My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

[Bookishworm]

Things are not good in the family as my husband and I have separated. My son has always been rude so this isn’t new behaviour but tonight his behaviour was particularly bad.

When he came home he sat on the stairs on his phone - due him being with his Dad this week I asked him if everything was okay and he said yes fine then said I hate you by the way. I told him to speak to me properly then he called me a “dribbler” multiple times. Things were tense and later in the evening when we were talking about him seeing his grandparents tomorrow (they haven’t seen him for a while) he called me a fucking bitch 😔 I said don’t you dare call me that etc.

I’ve only recently got back from a holiday with him which wasn’t cheap and he had a lot of treats. He could be lovely and affectionate one minute then if I made a mistake abroad like not being sure of where something is he would call me a dumb ass and stupid or say he was the adult not me.

His rudeness and disrespect is extremely difficult to deal with. He had ADHD and ASD, I also suspect ODD. I do correct him but he smirks and doesn’t seem to care.

He can be very loving and affectionate too but also extremely rude.

It literally is the only answer a certain kind of teenage male will get. Nicey feminised kindness does nothing for them and they never get back on track because that's all that's on offer. It is depressing but there we are. Imo all op can do is decide whether she prioritises her own wellbeing at all.

I'm not sure what the relevance of the holiday is? Did he ask to g oand pick the destination. Or are you expecting him to be grateful for being taken on something you wanted to do.

It’s not his fault, it’s his dad’s. I think I would probably tell him I loved him, more than anything in the world and he can be as angry at me as he likes but that won’t change. I’d also tell him it really upsets you when he talks to you like that, that you’re sorry he had to witness his dad behaving like that for years but it’s not normal and it’s not nice and you don’t want him to grow up to be hateful and full of anger. I don’t know if that’s right or not that’s just my instinct as a mum.

He asked to go away on holiday.

I wouldn't get into a back and forth with him. The grandparent thing is immaterial, minutiae are very easily argued by him. The response is "I will not allow you to speak to me like that in my home. It's disrespectful and I won't tolerate it. Please let me know when you'd like to try again".

When he's calm enough to come back welcome him with open arms but make sure you tell him he needs to be respectful, even if he doesn't agree with what's being said - and you can talk about it calmly. I think he's old enough to be told that copying his father will lead him nowhere good.

I think you should insist on family therapy OP.

I know you know this- but you do need to get a handle on this asap. He’s 13 now- before long he’s going to be much bigger and stronger than you, and will know he has the upper hand … that’s potentially a dangerous position for you to be in.

im sorry your ex has done this to you both.

I usually try and de-escalate things. When mine said “I hate you” I would say “and why is that?” And try and get them to talk through why they are upset. I wouldn’t respond with a “speak properly” because a child with ASD already has trouble identifying and expressing emotions in a socially acceptable way. I try not to take things personally and get to the bottom of how they are feeling instead of getting offended, pissy and making things worse.

I doubt that family therapy can be insisted upon. Start with the basics. That means respect for each other.

so when he was beginning to call me names I say “We don’t call each other names, we treat each other with respect” or “I’m not speaking to you until you treat me with respect” but he doesn’t seem to care and just smirks. He dislikes me not engaging at all though but I know that’s not recommended either.

I think he would refuse therapy tbh.

You know most autistic people their facial expressions do not match their emotions in the same way as a neurotypical person? That “smirk” is more likely to mean he is uncomfortable or sad.

Harsh and judgmental.
OP needs support, not criticism

Well then therapy is a non starter. I think you need to start thinking about yourself and your own needs.

Your son may have already learned to enjoy upsetting you. From your description it sounds possible. You are not equals yet. But he’s decided to treat you with contempt. Let him go to his father - I know you are worried, but this is a big game to your ex which is likely to stop the moment you stop playing, ie reacting, and your son sees the truth, that his father isn’t really bothered about him.

If he refuses therapy then I'd take his phone/devices and anything else until he does it. He doesn't get to call the shots. You absolutely need to tackle this now before he's a man abusing any woman he gets close to.

Yes. Seems likely.

He wants an emotional reaction. Do not give one. Phone off. See a friend. See more friends. Be you. Don’t engage.

Then start parenting him effectively with consequences. Youve minimised this because its learnt behaviour from dad, but it doesnt sound like hes ever been disciplined for it. Correcting him once or twice when he started, fine. After that there should be set consequences.

I would literally tan the arse of my teens if they ever spoke to me like that. They can argue with me but they dont get to name call.

My son is the same adhd and asd it’s considered normal as part of sen puberty we have just been on a course - we were referred by his physiatrist- called Non Violent Resistance. I hugely recommend it. As “normal” discipline just doesn’t work trust me we’re considered strict parents and our marriage is ok so I feel for you and know it’s not easy even in otherwise ok circumstances ❤️

Your son is going through a lot with the separation and has had a terrible example from his father. He was saying those things at two, so it's pretty normalised and ingrained for him.

I once called my mother the same thing. I was having some powerful emotions and what I really needed was a hug and someone to give me some support. My mother was the non-affectionate dismissive type, so I wasn't going to get that. In a moment of overwhelm, I lashed out. (My family of origin was quite explosive like that in teenage years.)

Is there someone connected to the family who can support your son? A good male role model perhaps, since he won't go to therapy.

Ahh thank you, that’s very interesting. He’s also going through puberty so is lovely one minute and vile the next! I’ll look into that, thank you ☺️

Can't believe all the awful parents who think physical abuse is the answer to bad behaviour, honestly so many really terrible parents.

Unfortunately this child has learnt that this is normal behaviour since he was 2 years old, that is going to be very ingrained 12 years later. He also still sees his dad and who knows what horrible influence he is having on him.

OP I have one with ASD but as yours has ADHD too so yours is likely to be very impulsive on top. You are not going to punish this behaviour out of him at 14. You need stock answers and to not engage when he is rude. When he says he hates you say 'well i love you' and walk away. When he calls you a fucking bitch or any other rude thing just say 'you're being rude' and walk away.

He's obviously really struggling with whatever nastiness his dad is feeding him - who knows maybe he's blaming the split on you and telling your son that you never loved him and what a bitch you are - or whatever nastiness.

You just have to hope that as he gets older he sees his dad for who he really is. Don't get emotionally involved at all with the nastiness - stay calm and consistent. Model the behaviour you want from him.

I just looked that up, it sounds like it could be worth a try, thank you.

I have sons with ASD/ADHD. They're adults now and they have never done this. I don't think it has to be normal.

Have you actually imposed any consequences at all for this behaviour?

you need to react less op
he is fighting
you remain calm
keep up the dialogue.

My sons have brown eyes. Doesn't mean blue eyes are abnormal.