My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

[Bookishworm]

Things are not good in the family as my husband and I have separated. My son has always been rude so this isn’t new behaviour but tonight his behaviour was particularly bad.

When he came home he sat on the stairs on his phone - due him being with his Dad this week I asked him if everything was okay and he said yes fine then said I hate you by the way. I told him to speak to me properly then he called me a “dribbler” multiple times. Things were tense and later in the evening when we were talking about him seeing his grandparents tomorrow (they haven’t seen him for a while) he called me a fucking bitch 😔 I said don’t you dare call me that etc.

I’ve only recently got back from a holiday with him which wasn’t cheap and he had a lot of treats. He could be lovely and affectionate one minute then if I made a mistake abroad like not being sure of where something is he would call me a dumb ass and stupid or say he was the adult not me.

His rudeness and disrespect is extremely difficult to deal with. He had ADHD and ASD, I also suspect ODD. I do correct him but he smirks and doesn’t seem to care.

He can be very loving and affectionate too but also extremely rude.

You cannot ignore that misogynist, aggressive language.

Nothing you can do about it will change it.

Does anyone think confiscating his phone for a week is going to show him the error of his ways and he will emerge a chastened respectful soul? It won’t. He’s clearly troubled, and realistically the OP needs to ensure she’s safe and any other children in the house (if there are any.)

I didn't suggest confiscating his phone.
If you read my posts, I agreed with the poster suggesting therapy and structured guidance to work through this, with a professional.
Parents who ignore this sort of thing are never helping the child.

I'd tell him he's a fool to behave this way when it's peak "Xmas present buying season". I'd also unplug the wifi and when he went mental say "Well you know I'm an absolute bitch" and go to bed with the router.
I did this sort of thing when mine played up and they both love recounting the "Badass mum" stories now they are adults.

if he’s 14 I’d put my boot down before it becomes more ingrained. Clear rules need to be established and communicated and followed through every time without fail. I’d start with taking the phone away… you can still turn this around. And forget that he can be funny / intelligent. No excuses when he is vile.

Send him to live with his father

Well presumably the fact his dad spoke to you like that is why you are seperated from him. I’d tell him that and send him to his dads for a bit to reinforce the fact no one gets to speak to you like that.

According to OP this is how his Dad speaks
to her.

OP you and your ex have taught him for 13 years that this is how men talk to women.

He needs therapy. You need therapy.

You are both responsible for how this young man sees others.

Sounds like literally unlawful violence from you. You need to be in prison for abuse.

And yes. That is what I got as a child.

Yes OP, send him to live with a man who speaks to you the same way.

What could possibly go wrong with that idea?

Change the narrative - you say to correct him.. but do you?

If he calls you a name you say ‘I think you meant … I’d love to see my grandparents

I think you meant …thank you
I think you meant Thanks mum that would be lovely’

Do it on repeat and change the behaviour and show your expectation.

Seek some family therapy. The way he's speaking to you is unacceptable but he is lashing out because he's hurting due to the separation.
He does need to learn that it isn't acceptable to speak to you like that. But he needs to be heard too.

have a chat with him
make sure there is nothing going on.

Surely you have said in reply ...

'That is why I have left your Father - I won't tolerate nastiness and abusive behaviour in my home.'

I think he does need to attend some sort of counselling with you (so its not all aimed at him!) as well as by himself, and ideally at least one of those counsellors should be a bloke so he gets to see a bloke saying 'no this isn't acceptable behaviour/acceptable language'.

Off to “Daddy’s” he goes. At nearly 14, you need to play hard ball.

Exactly! I can’t believe the number of people suggesting he goes to live with his dad!

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Hi OP,

Is he on any medication for his ADHD? ADHD medication can have a very good effect on ODD - so if he isn't on it then consider it - although given his age he may refuse to take it. It is worth a try though.

Is he just verbally abusive? Or is he also physically abusive? Have a look at non violent resistance - it's a way of dealing with this type of behaviour. If he is under CAMHS you can access a non violent resistance course through them. Any social worker involvement? If not it may be worth asking for a referral to the children's social services - they might be able to help but if not it will provide protection for you in case his behaviour escalates and he starts making allegations against you. For this reason too keep school fully informed of what you are dealing with at home. If he is just verbally abusive (which in itself is difficult enough to deal with - I am not trying to minimise it - I would just ask him not to speak to you like that and then ignore).

It's so easy for people to say that "I would just give him a wallop" but the reality is that the OP could find herself getting arrested if the son tells school or his dad - parents really have very little that they can actually do with regards to teenagers behaving in this way especially when they have SEN. Indeed taking things away from him will just escalate the situation with the prospect of the abuse turning physical (he's 14 after all and is probably bigger and stronger than the OP). Such abusive behaviour can go on for hours - and yes she can call the police but most parents don't want to do this and indeed only do it as a last resort. Then social services treat the problem as being because of the parent and not because of the child's SEN causing the challenging behaviour. In deed you are very much left to deal with it all on your own - you end up trying desperately to just get through the next couple of years until you can ask them to leave home or adult social services find him somewhere else to live.

Sending hugs OP, I know how difficult dealing with this type of behaviour is. Hope you can find a way through. Don't forget there is a SEN board which you may find helpful. Xx

Are you to blame for the split? It seems he is carrying a lot of anger inside and is very resentful. Tell him how hurt you are and how disappointed. Then give him lots of space.

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds really hard. I suspect the ASD and ADHD is a bit of a red herring here: unfortunately, from your update, this sounds like deeply ingrained and learned behaviour. DS is basically parroting the way his father speaks to you, because that's what he's learned.

So the experiences/advice of most other posters (consequences, taking tech away or switching off the wifi etc) will be pretty much pointless because this isn't just a teen suddenly behaving like a little shit who will come through little shit phase with guidance, consequences and boundaries. You are dealing with a teen who has grown up witnessing sustained misogynistic verbal abuse, from the father he presumably looks up to and admires, and so he assumes this is normal behaviour. He assumes this is how men talk to women. So he repeats it. There is no point people making comments like 'well my teens would never talk to me like that' because it's irrelevant: they are not dealing with the kind of background that you are so they won't have to deal with the behaviour you're faced with.

I don't know what the answer is but you definitely need some kind of professional advice and probably therapy for DS. However, I also appreciate that's easier said than done.

How will that help? Please explain it to
me.
His Dad talks the same way. What is wrong with people on here???

He got his Dad to pick him up but I honestly am at my wits end. I told him don’t you dare speak to me like that and it is disgusting what he said. He’s at his Dads now and just text to say he’s safe but he didn’t know why I did that?

So it was related to him seeing my parents who are elderly, he sees my ex’s parents every day almost and my parents were getting very upset that since the separation they are seeing much less of him/he’s only seeing his Dads family. He said I was bitching at him but I was only saying how much they miss and love him, that’s when he called me a fucking bitch.

People are acting like he’s just being a brat.

He was raised in an abusive home, and spoiler alert, he learned to be abusive.

The solution isn’t to let the abusive person raise him on his own.

Send him to Dads, let them talk shit about you there while you have some peace.