separation.
consequences yes. Ignore him.

Send him to live with his dad

You've hit the nail on the head yourself, he's always been rude. If you didn't discipline him effectively as a child, it shouldn't come as any surprise to you that his behaviour now is disgraceful.

My teens wouldn't bloody dare, I'd knock them into next week but they were never permitted to be rude when they were little and smirking at a telling off would have had major consequences.

Calling me a fucking bitch? Yeah, I'd wallop his arse so hard his grandkids would feel it.

He’s 14 in a few weeks. He can be so lovely and funny/intelligent but so vile too. He really doesn’t seem to care how he speaks to me. I’m at my wits end as I don’t know how to deal with him anymore.

How horrible.

And how unhelpful to have ‘well MY teens wouldn’t …’ What do you think the OP can do to actually stop him in his tracks and have him be polite? Smack his bottom and confiscate a toy?

He’s mirroring what he’s heard his father say to me unfortunately. So I always tried to correct him/take devices away and he would say why is it ok for Daddy to speak to you like that and not me? Or why don’t you take Daddy’s phone away etc.

What's a dribbler?

I had to look it up. It means a stupid person.

This was my reaction.

He is processing a lot, things haven’t been easy for him lately but the rudeness and disrespect aren’t new behaviours. His go to when angry is name calling and nastiness.

Phone would be gone. No rides. No nothing. Chores. Give him a crash course on taking care of himself. Change your router password.

He acts like that, he gets zilch.

So he has been trained for 13 years to disrespect and belittle you in particular and I’ll bet women in general.

This won’t be unpicked with 5 minutes of ‘discipline’. You need family therapy and parenting support. You don’t want him to get into relationships where he is abusive and he’s practising on you.

Don't the letters (adhd etc) be an excuse for outrageous rudeness and disrespect.
Deserves you to come down like a ton of bricks tbh, just to let him know that it is absolutely unacceptable and not allowed in your house. What the consequences might be for crossing that boundary, I'm afraid I don't know, but I think there have to be some (real) ones.

Do not ignore this.
It's absolutely unacceptable, offensive and disrespectful. His own mother?!
I teach many children with ADHD and ASD etc. they're never as rude as this. You're going to have to set very, very firm boundaries about language here.
It's very difficult, but you're not his metaphorical punch bag.

This ⬆️.
Please access some help and support with this.

Wow, what an ironically rude, disrespectful and nasty response.

Ignore him?? Terrible advice

Exactly. I would send him packing back to his dad

Actually I think ignoring is the best bet here.

Consequences are both meaningless and likely to escalate the situation. I wouldn’t be sending him to live with his dad. Would his dad even accept him? disengaging and walking away is the most powerful thing you can do.

I’d wait until all is calm and tell him if he ever speaks to you like that again he will lose his phone/wifi gets turned off/ cooks his own dinner/ (delete as appropriate). Do not allow disrespect from him. Ask his dad to support you if things are amicable, or maybe mention in front of his grandad. Don’t be a pushover or he’ll treat his future gf in the same way. You can do it. Xx