Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

Most people I know do!

Once you have kids, it's more practical anyway, one has the kids, the other goes with friends.

If I go with my girlfriend on a shopping/ fun long weekend, I am not sure what my husband would do in there? If I go on a weekend sport competition that he doesn't do, what would he do there tooo?

When he goes on one of his hobby or friends weekend or week, I can't see why I would even want to join in? To spy on him?

It doesn't stop us having family holidays and couple holiday too. You can have a life even if you are married and/or have kids though.

People definitely do, even with small children. It just depends on what your setup is and what you’re comfortable with.

The hen do you’re talking about is well into next year and for many parents that would be a totally feasible arrangement. With the ski trip, the baby is younger but you’ll have your parents. I’m going down to my parents’ in England in a couple of weeks with my eight week old - husband will stay at home as he’s working but it’s a nice chance for my parents to spend more time with my son while I’m on leave. These things just need careful planning and it’s just about both partners being happy and confident in the arrangements.

Regarding your actual question about going on the trip, like others I think it’s inconsistent. Either partners are included or not but it shouldn’t really be about sporting ability. The tennis thing doesn’t necessarily make much sense as the more inclusive it is of partners, the more likely you are to find someone at your level. The exception to this would be if it’s dangerous - I’m thinking something like mountaineering if one partner was really experienced and others weren’t.

I think what’s likely happened here is that most people want it to be a trip without partners but one partner has ended up being included and your husband is now trying to minimise the inclusion of other partners.

I think2 seprate holidays when baby is small alone is not exactly fair on you

Some couples do holiday alone that works for them me and my dh have never holiday separately in our whole 9 years together not because we stop each other just that it's never been some thing we do I think it's unreasonable of your dh to not let you join for a few days

Of course it goes on, but not unchanged...

Sure, but you can still have friends and go on holidays without your partner. It’s not like you have to give up all non parenting aspects of your life. It’s bizzare people who think you do.

Yes this is basically my interpretation too. It's not just about OP and her DH, it's everyone else on the trip too. The group has been able to justify two women attending (either fully willingly or with some disagreement) but it doesn't follow it's an open invite for all partners.

If all the other uni friends don't have partners so OP is the only one excluded that would perhaps be a different matter but I think OP would have mentioned it if that were the case.

If OP decides she wants to dip in for a day or two it sounds like both a potential organisational headache and opens the door to all the other partners wanting a say in the trip, then it stops being a sports/activity trip and starts being something else. Perfectly reasonable for them to put some parameters around it - either you're in for the full trip and all the activities, or you are not.

This is really hurtful. I'm quite shocked he actually said that to you, if I'm honest.

it doesn't follow it's an open invite for all partners.

It also doesn't follow that her DH simply gets to say 'no' without discussing it properly, and it also doesn't follow that the group gets to decide by committee on someone's sportiness level. The holiday, without a shadow of a doubt, will also include evening socialising, even if someone isn't at supreme sporting level.

Both of us go on separate hols but not if the other felt left out. This feels mean.

On the contrary, now seems like a great time - OP has active, involved parents, seems to be on a financially sound footing (given the holiday plans) and her partner has freelance work with some flexibility. WNTL?

He s being selfish, you would benefit from a short break at that time as well

The group can decide who they want to invite and who they don't, and what sort of trip they want it to be. OP isn't part of that group.

I can see how OP feels miffed, but ultimately it sounds like a trip for sporty uni mates + one additional sporty person (who has maybe been added to even out numbers). OP herself says that her tennis level is "not awful" and she would "quite enjoy it" while her DH says the other women are "really good" and "competitive". OP doesn't want to join in other planned activities like a waterpark and go-karting.

It's her DH's trip, organised with DH's friends around their shared interests. While I can see it'd be nice for OP to tag along they're perfectly within their rights to say "no".

If this was the other way round and OP had planned a trip with friends and her DH wanted to come along I feel the responses would be very different.

Nothing wrong with doing separate holidays or things by yourself once you have kids, but I mean this kindly - having a new baby (you say it's both your first?) is bloody hard work!
You maybe don't appreciate yet until baby's here what it entails and how you may feel.
🙄 at your DH saying "you won't enjoy it" though?!
Is he the boss of you and your feelings? That'd piss me off to be honest! If you're able to leave baby with your parents and will be looked after well, surely a couple of days break for you would be good, shouldn't begrudge you that.
If he does, book a few days away when he gets back leaving him in charge and he might realise what looking after a new baby is like.

Nothing wrong with doing separate holidays or things by yourself once you have kids, but I mean this kindly - having a new baby (you say it's both your first?) is bloody hard work!
You maybe don't appreciate yet until baby's here what it entails and how you may feel.

OP has said that if they feel differently when baby is here, then they will change the plans. With that in mind, there's nothing wrong with making plans.

If he does, book a few days away when he gets back leaving him in charge and he might realise what looking after a new baby is like.

OP is doing exactly this - she is away for 4 days in August - but not as some kind of gotcha, because that is when her sister has planned a trip.

He is going to be left with the baby when OP goes on a 4 day hen trip later in the year.

I know couples who have planned an active calendar of travel and social engagements after having children - and I've definitely been guilty of quietly thinking "ha ha you'll think differently when the baby is here" but they've managed it (though I think they'd be the first to admit that some of their beliefs that "baby can just tag along" were over ambitious!). Having actively involved grandparents makes a huge difference. Something I didn't factor in was how much I felt really viscerally 'tied" to my baby - it felt really uncomfortable being too far away or for too long. But different people have different tolerances - I remember basically running back from the supermarket because I missed DS after about an hour! I would have laughed in your face before I had him if you told me that's how I'd feel.

I planned the active calendar and went away with DH in charge. No GPs nearby. Didnt feel guilty or uncomfortable at all.
Some of us are ok with being away from children, as long as they are ok with the other parent.

"you wouldn't enjoy it, you'd be bored" sounds to me like trying to get around having to be more blunt and say "you're not invited".

'The group' isn't one person – it's a collection of opinion. Regardless, her DH didn't even discuss with the group, he unilaterally decided to the complete ignorance and disregard of his wife's feelings. Her DH also does not get to decide whether she'll be 'bored' or not.

Everyone is guessing on the level of sports being played based only on her DH's words, which, quite frankly, only read quite bluntly as him not wanting her there.

While I can see it'd be nice for OP to tag along they're perfectly within their rights to say "no".

'They' didn't say no. Her DH did – which is the most hurtful of people to say no in the first place.

If this was the other way round and OP had planned a trip with friends and her DH wanted to come along I feel the responses would be very different.

No, they wouldn't.

But different people have different tolerances - I remember basically running back from the supermarket because I missed DS after about an hour! I would have laughed in your face before I had him if you told me that's how I'd feel.

Ha, same! My first "solo outing" (to Mothercare!) - I was in the queue to pay for some muslins when DH called, and I could hear DS1 in the background, and I just abandoned my shopping and went home 😀

'The group' isn't one person – it's a collection of opinion. Regardless, her DH didn't even discuss with the group,

It is entirely possible that the group (minus the two bringing partners) had a bit of a chinwag about the fact that they wish it was a lads-only trip as originally planned.

Honestly, I think the DP has been a bit of a dick here with his reasons, but it's not unreasonable in itself for him to want to have this holiday with his friends, without OP, especially as it would involve her arriving/leaving separately (with knock on effects for what could be done on those days)

But the DH doesn't get to say yes either! It's not just his holiday!

If I decided to bring my DP on holiday with friends and wouldn't take no for an answer, my friends would be rightly pissed off!

Either you’re happy with solo holidays or you’re not. I think you have to think a bit more about why you’re ok with the skiing and not the one in the summer other than the age of baby. would you have been ok with it being a lads plus 2 holiday If it was the only one or would you have still felt uncomfortable? I think it really depends on the dynamics re whether it’s ok to tag along or not and it does sound like on the whole partners haven’t been invited. I imagine you wouldn’t want him tagging around the hen. However, i do think it’s a bit selfish for him to be planning two solo trips in the first year of your baby’s life.

There was something about your posts that suggested a slight naivety about the reality of babies which is why you had so many posts about whether the holidays were a good idea or not. Some people do manage to continue their lives as before but you will be changed whether you expect to be or not. What sounds like fun now, may not be how you’d choose to spend your time anyway. I had a very strong physical reaction to being away from my babies at a young age. Both of mine ended up at nursery and quite independent as I’ve always worked but the hormones in the first year were very strong for me.

My husband had a work ‘reward’ trip abroad when my eldest was around 1. He missed us both loads and didn’t enjoy it anywhere near as much as he expected to. Dads in particular often see children less and so annual leave with the family becomes so precious. I appreciate the OP’s DH is freelance so slightly less constrained but presumably money will also start to become a factor as well as leave.

Ummm we have no idea whether her DH discussed it with the group or not. She hasn't said.

Also yes! He doesn't want her there! And that's ok because SHE GOES AWAY WITHOUT HIM TOO!! Not wanting your partner on a friend's trip is completely normal and fine- it changes the whole dynamic. I'm sure she she doesn't want him at her sister's hen do either !

We don't know what conversations the DH has had with his friends - he might have floated it and others aren't keen.

He might have a good idea of the dynamic and know it wouldn't go down very well without having to ask.

He might - and this is perfectly reasonable in my view - just want to go on a solo trip with his uni mates without his wife tagging along?

I love my DH dearly but solo time and time with my friends is precious. We aren't joined at the hip. If I were the DH in this position I'd be somewhat annoyed my DW was trying to insert herself into my trip.