My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

[Bookishworm]

Things are not good in the family as my husband and I have separated. My son has always been rude so this isn’t new behaviour but tonight his behaviour was particularly bad.

When he came home he sat on the stairs on his phone - due him being with his Dad this week I asked him if everything was okay and he said yes fine then said I hate you by the way. I told him to speak to me properly then he called me a “dribbler” multiple times. Things were tense and later in the evening when we were talking about him seeing his grandparents tomorrow (they haven’t seen him for a while) he called me a fucking bitch 😔 I said don’t you dare call me that etc.

I’ve only recently got back from a holiday with him which wasn’t cheap and he had a lot of treats. He could be lovely and affectionate one minute then if I made a mistake abroad like not being sure of where something is he would call me a dumb ass and stupid or say he was the adult not me.

His rudeness and disrespect is extremely difficult to deal with. He had ADHD and ASD, I also suspect ODD. I do correct him but he smirks and doesn’t seem to care.

He can be very loving and affectionate too but also extremely rude.

How about....

It takes a lot of fortitude BUT
Ignore the abuse... Tell him once... During every event....

This is assuming it's hormone driven behaviour... IF he's pretty OK the rest of the time..

And say... Your behaviour is really hurting me... But I'm ignoring it, as you're going through puberty. I want you to learn this isn't OK and that words as well as actions hurt others.

My mum did it with me... It was pretty effective... I was grim for about 18 months... I wasn't perfect there after but loads better!

You have my sympathy op. I posted something similar about my son being disrespectful and was basically told its my fault and I must be a shit parent but I know it's not true.

So what would ‘knocking them off their feet’ achieve?

Do you think that would make the child speak respectfully, recognise the error of their ways & never do it again?

Clearly it wouldn’t.

You are commenting from a position of zero knowledge and zero experience.

My don does Have Asd adhd also, and the amount of different the amount of things i ve tried is not working.
We are currently in a court procedure due to op taking dd away and not bringing her home.
Now my son wants to live there and its totally destroying me. As he's not long moved bk with me.
It's always belittle me, swearing ect,even on the phone while op is there and there seems to be no consequences. Im really struggling right now. It's so unfair. X

When he blames you for ending the marriage, it might not help in the moment but say to him, look, behaviour has consequences, and your dad’s behaviour had the consequences that I was frightened of him and miserable, so eventually I was brave enough to leave. Now you’re choosing to treat me the same way and I do love you, I’ll always love you, but the consequences of you doing this may be that I don’t want to spend time with you. It hurts me and frightens me when you speak so aggressively to me- if that’s what you want, you will have to accept that holidays etc won’t happen and you’ll have to spend more time away from me.

Would he hear that, if he was in a nice reasonable mood when you said it?

I have written my own post the last 24 hours.wjereon I have had the exabt same expensive. I have added extras.

My teen screamed this to me whilst throwing things across his room last week. I have significant health challenges. I understood the stress he feels with school and living mostly with his father.

My son laughed at me this wknd calling me crazy and continually refers to me having mental health illnesses. His dad started this but my son runs with it. I'm accused of something's like Munchausen by proxy. His dad fed this to him. Son now denies that and says it himself.to me.

Because he's Autistic and ADHD I keep saying he can't help it. He's been triangulated against me by ex. He comes here at weekends and ex texts him with reference to ' just be kind : and don't t listen to my things I say about people 🤦 ( suggesting I have a need to be unkind about people so ignore me)
So this teenager sits in my home now with this severe unpleasantness re enforced as I try be loving and kind on the face of all this.

Resentment is so severe it's making me physically sick literally.

Today, I never ever want to see him again.

The misogyny is bad and I can't fight it. I have to be silent and smile and he and dad will be happy.

Because hitting people is worse. Hth.

Are you having him back in your home or are you going to draw a line

I would be telling a teenager who did this they are not getting Christmas presents. I would not put up with behaviour no matter what has happened in his life. there is no excuse. Sounds like you and your ex need to sit down with him and explain he will be forfeiting a lot of privileges because of his behaviour. He has to learn and ask for forgiveness

I have no idea how to navigate this. I don't want to over ride OPs thread,. sorry .

I have regular counselling. I'm being encouraged to trust my feelings. When it's your own child, it's the most confusing thing imaginable.

He is being triangulated and manipulated by his dad. His dad is actively encouraging son to turn against me and feeds misogyny towards me. I have no doubt now and this is escalating severely. I have no proof and if anyonr ever asked son he'd deny what he tells me his dad's saying - because he knows he has to. Thrn I think. Are you actual lying ( son). It is agonising to me in it's toxicity.

Father is telling my son I'm saying things almost weekly that I have not said. They are quite serious and I am concerned for my well being here with what looks like being set up tbh.

So I feel so much for my son who is with someone it feels is not able to love and care for him and is manipulating him into blind loyalty through quite horrible emotional abuse and confusion. But then I feel strongly that my son is actually the same. And he did not just learn this over the last year surely. My reaction in his presence is very strong physically. Fight or flight is off the scale now.

Son told a story today about something and I responded with empathy to him and his half sibling who he was blaming for something- day Ng he broke something's I bought fornson. I usually do respond with empathy for son and the half siblings!. He then in quite a sinister way said 'I only made that up because I wanted to antagonise you'. He also said again you are crazy, you have a mental health disorder ( this has come from his dad, the MH disorder thing). But son is running with it and even laughed as I got annoyed and reacted.

So I have nothing but pain and confusion rippling through my veins. I can't see clearly what's happening here. He is a victim yet I feel he really will emotionally at least hurt me significantly. He already is.

How old is your son?

I have to say that this sounds very concerning. Your son is trying to provoke you. It is also an expression of contempt.

You do have obligations to yourself. Part of that is being an adult, not just seeing him as a little boy. Stuff like this isn’t little boy stuff - he’s telling you he’s a man like his father.

He’s also probably confused about who you are. You are not just his mother, and he has to realise that as well as you realise he’s nearly an adult.

This could be abuse by proxy, and if so, you need to think if he can be in the house.

That is unacceptable to treat you like that so I would not be giving him treats and get him some therapy with a child psychologist. If your ex spoke to you that way he is mirroring that. So my advice would be don’t ignore it but equally don’t do as one poster suggested and resort to physical violence. Make it clear you won’t tolerate abuse and just walk away and don’t do anything for him until he apologises. If you have recently separated no doubt he is affected by that even if his Dad was awful so family therapy might help.

Absolutely this!

Your son’s behaviour is entirely understandable, given his life experiences to date. He is behaving exactly as has been modelled to him by you both. You can explain until you are blue in the face that it isn’t acceptable or kind to do this- but he has spent all of his life to date watching his father behave like this when you do something which annoys/ irritate/ upsets him, and you appearing to acquiesce to it. It’s not easy to just switch that off now that you have managed to end the relationship- there is no magic “off switch” for learned behaviour. Thst doesn’t mean it isn’t rude, disrespectful and hurtful to be on the receiving end of it, nor does it mean it is not a big problem. Unchecked, he will likely continue (or even escalate) behaving this way towards you and he is likely to model that behaviour in future relationships. But if you want to make changes, you have to understand the origin of the behaviour.

Adding in that as he has ASD and ADHD, these conditions can be associated with more significant difficult behaviours with puberty. I would also say that the smirking facial expression might not be as it appears- it is quite common for people with ASD to not follow norms with facial expressions, so it could be that rather than him simply expressing his contempt for you. Or it could be that he is mimicking his father. Of course, it is possible that he is genuinely smirking at you, but it’s possible it is not that straightforward.

Taken together, I think it is inevitable that his teenage years were going to be problematic.

I suspect that, as MrsTerryPratchett says, that your own style of communication has been shaped by your situation/environment and perhaps needs some work too. I think you might both benefit from professional help. If he won’t go, I think you should go yourself. I also think perhaps some parenting classes for parents of children with SEN, or even parent peer support groups may be of benefit.

That's horrendous! How
Dare he speak to you like that, adhd or not! If my dds spoke to me like that they'd live to regret it.