@Bookishworm I'm so sorry you are going though this. It resonates with me - right down to the age.
I won't be able to give all the detail here as it so upsetting but I am in a very similar position: I have 3 DC, 1 DD, 2 DS. My DD has never posed any challenges beyond very normal teen behaviour and we have a great relationship. My 2 DS (16 and 14) are currently extremely challenging, even while they can be lovely, funny, bright, sporty boys.
I am divorced (after a long separation) from their abusive father (who I was with since university) who has treated me and them appallingly. It's absolutely the case, as it is in yours, that unfortunately, his treatment of me, and them (he has subjected them to emotional abuse and erratic behaviour for years, has never been a parent to them (they are with me all the time, he would see them occasionally and when it suited him, and would happily cancel / not turn up / let them down and not see them for long periods. They also refused to see him at certain periods) has shown them a pattern of how to behave, especially towards women (me and DD).
My 14 DS in particular has behaved like yours. He has significant issues with becoming easily dysregulated, and lots of situations pose a challenge for him. I have had a hugely tough 2 years, and it is the loneliest place as there is essentially no-one I can talk to (fortunately I have an excellent counsellor). I am some days in despair, other days feel like we are making progress. It is very up and down. He excels at sports, has lots of friends but his behaviour at home, and with the wider family is very problematic.
My suggestions:
- Ignore the awful advice from so many here to send him to his dads. You need to limit the influence from this man (my DS were very small - a toddler and a baby when I managed to leave my ex; I did it exactly because I didn't want them to grow up around him, and turn out like him. It's incredibly upsetting that somehow, they still do mirror his behaviour).
- This is easy to type, and believe me, I know it is not easy to do - as much as possible, de-escalate the situation. Of course it is unacceptable to speak to you as he is doing, with the language he is using. Reacting to that in the moment won't help though. You can mirror back the emotion you think he is expressing, ask him to tell you more, and sometimes, ignore it. It's not sanctioning the behaviour - he is behaving like this out of hurt, and taking it out on you as the person he feels safe around. Trying to see through to the emotion is sometimes helpful for me.
- I know you feel he won't go to therapy - my DS is the same. In the end, I went ahead anyway, and told him that I would be bringing him there, and he could choose to engage or not, but I asked for a committment to attend at least 3 sessions. The first time we tried this, he wouldn't engage at all. We are now trying again, early days, but he's engaging a bit more. It may take a few efforts.
- If you don't have a counsellor, I'd really recommend it. You need someone safe and knowledgeable, who is there for you, primarily.
- Again, this is hard to do - try to put away the anger and upset, and when he is calm, find any positive way to engage with him - a shared interest, watching something together, getting involved in his sport / hobby. I know this feels like 'letting him away with it' but it's part of helping him to regulate. What I have found is when he is calm, he is well able to articulate what is happening for him emotionally, and he is fully aware of how wrong his behaviour is. So he doesn't really need me to point it out.
In terms of punishment - it won't work. I get the posters saying he needs consequences, and he does, but simply doling out punishments won't help. His behaviour is coming from hurt and vulnerability - if he could control it, he would.
I do limit certain things e.g. his access to screens / phone if he has behaved really badly, that's more linked to the fact it usually exacerbates his behaviour if he has been on screens when he is in this type of mood.
I do understand why some posters are talking about harsh punishments and 'I would never let my child do this' etc, I was a strict parent, my DC were all expected to behave to others with respect (and do, usually, externally), they didn't live with my ex so didn't witness on an ongoing basis how he behaved, though they still saw plenty over the years, but regardless, I am in this situation with my DC, and I'm sure I might be judgmental of others if I hadn't experienced this.
Outside professional help is the only thing that will truly help here, and it is likely to take some time and won't go in a straight line. I hold onto the fact that being an engaged, caring parent as you are means so much and in time, it will work out.
(happy for you to DM me if you want to talk more)
Good luck OP