My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

[Bookishworm]

Things are not good in the family as my husband and I have separated. My son has always been rude so this isn’t new behaviour but tonight his behaviour was particularly bad.

When he came home he sat on the stairs on his phone - due him being with his Dad this week I asked him if everything was okay and he said yes fine then said I hate you by the way. I told him to speak to me properly then he called me a “dribbler” multiple times. Things were tense and later in the evening when we were talking about him seeing his grandparents tomorrow (they haven’t seen him for a while) he called me a fucking bitch 😔 I said don’t you dare call me that etc.

I’ve only recently got back from a holiday with him which wasn’t cheap and he had a lot of treats. He could be lovely and affectionate one minute then if I made a mistake abroad like not being sure of where something is he would call me a dumb ass and stupid or say he was the adult not me.

His rudeness and disrespect is extremely difficult to deal with. He had ADHD and ASD, I also suspect ODD. I do correct him but he smirks and doesn’t seem to care.

He can be very loving and affectionate too but also extremely rude.

He’s lashing out, he’s a teenager and things are happening that he had no control over. But of course he can’t talk to you like that.
So I’m just sending support and hope you both find your way through this.

Perfect. Let him sit with it for a while. Nearly 14 and taking the piss out of you quite clearly.

Address the wider picture later. You need space. Your son will otherwise learn to enjoy your upset. He mustn’t see that.

Can you find something good to do with your evening?

Then you say, it's not OK, that's why I divorced daddy, because he treated me badly and it's not OK for you to do it either. If you didn't divorce him... Well this is the unfortunate consequence of having a child grow up in an abusive home.

I have been in your position, with 3 teenagers and having a serious downgrade in the housing situation following separation. The first two years were horrific, and I remember complaining here that one of my daughters had stepped into the role of House Abuser.

Ignore the ones whose kids ‘wouldn’t dare’ they have no idea what it is like to be undermined for years as a parent, whilst walking on egg-shells around an angry man.

It takes time, it takes heaps of MH support which typically teenagers will refuse to engage with, and it takes constant reinforcement of the behaviours you wish to see. I found the Ask Lisa Podcast very useful.
I’m not saying things are perfect, but there has been a huge improvement. I have a close relationship with all of them, and they are doing well at school.

… and under No circumstances do this. We are trying to minimise those behaviours of his Dad that led to the divorce.

Honestly tell him to stay at his dad's for as long as he likes and get yourself a bottle of wine and watch The Holiday

He is 13, he has no business speaking to a woman like that, let alone his mum

Since he wants to act like a knuckle dragging man, treat him like one and ignore him. He'll soon come home 🙄🙄

Stop being the good cop. This is your life too and you deserve some time to relax xx

His behavior is vile. It must be v hard to take. Equally he sounds v upset and angry. Has he got any other adults to talk to? Would he consider counseling. Is there anyone at school who might be able to help.

Sorry? He left you then said he didnt know why you did that? Did what? Told him not to speak to you poorly?

He is acting like you have done something wrong i would get the correction in writing like, the only thing I did was tell you not to call me a fucking bitch dont know why you think its appropriate to speak to your mother that way but it is not

Having ASD/ADHD is absolutely no excuse for such disgusting rudeness and disrespect for anyone, let alone his mum!
This kind of behaviour needs to stop immediately. There needs to be serious consequences to his actions that must be followed through to the end. If he cannot behave in your house then he doesn't get to live in your house. Simple.

Make him care. That is disgusting behaviour. He's not going to care or change his behaviour until there is a consequence that affects him.

If you don't he's going to have a horrible, lonely future because nobody except his mother will put up with that shit.

Turn your phone off, glass of wine, get a friend round. Grown up stuff for you.

He's spent his entire life hearing his Dad be verbally abusive about and no doubt towards his Mum. Please tell me how hitting him will help?

I don't understand why so many parents think ADHD and ASD are get out of jail cards. They literally aren't so he'd better get his act together before he's pissing off the wrong people with his nasty attitude.

Thank you, yes it’s very very difficult when I tried to model good behaviours they would be instantly undermined. I have a bad memory of my son repeating “f-ing bitch” when he was 2 and just casually playing with his toys. It was awful and I should have left back then.

Ill check out that podcast thank you ☺️

Your post gives me hope. I try to model good behaviour and correct him. Ideally I’d like to attend family therapy with him or him have individual therapy. I’m not sure if he would agree right now but it’s worth a try. It’s complicated as it’s a mixture of teen behaviour, mirrored behaviour and ADHD traits (quick to anger and poor impulse control) he’s also angry about the separation especially at me as I was the one to end it.

I think guys like him do need a wallop but unfortunately it's no longer really feasible.

All actions have consequences. A valuable lesson he needs to learn with immediate effect.
If he did this at school to a teacher, there would be consequences such as suspension or expulsion. If he behaved like this in the workplace, he would lose his job. if je behaved like this in his social circle he would be chucked out and lose friends.
Just because its his mum, doesn't mean she shouldn't have consequences for his behaviour. They need to be proportionate to the severity of his behaviour otherwise this will only get worse.

How does a teenager get to the stage where they think this kind of language towards their parent is acceptable?

My father would have buried me alive if I’d spoken to him or my mum like that. I know the ‘old ways’ of parenting are frowned upon, but this alternative way doesn’t seem to be doing much good does it??

Thank you. Yes, he’s very angry with me due to the fact that I left his Dad. His dad tells him it’s all my fault.

He watched his Dad behave this way to his Mom for 14 years.

It is far more complicated than just consequences.

Well maybe Dribbler Junior would prefer to stay with his dad for a bit

Again, why is this helpful???

Why would further exposure to an abusive man who treats women poorly help her son?

So you physically assault your children?

They do get walloped outside of the home, and sacked at work.

There are really good reasons to make sure that being a loving parent includes communicating that everyone deserves respect and it starts at home.

No. Abuse is not the answer.

It’s kids like this that have lacked stability and positive adult role models their entire lives, that need therapy and positive coping mechanisms.

Why would you allow yourself to be destroyed by a succession of unpleasant men? I don't know people make their own decisions but living with this guy wouldn't be me.